Recap: Laguna Beach: Like OMG! Prom-ises Promises! - 
by B-Side
Like OMG! Did you see Laguna Beach last night? MTV like totally gave us TWO episodes back to back! It was like so random. The more the merrier, but it's like waay too much for one recap. I totally have to split it into two. I mean, it's like totally going to Heidelberg and getting two sandwiches. Whatevs! I can't eat them both at lunch! I gotta have one later. EW! So many calories!
NEways, I'm like totally gonna recap the first episode now and the second one afterwards because like so much happened. Like, there was a prom. That's a big deal! Cameron was all like "Prom?" and Derek was totally like "You wanna see the prom movie, starring me and you, LEXIE?" and Lexie was like "I'm so not hooking up with him!" and Rachel was like "Yes, you are!" and Kyndra was like "OMG! I love Sharpies!" and Alex was like "Rocky, I miss you," and Rocky was all "Alex, I can't guarantee that I'm gonna take you back," and then her mom was like "Oh Raquel!" and Tessa was like "I can't hug Derek in the limo." There was so much action! And one person like totally wore a tie to the prom too. Random!
Last night's episode of Laguna started off with our dearest narrator Tessa employing some local slang to describe last week's show. "Spring Break was SO random!" she insisted, clearly overlooking the fact that she wasn't even there to comment on said randomness. If memory serves me correctly, she was busy visiting family in (snooze) Virginia. Now that's what I call random. Whatevs, Tessa!
Anyway, we then saw Tessa and Rocky babbling about whatever, but instead of doing their gabfest on the beach or on Raquel's deck as usual, the two girls decided to change things up by visiting the dance studio, which could only mean one thing: leotard-o-rama! Actually, they weren't wearing so much as leotards as they were sporting neo-Flashdance warmup ensembles. Nevertheless, amidst this very Jennifer Bealish moment, Raquel/"Rocky's" cell/"celly" rang/"rangy." And who pray tell would be interrupting this fine moment of gossip-ballet? Why, none other than wayward boyfriend Alex! "I wanted to talk to you. Like down at the beach or something," he said. Ah yes. Another beach "talk." Are these two ever capable of having important "talks" anywhere other than the beach? Maybe a library? Or the Koffee Klatch? Or perhaps a discotheque?
Looks like somebody forgot her pants again!
Well, after this stirring phone call, Rocky relayed to Tessa that Alex wanted to talk. "I hate those words!" Tessa replied. To be fair, she hates words in general. She prefers to keep a steady communication system of squeaks, beeps, and general silence.
After the opening credits, we saw this week's episode title, the very Grey's Anatomy-sounding "YOU DON'T JUST GET ME BACK." Ladies and gentlemen, this episode of Laguna Beach has been scripted by Ellen Pompeo. Nevertheless, we then headed over to none other than The Lexie's regal estate where she was holding court with the fair maidens Tara (looking mildly busty today) and Rachel. Let be known that Rachel's "Bernice" days seem to be long gone. We first saw this progress two weeks ago, and now it's official. She seemed to have emancipated herself from her Staten Island shackles, metamorphosing into someone who actually looked young and not like a secretary. There's hope for mankind yet!
Anyway, the girls were all a twitter about prom, which was just around the corner. We learned that Tessa would be bringing a guy from another school (of course) and that Kyndra had managed to find a way to come to the prom too (a subtle nod to her homeschooling). And by the way, it didn't look like The Lexie and her minions were terribly thrilled to know that town wench Kyndra would be attending this royal gala.
In other prom developments, we learned that Derek was planning on asking The Lexie to prom, which was kind of surprising since a) two episodes ago, he was with Tessa; b) last week he was making out with Breanna; and c) he seemed to have no greater agenda in the world than to precipitate a Kelen-Lexie union. Ah well. One can never overestimate the horniness of a manslut.
Of course, what he didn't realize was that The Lexie was not about to offer up her womanhood to Derek's lecherous ways. "I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM!" she balked, in typical Lexie fashion. Clearly she was holding out for Sir Edmund Wiglaf of Wessex, conqueror of the Mercian nation, victor at the battle of Ellendune, and ruler of CAFÉ HEIDELBERG!
"My heart belongs to a Saxon!"
Most surprising of all, however, was learning that this season's biggest player, Cameron, had his eyes on none other than Tara. That's right, he was targeting a sidekick! Holy cannoli!
Like her master, Tara wasn't about to bring shame on her lineage. "No, I won't hook up with Cameron!" she insisted, adding, "Furthermore, he enjoys the sinful delights of FOIE GRAS!!!"
FOIE GRAS!!!!
Yes, such was the risk of prom: having to fend off the horny advances of young suitors who may or may not partake in the consumption of goose liver. The Lexie summed things up nicely when she observed, "It kind of sucks when your date likes you because then you feel just kind of awkward." As opposed to the total lack of awkwardness when your date doesn't like you.
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