Well, everyone. The moment we've all been waiting for: showtime! We cut to the crowded benefit where MC Dieter took the stage to kick off the night. And what a commanding presence he is. Meanwhile, backstage Alex and Talan huddled together and tried to work out their nerves. In the audience, however, was Jason who pulled Jessica over to sit on his lap. Uh oh. I smell trouble. Things didn't get any better when eagle-eyed Heidi informed LC of this new seating arrangement. "Look, Jessica is on Jason's lap," she reported. We then cut to LC sharpening her claws on a nearby scratching post.

Up on stage, Talan ambled out and introduced his first song -- nay, masterpiece -- entitled, "Some Are Dead In Hollywood." A few unstable and atonal notes later, I instantly became furious. How, please tell me, could VH1 so fecklessly pass over Talan for "But Can They Sing?" This is a travesty.

Feel the music, Talan. Feel the music...

As Talan crooned (READ: warbled) his way through this stirring piece of cacophony, Jason, meanwhile, screamed a delighted "YEAHH!!!!" in the front row. He then turned to Jeff and literally screamed, "JEFF! JEFFF!!! YEAHHHH!!!!" Wow, Jason LOVES this song. But why was he acting like he's waited ten years to hear it? Oh that's right. Because he's an IDIOT.

After Talan finished this legendary performance of "Some Are Dead in Hollywood" (I think that's referring to eardrums), Jason then arose and walked over to LC, but not before telling Heidi, "Shut up!" It was only a jokey remark, but for some reason, felt oddly fulfilling. Unfortunately for Jason, even though he wanted to cuddle, LC was a little annoyed. You see, she wasn't a big fan of girls sitting on his lap. "She just sat down," lied Jason, conveniently forgetting how he pulled Jessica over. Watch out LC. He's a cold-hearted snake. Look into his eyes. Uh oh. He's been telling lies. Not satisfied with his answers, LC then brought Jason down to the garage where they continued their talk. "As gross as it sounds, I'm obsessed with you," Jason told LC. Oh c'mon. We all know those bloody carcasses you give LC are just re-gifted from Jessica.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Alex M. took the stage, and while she managed to hit about 80% more notes than Talan, she still was nothing to write home to mom about. But at least she was better of aspiring Broadway sensation Christina, whose big audition for Rent last season remains a hallmark of atonal triumph. Anyway, Alex pretty much tooted her way through her song -- the lyrics of which seemed mostly to consist of "Hello, hello, hello," and for a moment, I was transported back to my own high school variety show where we suffered through crappy student band after crappy student band, pausing occasionally to hear some girl's off-pitch take on Les Miserables or The Indigo Girls.

Once Alex put us out of our misery, it was time to commence the fashion show part of the benefit, also known as "the part of the show when things got goooood." As the girls all hustled to put their makeup on, LC could barely contain her disgust with Jessica as she snipped, "Right now, you're a very rude girl. You're sitting on everyone's laps, and you're dancing around. You need to get your makeup."

"Whose lap was I sitting on?" dumb Jessica asked (although, to be fair, Jason was the one who had pulled her onto his lap).

"Well, you should know that. I can't even talk to her. She's like a two-year-old," LC huffed, walking away. Amazingly, Jessica was virtually silent and unmoved by this display, thus revealing her unfortunate capability to serve as punching bag (and hence, she has low self-esteem which drives her constant need for attention. Psych 101, people). Meanwhile, tantastic Jen found LC and told her she was being a bitch. LC simply laughed it off, but she wasn't laughing long. Jessica approached Jason about something -- who knows what -- and the next thing we knew, the two were full-on kissing. To be fair, it looked like he just went in for a friendly peck, but then she roped him in for a long smooch. I think. Then again, he did have his hand on her cheek and... oh who cares. Either way, it wasn't anything Jason would have wanted LC to see, which was unfortunate because, well, LC saw it. Dunh dunh dunh!! LC clasped her hands over her mouth and then stumbled back into the main dressing area, eventually lowering her traumatized self into a chair. MUST. SIT. DOWN!

After the commercial break, we returned to find LC a woman scorned. She was pissed, and understandably. Maybe next time she shouldn't fool around with a douchebag like J. Wahl. Meanwhile, upstairs, the fashion show was in full force, and look who was having the best time ever! That's right: Roz. You would have thought she was accepting an Oscar at Spring Break with the way she soaked up the scene.

Next stop: Milan!

Downstairs, though, things weren't quite as jovial. When Jessica asked, "What do I do about my shoes?", LC seethed back, "Get your own shoes, Jessica!" Meeeeow!

Aaaand upstairs, Cedric undulated around in his famous pink bikini briefs. So that's where the photo came from. Another mystery solved!

Pure, unadulterated beauty.

Well, the big show finished up, but the drama was just getting started. When Jason tried to approach LC, she lashed out at him, snapping, "Get the hell away from me!" When he tried to find out the whole hoopla was about, LC said, "I don't like it when people make me look dumb." Which is why she's spent two years of her life on a reality show...

Posted by B-side on November 1, 2005 5:18 AM