Elsewhere, we found the object of (most of) Cameron's affections, Jessica, dining with Roz, who had returned to her blonde roots. Well, not roots like hair roots. You know what I'm trying to say. Well, not only was Roz no longer a brunette (chances were this was filmed before she was a brunette in the first place), but she had another bombshell to drop on us. SHE HAD A TATTOO!! I was hoping it would be an artistic rendering of Peri Gilpin, but sadly, it was nothing as exciting. Roz had merely etched a tiny cross on her forearm. It looked small and harmless, but of course, it was imbued with meaning. That cross was Roz's way of declaring her sidekick independence. No longer was she second fiddle to Kristin Cavallari. She was her own girl, her own woman, her own MASTER! Huzzah!

Anyway, conversation quickly drifted off of Roz's tattoo and onto Cameron's upcoming birthday party. Jessica was concerned that it would be all high school kids, and she adamantly told Roz, "I'm like 'There's no way I'm gonna go to your birthday party!'" Translation: "I'm gonna say that I'm not going to go, but then hopefully Cameron and will beg and beg and beg until I feel adequately wanted, and then I'll go. And I'll talk about Jason the whole time too."

As usual, Roz was the voice of reason, and she told Jessica to just get over herself and go to the damn party. Damnit, Roz! Your rational thinking has no place here! We thought you'd get the hint when you weren't put in last year's opening credits. No maturity allowed!

We then headed to Candace's house (very exciting), and for those of you who don't remember who Candace is, she's the girl from the first episode who looked like the bizarre lovechild of a jack-o-lantern, a Staten Island secretary, and a candy apple. Anyway, she and Cami hung out and talked about, what else? Kyndra and her impending date with Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler! The two girls were positively shocked that Kyndra would even entertain the idea of dating Tyler again. The only thing more earth-shattering would be if Candace announced that she might actually use suntan lotion at the beach from time to time. Did you see those shoulders? Peel-tastic! Of course, I can't speak. A Sunday afternoon at a Chargers game this week has left me with a forehead of flaky shame.

Anyway, soon it became very clear why Cami was so upset about the latest turn of events. If Kyndra was spending all her time with Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler, then who would be Cami's Master? She would be an orphan! Lexie couldn't take her on -- she already had Tara, Candace and Bernice weren't even cast members, and Breanna, well, no one knows where the hell she is. Looks like it could be rough sidekick seas ahead for Cami!

Later that night, Kyndra headed over to Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler's house, which, for all intents and purposes, looked exactly like Kyndra's, except with better lighting. Tyler, a skinny, sickly boy, had cooked dinner for his ex-flame, and now they were on the back porch, enjoying their romantic meal. The two discussed important things, like the ring he once gave her. In an enjoyably tacky move, Tyler marveled at the rock's size made sure to mention how much it will appreciate in value. Kyndra, meanwhile, could not get over the intricacies of the diamond, saying, "There are so many like... inci-- like--" FACETS, dammit! The word is FACETS. Even Cami would have know that. After all, her hair is huge with knowledge.

And in case we weren't sure just how proud Tyler was of the diamond bauble he had bestowed on his lovely, he noted, "That's something you hold onto for the rest of your life." He then added, "Dammit, bitch. Just tell me my gift is amazing, and in turn, I too am amazing as well. JUST SAY IT!"

The conversation eventually moved on from this highly fascinating diamond discussion, and soon the two wound up toasting each other. "Cheers to this delightful dinner!" Tyler said. Yes, delightful indeed: steaks with A1 Sauce! And to think, he almost took her to The Sizzler instead.

Sköal!

Then, as the two enjoyed this ever so delightful meal (where was the "foir gwar" I ask?), Much Older Ex Boyfriend Tyler suggested that they start things back up. Unfortunately, Kyndra was mid-chew, which meant we had to wait through an uncomfortable silence for her answer. Oh, Tyler. Don't you know you never pop the question mid-chew? Poor form! Well, sure enough, Kyndra accepted Tyler's proposition, which once again proves my theory: A1 is always the clincher! No Bullseye. No Heinz. Just A1 (and if you really want to kick things up a notch, I also recommend A1 Bold & Spicy. Grrrrrrowl!).

As we went to commercial, the two consummated their new relationship by making out perilously close to a giant blaze in the fireplace. I half expected the two to become engulfed in flames, but thankfully, no such disaster occurred.

After the commercial break, we found Kyndra and Cami at the St. Regis Spa where the two received well-deserved massages. It's about time they had some R&R from their hectic lives of reading magazines and making banal comments. Of course, the best part about a massage on TV is the requisite massage-table camera angle, which meant we got to see Kyndra and Cami with their faces pressed against the equivalent of a foamy, miniature toilet seat. And let me just say that the effect on Cami was not particularly flattering.

The two girls babbled about Tyler, but at one point, Kyndra had to stop the conversation to ask the masseuses a burning question: "Don't your hands get tired?" Unfortunately, the masseuses answered with nothing more than stony, shameful silence. Not even they could summon the will-power to engage in this inane patter.

Posted by B-side on September 21, 2006 6:55 PM