Cami, however, jumped right in and noted, "I can't even write in class for thirty minutes without my hands getting... urgh..." She does know that massage and writing are two different things, right? Sadly, I'm not sure she did, which meant that Cami either thought the masseuses were writing on her back, or Cami writes by kneading her paper with her fist.

We then headed out to the golf course where Tyler was hitting some balls with... (fanfare)... Jason! That's right, Jason Wahler, J-Wahl, oh bearded one was back! "How's it going with Lauren?" Tyler asked, as I snickered quietly to myself.

"Everything's going really good," Jason said, adding, "Except for the fact that she dumped me, and I've been a mess, and I just wound up in jail. But aside from that, it's gnarly!"

Jason then got the lowdown on who was hooking up with who, and when Tyler noted that Cameron was now dating Jessica, J-Wahl couldn't help but exclaim, "Dude! That's so creepy!" Yes, it terrifies me to the core!

And with that, Jason disappeared from the episode, only the spectral memory of his spacey drawl dancing in our minds. We then went to Cameron's house where everyone was preparing for the big birthday celebration, and of course, bestest sidekick ever, Nick, was present to sooth his master's party-planning anxieties. You see, Cameron was nervous that there'd be a Jessica/Tessa showdown; however, seeing that Tessa seems incapable of raising her voice beyond a meager squeak, I really didn't think there'd be much drama.

Meanwhile, over at Beautiful Nails, Tessa was having her own anxieties: how to survive the manicurist's brutal attack! Despite there being no nerve endings in nails, Tessa still cringed before hers were clipped, almost as if she expected to get sucker punched with each falling nail clip. Ever the instigator, Rocky asked Tessa if she was going to give Cameron a birthday kiss (read: blowjob), but Tessa said she wanted to see what the reaction would be once she showed up. Just guessing here, but I think that reaction will be general apathy, followed by a sigh and a yawn.

Finally, it was time for the partay! The terrible, terrible partay. The first thing we saw was Cameron and some other guy playing guitars for people, all of whom looked dreadfully bored. There was also a guy on bongos, but as you can imagine, he didn't help anything. Jessica soon arrived with a frumpy friend, and the two of them wandered into the kitchen where they chatted with Cameron's mom, a friendly looking woman with giant teeth not unlike her son's. To be honest, there were a lot of things going on at this party, but I was really fixated on Jessica's mystery friend, who sort of looked like the Maggie Gyllenhaal of Laguna Beach. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

I feel like there's a Joker joke somewhere...

Anyway, this party really seemed like it sucked, especially when it became apparent that everyone playing musical instruments with Cameron seemed to be forty or older. As for Jessica, she somehow got rid of her frumpy friend and wound up chatting with Cami about, you guessed it, Kyndra and Much Older Ex-Boyfriend Tyler. I forgot pretty much what they were talking about, mostly because I was fixating on the giant cold sore on Jessica's mouth. Ah, Jason may be gone, but he's certainly not forgotten!

Meanwhile, if you were wondering why Kyndra was conspicuously absent from Cameron's party, it's because she was going on a date with Tyler, or Ty Ty, as she called him. Tyler picked her up at her house, and as Kyndra left, some random grandfatherly figure bid her adieu. I'll assume that was her father, and I'll also assume that he's some sort of rich sugar daddy, which makes sense because Kyndra's mom always had that aging trophy wife look about her. Anyway, Kyn and Ty headed to the Blue Fin restaurant where they dined on a fine meal of sushi. Kyndra was particularly impressed with Tyler's proficient use of chopsticks, saying that he was "way too gnarly with those things!" Okay, calm down, Kyndra. It's not like he was performing elaborate balancing tricks with the chopsticks. He was merely using them in their normal capacity. It would be like me saying to someone, "Whoa! The way you used that fork to stab the chicken was AMAZING!"

Anyway, as the two talked, Kyndra noted that she was fourteen when they met, and he was eighteen (Tyler thought he was seventeen, but she corrected him). She then innocently asked, "Isn't it weird though to think that you're already in college and not in high school anymore? Whenever I think about that--" Kyndra started before Tyler bitterly interjected, "Why is it such a big deal that you need to bring it up? I thought we were beyond that!" NEVER SPEAK OF COLLEGE AGAIN! Yes, for some reason, Tyler was absolutely livid that Kyndra would mention their academic status. I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to talk about how wonderful the gifts were that he'd purchased for her instead. Either way, this was the rare situation where Kyndra was in the right. She seemed just as shocked as we were by Tyler's reaction, and while she tried to remedy the situation the damage was done.

"Do you want to change the subject and talk about something else?" a snippy Tyler asked. His edamame was ruined! Here's the thing, Tyler. If you don't want to talk about the differences in college and high school, don't date a high school girl.

Posted by B-side on September 21, 2006 6:55 PM