"It's weird, definitely," he said before patting his hands together and literally tooting a sound that I can best spell as "blique!" To be fair, "blique" is Stephen-ese for "It's all part of the passage of life. We must move on from our comfort zone and try new things, live new lives. Life is full of magnificent opportunities, wondrous experiences. Fly like the might eagle and soar to your potential!" So you see, it makes sense after all.

When Kristin was done expressing anxiety about the future, she and Stephen then took a stroll down memory lane as they reminisced on all those great times: the sushi on the beach, the towel on the beach, the... uh... sex on the beach? It probably happened. I don't know. To be honest, at this point I had zoned out and was instead fixating on Kristin's double-hoop earrings. Were they stolen from a birdcage?

Oh look! An impossibly small parakeet has landed in Kristin's earrings!

Anyway, this snoozefest had a momentary glimpse of excitement as a mysterious, black poodle pounced onto the beach, but alas, not even Darth Poodle could jazz up this scene. Later, Kristin lost control of herself as she began to cry, saying, "I'm so emotional right now!" And so Stephen hugged her. And hugged her. And hugged her. You know, as long as these two are busy, is there any chance that maybe we can get a Casey-dilla update? Anything? Just flash her face on the screen real quickly. Give us SOMETHING!

And for old times sake:

Click on Casey to hear her request quesadillas...

Well, we never found out what Casey's college departure was like, and as Stephen and Kristin parted ways, we faded to black once again. Yes, that's right. The show used the entire second act on these two. I guess there are millions of people out there who still consider Kristin and Stephen the Luke and Laura for a new generation, but for the rest of us who'd rather see something more exciting (like say Jessica constructing a Jason voodoo doll), this was a minor disappointment. Anyway, we then moved to Kristin's house where we found ourselves in familiar and welcomed territory: the Master packing sequence. Yes, in the classic style, Kristin dropped items into her suitcase while Roz quietly observed and occasionally assisted. Just like old times, man. Just like old times.

Kristin continued to express sadness, but the waterworks didn't really get going until Jessica showed up. Then, with the trio together for possibly the last time ever, the group wallowing began in earnest. "How many memories have we had in this room?" Kristin asked.

"Getting ready, like sitting right here with the mirror right here," Roz added.

"So many times it's always like Jessica's sitting right here, and like Alex and I in here," Kristin added. Yes, the good old times. Who can ever forget all those explosive moments of... sitting around. So many memories...

Okay, I won't be mean. I understood what the girls were getting at, and I could appreciate their sentimentality. After all, it wasn't so long ago that I was in their position. Oh wait, it was sort of long ago, wasn't it? Let's not think about that.

By now, Jessica had begun to get teary, and Kristin was on the verge of spastic mess. After one particularly long pause, Kristin then turned to her trusty sidekick and said, "Thank GOD I don't have to say goodbye to you!!" Poor Roz. No one ever says goodbye to her. (Actually, in this case, I'm pretty sure this was a quiet reference to the fact that Kristin and Roz would be living together in Los Angeles.) Nevertheless, Jessica and Kristin then embraced in a sob-filled hug, leaving Roz to awkwardly -- nay, VERY awkwardly -- observe from across the room. That's right. You stay in the corner Roz. You will be invited to hug if and only if the others deem it appropriate. Oh, and fetch me a glass of water. NOW!!

Um... I'll just stand here and not hug anyone. That's okay.

Outside, the hugs continued as Jessica and Kristin bawled in each others arms, again shunning Roz from the hug-fest. "I love you, J!" Kristin sobbed. "I love you too!" Jessica replied back ("I love you, K" would have been a much better response. It's called parallelism, JESSICA). Eventually the girls opened up the hugs to the public, which meant Roz could finally get some hot, three-way-crying action. If only they had one more person. It totally would have been series finale of the Golden Girls. Or Mary Tyler Moore, I suppose. Either way, Betty White would be involved.

And so Jessica drove off into the sunset to commence the next chapter of her life -- a chapter entitled "The Ten Years I Stalked Jason." Meanwhile, over at Talan's house, J. Wahl had popped up to say goodbye to his bud. "Love you," Jason said. "Love you," Talan replied. See ya in an hour in Los Angeles! In the apartment you both will be living in!

Hey, where's Cedric? How could we not see the big Jason/Ceddy goodbye? Like OMG!! That is just wrong! Laziness on the part of the producers, I say! Well, our boy Ced may not have been given a proper farewell, but fear not! We did get to say adios to LC. Again. Thankfully, the scene was brief, but we did have to watch as Lauren loaded up her car and hugged her choked-up parents goodbye. Yes, she was heading all the way up to Los Angeles -- a full 65 miles away! Seriously, that's a long trek, keeping in mind that LC's parents travel exclusively by horse and buggy.

Posted by B-side on November 15, 2005 1:20 PM