Meanwhile, over at Kristin's house, she and her usual cohorts of Jessica and a dumpy Roz sat around looking bored. Jessica asked the gals if they would model at the fundraiser with her, and Roz immediately jumped at the chance, saying, "I'll model. It's for a good cause." You just know inside she was bubbling over with "YES! YES! YES! I GET TO BE A MODEL!! YES!!!" Well, the good thing about these girls modeling was that-- oh wait, somehow the conversation shifted to Jessica and whether or not she still liked Jason. "I don't still like him!" she protested. Seriously people. When are you going to understand that? Jessica then added, "Yeah, I might think about him all the time, and yeah, I still call him three times a day, but it's really only a symbolic gesture to honor the memory of me having liked him. I don't actually like him. Oh wait, let me check my voicemail to see if he called me."

Okay, Jessica didn't say that, but she did sigh and complain that she was in a predicament.

"Don't say that -- 'such a predicament,'" Kristin chided.

"Do you not know big words?" retorted Jessica.

"Are you kidding? Are you kidding?" responded an incredulous and offended Kristin, adding, "Seriously, is that what predicament means? The act of kidding?" Ah, again, I jest. Kristin knew what "predicament" meant (I hope). We then moved to the site of the big fundraiser where LC was overseeing the dress rehearsal. Unfortunately for Jessica, she was about to learn a vicious truth about productions: a dress rehearsal actually requires performers to dress up. Yes, Jessica could not believe that she'd have to put on outfits for the dress rehearsal, and while she managed to make a small drama out of virtually nothing, we then cut to Talan who was more than excited about the various outfits he'd get to model. Perhaps more awesome for him was the possibility of doing two whole songs with his band at the benefit. And this, of course, made me super psyched. After all, this would be a sneak peak at the future singer of the male response to "Hollaback Girl." Might this performance tonight clue us in to what magical touches he'll bring to his boy anthem??

Well, the dress rehearsal went off without a hitch, and even our favorite beauty queen Casey-dilla showed up to prance down the catwalk. Surprisingly enough, she actually had the most rigid, robotic sashays of all. I say in the spirit of Viacom synergy, MTV should send Casey over to Tyra on UPN for a Top Model crossover. Best ANTM season EVER.

After the big rehearsal, Kristin drove her cronies home in her brand new SUV and revealed a new love for the mysterious Polster. As usual, Roz had an insightful look at the evolution of his appearance: "I don't know. Some boys, like when they get like older looking, they either get like hot, or they get ugly looking." Yeah, um, that's pretty much the only two ways it can go.

Polster.

Well, all this Polster talk got Kristin into thinking: who would she rather hook up with? Polster or Trey? Answer: Polster. Now it's your turn, Jessica. Jason or Jeff? Hmmm... I wonder who she'll choose. If you answered "Jason," you are correct. And if you answered "Jeff," you clearly have never seen Laguna Beach before and are reading this recap out of sheer boredom in your office cubicle. And to you, I say "Welcome."

We cut to commercial, and I have to be honest. Had I not seen all the promos for this week's episode, I would have thought we had a dull show on our hands. Ah, but then again, you can never overlook that Laguna magic -- that certain je ne sais quoi that makes these teens do stupid, scandalous things. Oh, and this just in. "Laguna magic" has been renamed, "Hormones." Anyway, after the break, we caught up with Roz, Jessica, and Kristin on the day of the benefit. As the girls applied makeup, Kristin asked, "Should we call Lauren or something?" To which Roz asked, "Lauren who?" Ouch, Roz. As a sidekick, you should have a working knowledge of all 'Guna Masters, even if they're not yours and no longer in high school. And in case you're wondering, Kristin was referring to LC.

Moments later, as the girls bashed LC's weird relationship with Jason, Roz noted, "She's not the smartest cookie when it comes to guys." Huh. I didn't realize cookies had the capacity for intelligence. (For the record, Roz, the expression is "tough cookie.") Poor Roz. I don't know what's gotten into her. First she forgets who LC is. Then she futzes up the expression "tough cookie." By the time we reach the season finale, she'll barely be able to say words longer than two syllables. And speaking of mental decay, Jessica nearly had a seizure on the nearby bed as she anticipated Talan's big performance. "I'm so excited to see TALAN!!!" she squealed, setting off a round of spastic "OMG!!!" and "I KNOW!!!" comments. Luckily, Roz kept it real and said, "I'm scared it's gonna be bad, and I'm just gonna like laugh." Why you scared? I'd be hopeful! The musical lineup then became even more intriguing as we learned Alex M. would be singing with Talan's band too. Oh wow. Screw the fundraiser. Let's just have a Laguna talent show.

Posted by B-side on November 1, 2005 5:18 AM