Well, the party really started once Alex M. showed up with her posse of Taylor and Morgan S. The embittered girl walked out to the pool and said hi to everyone but Jessica and her boobs. WELL. This was no good! Feeling the need to complain some more, Jessica pulled Emily away from the pool and to the local nail salon where they could gab some more. I have to admit, I felt really, really badly for Emily. No, not because she was stuck with the whiney, nutso Jessica. But because this girl finally was getting some decent time on camera, and, well, she had some bad acne going on. You know that she spent last night hiding under a pillow. Memo to Emily: it's okay. We like you. We understand the plight of bad skin. You're welcome here at TVgasm.

Of course, this show wasn't about Emily and her dermatological woes. It was about Jessica's instead. "Look at my neck. I look like I have a birthmark," she said as she examined her hickey. Meanwhile, poor Emily was probably trying to put a ski-mask over her facial blemishes, and Jessica's complaining about this shit? I mean, c'mon. What's especially sad is that despite Jessica's complaining, she undoubtedly loved her hickey, which, by the way, was HUGE. This stupid bitch. How could she lie to Kristin last week and say she didn't hook up with Jason and then walk around Cabo with a welt the size of a football on her neck? Furthermore, how can I actually care so much about this? I'm very sad for myself. Very sad indeed.

Nevertheless, Jessica then tried to play down the Jason hookup. "It's not like it meant anything," she remarked, adding, "Just because I've been talking about it nonstop for the past week and it's all I think about and it's all I ever want from life and if Jason doesn't speak to me in the next five minutes, I might throw myself into the ocean and martyr myself in the name of love, that doesn't mean it meant anything. You're so stupid, Emily. That is your name, right?"

Later, we were treated to that most wonderful of things: the Cabo montage! Yay! Girls playing in the pool! Girls going down slides! Girls not hanging out with Jessica! And yes, in case you couldn't tell, the pool was the new beach. Beach was sooo five minutes ago. Anyway, that night, we witnessed the odd sight of all the Laguna girls waltzing down the beach -- and, is that... an ethnic girl? Right there in the background! Why yes, it is! It's Cammie! Wow. I hope you all saw her because she was gone in about half a second. And rightfully so! Laguna Beach is for white people only! Geeez...

Well, the reason why everyone was walking along the beach all dressed up was because everyone was enjoying a big group dinner. At a random, perfectly sized table. On the beach. No, this wasn't arranged by the producers at all! Anyway, the kids all gabbed and laughed and got drunk, especially Talan who was all over Kristin. Luckily, wee Morgan S. was there to ruin the moment as she yelled, "Talan!!! Doesn't Kristin look hot? Because she's wearing all my clothes! Ha ha ha!" Shut up, you stupid bitch. Keep your inane comments to yourself.

Later, at the club with a bottle full of bub, Talan tried to make his move on Kristin, but it was hard to tell what was going on. Either way, I thought it was remarkably sad that Lindsay Lohan might actually be sloppy seconds to Kristin. (Yeah, Talan and Lindsay dated.)

The next morning, it was Nature Day as Roz and Kristin sat on the beach and observed the waves with great astonishment. Kind of made me think. How awesome would it be if Roz and Kristin hosted a nature show on Discovery? They could go into the wild and have mindless patter. Of course, Roz would ask all the questions ("So, what do you think about that monkey?") and Kristin would provide all the answers ("Oh my god. I'm like so over it. I don't know. You know? It's cute, but like, I mean, whatever. You know?").

Elsewhere on the beach was Jessica walking alone with her cell phone. And you know what that means. You guessed it: she called Jason. Yeah, this is just pathetic. She not only called him when on the ski slopes, but now she'd dialed his number from MEXICO. But seriously, this was a Jason-free vacation.

Of course, Jason didn't answer the call, so Jessica was left with nothing to do but leave one of those faux-casual, quietly needy voicemails: "Jason, it's Jess. I was just calling to see what you're up to. Just wanted to see how you're doing; so give me a call back." She then added, "PLEASE! PLEASE!!! CALL ME!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!!!"

Poor Jessica. This really was turning out to be a bummer of a vacation for her. She clearly wasn't having as good a time as Alex and Taylor who had just gone down the slide for the umpteenth time. Yay gravity! Later, after the thrill of the nine-foot water slide had run its course, Taylor asked Alex if she had been thinking of Jason. The answer, unsurprisingly, was no. "It's easy not to think of guys when you're down here having fun," Alex replied, thus reminding us that she has what I like to call "a healthy, normal outlook on life."

Posted by B-side on September 20, 2005 2:31 PM