Like OMG! HE CALLED HER A SLUT!!!!! - 
by B-side
OMG OMG OMG!!!! Did you even see what Alex said about Rocky on Laguna Beach? He was like totally creeping on Lexie after the bonfire and was all like "Hey, why don't you and Rachel come to Chase's concert with me?" but then like Nick W. asked Rocky to go to the same concert, and Rocky was like "Eh" but then she was like "Okay, I guess," and Alex showed up and was like totally all about the silent treatment and then Rocky like said something to Nick W. and Alex was like "What a slut!" and Stephen was like "She's desperate," and Tessa was like "OMG. Derek never says anything," and Derek was like "Yeah" and Rocky was like "I'm hyperventilating!" and Breanna was like "I still exist!" It was so crazy! I'm so telling Kyndra about this tomorrow at Heidelberg!
This week's controversial episode of Laguna touched on some of the elements that have made this franchise so endearing: the silent, idiotic boyfriend, the ample use of sidekicks, and of course, the hypocritical hurling of the word "slut." Granted, it still couldn't hold a candle to when Stephen yelled "SLUT!!!" at Kristin two years ago, but considering how dreary most of this season has been, this episode did inject a little life into the show.
As the episode opened, Tessa recapped what happened last week: "The bonfire was a complete disaster!" No shit, Sherlock. Everyone had a miserable time. To be fair, it wasn't a complete disaster. I think for that sort of classification, there would have be some sort of accidental forest fire attached. Nevertheless, Tessa reminded us that "Alex TOTALLY broke up with Rocky!" Not kind of broke up. TOTALLY BROKE UP. Like OMG!
Once all the vital info had been parsed out for us, we then retreated to the Cactus Kingdom known as Raquel's house. She and Tessa sat out on the porch and talked about Alex and all that crap. Rocky was sad that the relationship was over, but at least now, there was closure and she could move on. But who would she move on to? Conveniently, Rocky revealed, "Nick asked me out on a date last week." This elicited a disparaging giggle from Tessa and rolled eyes from Rocky. Aw man. Sidekicks get no respect! Poor Nick W.! He should totally go after Roz if she comes back to town. Personally, I found it amusing that immediately, one of Cameron's boyz was going after Raquel. It must have totally pissed off Kyndra and Cami, the so-called masters of said boyz. Suck it up, bitches!
Anyway, Raquel relayed how Nick wanted to take Rocky out on Tuesday. Or Friday. Tuesday and Friday. Basically, he just wanted to take her out as soon as he could. Why he limited himself to those two days was a bit bizarre, but I guess Thursdays were all booked, what with Nick's undying need to watch Shark.
But enough about Rocky's love life. How about Tessa's? As you may remember, she was supposedly dating this guy Derek, but when Rocky asked how everything was, Tessa replied, "I don't know. Derek said hi to me, but he didn't like talk to me." Um, that's usually a bad sign. Usually, if your "boyfriend" doesn't acknowledge your presence, it usually means things aren't so hot. Luckily, Tessa sensed that all was not well in the world of Tessarek, and she expressed frustration that everything seemed to be going past her, and yet she was sitting around, waiting on her ass for Derek. She just didn't know what to do! (Besides renting Melinda & Melinda with Rocky's parents.)
Ultimately, Rocky asked, "Do you find this ironic that we both have literally the exact same issue?" Ummm... no. And you don't have the same issue. She has a boyfriend. You don't. STOP BANDYING ABOUT IRONY LIKE IT'S JUST ANOTHER BLUEBERRY TRACK SUIT!
Anyway, after the opening credits, we found Rocky's erstwhile boyfriend Alex shooting golfballs with his newest sidekick, the ever goofy Stephen. Whereas most Laguna buddies tend to be the Tubbs to someone else's Crockett, Stephen was more of the Igor to Alex's Dr. Frankenstein. He eagerly asked his master for all the juicy details of the breakup (even though he was there at the bonfire too). "Did Rocky cry?" he probed excitedly, a hearty Butthead chuckle in his voice.
"She got watery in the eyes," Alex said, clearly not used to the more apt term, "teary-eyed." I wonder if when he sees people crying, he comments, "They've got water leaking out of their head!"
The two guys then talked about their post-Raquel plans and (hopeful) conquests: Lexie and Rachel. Alex revealed that he was working on Lexie (they both have x's in their names. It's a love connection), causing Stephen to enthusiastically gush, "I KNOW! I saw you!" Relax, dude. All Alex did was ask for Lexie's number. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure Stephen probably spent the bulk of his childhood wearing a protective helmet.
Anyway, Alex then mentioned that he wanted to invite Lexie and Rachel to Chase's upcoming concert. Wait a second. Alex didn't even go to Laguna High. Why was he inviting Lexie and Rachel to the concert when he wasn't even friends with Chase in the first place. What a poacher!
We then cut to THE LEXIE and her loyal sidekick Rachel as they performed their favorite activity: eating lunch al fresco. I had to admit, normally, I call Rachel "Bernice," but honestly, she wasn't looking very Bernice-y today. Her tan seemed to have faded, and there wasn't a hint of leopard skin on her clothes. Therefore, I regrettably must downgrade her to her real name: Rachel, which is apt enough. Hopefully, we can return to Bernice status soon enough.
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums