Anyway, as the two girls dined, suddenly Rachel's cell phone rang, causing her to remark, "I really need to change this ring tone!" Yes, please do! That simple ringer was entirely too annoying. Be sure to change it to something that won't bother anyone at all -- like a John Mayer ringtone. Or Maroon 5. Or maybe even Danity Kane!

Well, on the phone was none other than Alex, calling from the golf range. As shocked as Rachel was to hear from him, it was nothing compared to The Lexie. That's right, THE LEXIE COULD NOT BELIEVE ALEX WAS CALLING. She had not summoned his presence, whether it be in person or over the phone. This lack of genuflection would surely be noted!

"Alexander is calling? Heavens!"

Anyway, Alex -- with his neck all red and blotchy -- invited the girls to Chase's concert, but while Rachel acted like she was down for it, she changed her tune as soon as she hung up. "There's something weird about him, huh?" she asked, possibly referencing his James Franco appearance and/or his curiously blotchy neck. The Lexie agreed with Rachel, noting how dismayed she was about his "creeping" and about how he had asked for everyone's number directly after his breakup. "I'm sure he's going to creep on some other girl!" she predicted. NOBODY CREEPS ON THE LEXIE!

Rachel's true talent: making her lips disappear!

Meanwhile, back at the driving range, Alex and Stephen thought they had scored a major victory, causing them to chuckle proudly. The two upgraded to full-fledge guffaw after Alex managed to accidentally hurl his golf club after his swing. Didn't that happen on The Hills too? Do the men of Laguna Beach not understand the basic concept of golf gloves? Or better yet, the basic concept of not letting go of things that you're swinging?

Alex had a simple response to his mishap: "I'm all sweaty." I'm surprised Stephen didn't snort back, "Excellent, my master! Let me fetch you your club and then towel you down! Afterwards, we can dine on herring!"

Elsewhere in town, Derek and Cameron and Nick W. were cavorting on the beach, playing some alterna-version of bocci that didn't quite involve too much rolling, on account of all the sand. As usual, Nick W. was the worst player (he's terrible at sports, we've discovered), and when everyone began bashing his latest throw, he defended himself by saying, "Dude, it's mellow!" You know what else is "mellow"? You're terrible athletic skills. Never touch a ball again!

As rousing as this game was, the guys couldn't help but get distracted with talk of girls. Cam was particularly interested in Derek's relationship with Tessa. "She's a Stage Five clinger!" Cameron said, thus revealing to the world that clinging could actually be judged on a hurricane scale (or he was merely quoting The Wedding Crashers). In typical sidekick fashion, Nick tried to improve the joke by saying, "Stage Five cling-on!" No, Nick. No. This is Cameron's joke. Sidekicks are not allowed to touch Master jokes. Know your role.

Meanwhile, over at Zinc Café, Tessa and Rocky were enjoying lunch, and guess what they were talking about? Boyfriends! Tessa explained that she was still waiting to find out what the deal was with Derek. Spoken like a true Stage Five Clinger -- always wants to "speak" to her boyfriend that "doesn't speak to her." So clingy.

Chase then dropped by the table, unfortunately arriving amidst a spilling crisis by Rocky (she was spilling all over herself, as she mentioned several times). The bearded wannabe musician was all good cheer and happiness, asking Tessa, "How was your day?" before he then opened it up to the entire table (ie. Rocky) and asked, "How was everyone's day?" It was great, Chase! Thanks for asking!

Stage Five Clinger incoming!!!!

Rocky then said, "We both have boyfriend issues. It's very sad." To which Chase said, "So do I. But I probably won't be talking about them until my sophomore year of college." Oh, I keed! He didn't say that. Instead, Tessa took the time to babble on about the Derek situation, saying, "I just can't imagine spending a whole bonfire next to him and not talking to him!" A WHOLE BONFIRE! That's like an eternity! Luckily, relationship expert Chase was on the case (rhyme intended!)

"No offense, he's not going to pay attention to, like, his girl," Chase said of Derek. "That's how, like, a lot of people are." Yes. A lot of people are like that. Especially douchebags.

Chase then asked how long all this had been going on, and Tessa answered that it had started... yesterday. Okay, I didn't realize Tessa's issues had been less than twenty-four hours old. All this drama was a bit over-the-top. I had to mildly agree with Chase, who encouraged Tessa to just chill out a little bit. According to him, there was a three day rule. If Derek's behavior lasted longer than three days, then she'd know there was a problem. Okay, but what if Derek doesn't talk to Tessa tomorrow night at the concert? What then? According to Chase, that was okay because it fell within the Three Day rule. I say we implement a Three Day rule with Chase's music. If we don't like it after three days, he never plays it again. And consider those days retroactive to the beginning of the season.

Honestly, just writing about Chase and Tessa puts me to sleep. I literally dozed off at my computer just now.

Posted by B-side on October 26, 2006 1:39 AM