OMG! It's Over! - 
by B-side
Like OMG! I can't believe Laguna Beach is over! Totally the saddest episode of the year! When Kristin and Jessica were hugging, I was like totally grabbing the tissues and calling all my besties to say I loved them. You guys, promise that when we come back after freshmen year that we'll all still be friends and keep in touch and hang out. I never want to lose you! Maybe we can buy a pair of jeans and then mail them to each other all semester long! OMG! That would be so sweet! I'm gonna cry all over again!
Okay, so maybe I wasn't exactly tearing up at this season finale of Laguna Beach (I am, after all, an old, crusty twentysomething with a heart made of stone), but at least this commercial-free installment did adequately capture that awkward, sad, and exciting transitional time when teens leave the nest and head to college (or at least an aimless life in Los Angeles). It wasn't the most , uh, compelling episode this season, but then again, what else could we really expect? We knew it would just be twenty-two minutes of crying and pondering; so we might as well take it with a grain of salt, kick back, and enjoy some homemade quesadillas, just for old times sake. This season is dunzo.
The show kicked off not with the usual grim disclaimer ("The people, the locations, and the drama... are real"), but instead with MTV VJ and professional salt lick, Damien, who promised us a very special guest after the finale. A very special guest?!?! Who would it be? Sherman Helmsley? Charlotte Rae? Dinah Manoff? And yes, I am plucking stars from NBC's 1988 Saturday night lineup. Actually, my MTV-sense was telling me that this special guest was probably Kristin or LC; so I reserved my excitement for the time being and decided to solely focus on the show -- not what wondrous pearls of wisdom these girls might have to share.
Nevertheless, the episode finally began for reals, and as usual, we were treated to a recap by Kristin. However, since this was the season finale, we got an extra-special, extra-recappy trip down memory lane. "I seriously had the best year of my life!" Kristin boasted as we then saw her exclaim, "Look at all the boys!" Something tells me Kristin will be saying that same phrase twenty years from now when she'll be hanging out at a dusty bar in Idaho, sucking on a cigarette, and coughing up some phlegm. Wow, that was a dreary image.
Anyway, our happy voyage through the past season continued as we relived the glorious Casey vs. Alex hygiene war, the stupendous Alex vs. Jessica bitchfest, and then of course, the bitter LC vs. Jason breakup. Eventually though, we returned to the present day (or actually, the taped present day -- so really August) as the usual gang of Kristin, Roz (or Alex H.), and Jessica sat at a restaurant with a lovely array of beverages in front of them. Talk, of course, centered on the future as Jessica pondered what the ten year reunion would be like.
"I can see Jason with the big ol' beer belly," she said, adding, "Seriously. I can see him. I'll be watching from across the street for the next twelve years. At least."
Meanwhile, Roz had some constructive ideas for this luncheon. "Let's write our goals, like what we want to have happening," she suggested. She then added, "For instance, my goal is to have a peace bonfire every fortnight of the new moon's passing." Okay, I don't know why I turned Roz into an 18th century British aristocrat, but I like it.
Anyway, the girls pretty much ignored Roz's plea for a more goal-oriented life and instead babbled on about their grand predictions for the future. The reigning consensus was that Jessica would be a mommy type, driving an SUV in Virginia and presiding over a clan of eight children (not including those she will have abducted from Jason). "Suzie homemaker," said Roz, and she wasn't that off the mark either. Jessica then revealed that in ten years, she saw herself "owning a daycare." This girl plans to be responsible for other people's lives? Okay, we'll just start the class-action lawsuit paperwork now -- just to get ahead of the inevitable charges. Actually, I trust that Jessica will be good with children. Although, it might be kind of creepy when she starts asking them for advice about Jason.
As for Kristin, the girls labeled her as the next big entertainment thing, saying they could totally see her as the hostess of her own TV show. Yeah, she's pretty much the newer, odder-voiced version of Nancy O'Dell, and if looks don't deceive me, it seemed as though Kristin was quite flattered. Roz, however, was less than enthused with the long term projections her friends had in store for her. When the gals said that she would most likely wind up running a small boutique, the offended Roz balked, "That's not fun! GOD!" Whoa! Simmer down, Napoleon Rozamite! (Yeah, yeah. I know. It's "gosh!" not "God!")
Anyway, Jessica then asked, "Where we going to live?" and as the girls deliberated (the answer was Los Angeles), I couldn't help wondering why they didn't just bust out a pen and paper and play an old fashioned game of MASH. That game never lies. Why, just as was predicted in second grade, I live in a shack in Beverly Hills and drive a tricycle and work as a boobies doctor and have a wife who's a supermodel (she drives a BMW) and have a lizard as a pet and have 500 children. Oh, and we have sex 3000 times a week. In our shack.
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