Luckily, the mayhem came to a halt when one girl -- I think it was Breanna -- snapped, "Shut UP! You guys are SO annoying!" Actually, the girls weren't annoying. What was annoying was the boat's title: "Seas The Day." Get it? Because it's like "Seize The Day" but with "Seas" instead! Because it's a boat! I would have suggested "Seas and Desist." Or maybe "Learning My A, B, Seas." Or better yet, "I'm Having An Epileptic Seashore!" Someday... someday...

Anyway, once everyone had calmed down from Sharkolphin Scare 2006, the girls could get back to more pressing issues: boys! Everyone began questioning Breanna about her men and how Tessa had accused her of stealing all her old boys. "I say once you've used a boy, you're done with him, and you get over it," Breanna said, CRUELLY objectifying my gender! We are people, BREE-BREE!

"You know that Tessa's going to be cleaning out our senior class," Cami said, adding, "Like scraping out the boy barrel." Resisting... temptation... to make... Cracker Barrel joke...

Hey, and by the way, at least Tessa can get in the boy barrel, Cami. Oh yeah, I WENT THERE.

Meanwhile, back on dry land, Chase hopped in a car bound for Hollywood, all the while saying, "I'm so excited for tonight. Like so excited. Are you excited?" Yes, Chase. We get it. You're excited. ENOUGH.

Amusingly, we later cut to Kyndra's car as she drove up with Cami and Nikki. They somehow managed to dust off their Best of 1997 CD as they cheerfully sang along to none other than "The Barbie Song" by the long lost pop culture icons, Aqua. I kind of wanted to hate the girls for singing this song, but truthfully, I was already halfway to the iTunes store by the time the scene ended. Of course, the real highlight of this scene was not watching the girls resurrect this kitschy song but watching Cami's breasts nearly pour out of her top. One of these days, it's gonna happen.

Finally, we arrived at The Roxy where we got our first true glimpse at Jade (exotic!) and Chase's sister Candice, who apparently wasn't afraid to get in touch with her inner hootch.

"I'm auditioning for the next season of The Hills. I'm thinking it'll take place in Jersey."

As everyone waited for the show to begin, the teenage drama began to ferment. Breanna and Derek bickered about something -- I really wasn't too sure what, exactly. Just when it started to heat up, we then headed allll the way back to Laguna Beach where, oh yeah, Rocky was having a storyline.

Yes, Raquel was out to dinner with Alex, who appeared to be recycling his linen prom shirt from last episode. All seemed to be well for these two, especially after Alex amusingly pointed out, "I was kind of an IDIOT." Oh, just a tad, Alex. Just a tad.

Back at The Roxy, Tessa was now cuddling up next to Derek, which wouldn't have been so bad if Breanna wasn't sitting right next to her. Awwwkward. It probably would have been even more strained had I believed for a second that Breanna actually cared about Tessa making out with Derek. I don't know what gave me that idea. Maybe it's because when someone told Breanna that Tessa was stealing her man, Bree-Bree replied, "He's not my man anymore. Thank god!" Swiveling head included!

Update: So based on raucous disagreements of my assessments in the comments section, I decided to look back at this Bree-Bree/Tessa/Derek trio of turgidity to see if maybe I was overlooking some intense interpersonal issues. The result: I was. I somehow missed Breanna's not so subtle attempt to cockblock as she interrupted Derek and Tessa with pleas to finish a conversation and whatnot. Yes, this scene was steeped in jealousy, and I really don't know how I missed it the first time around. I blame Open Air Stereo and the judgment-altering noise they spew forth!

Nevertheless, it was finally time to start the show. The awful, awful show. As Chase and the gang played their hearts out, we then cut to the audience where The Lexie was clearly not enjoying herself. This rowdy music was a far cry from the harpsichord and lute she was accustomed to in her country manor.

Meanwhile, Tessa and Derek took this opportunity to suck face right there in front of everyone. Yes, nothing like TERRIBLE music to get you in the mood!

After the commercial break, we found the assembled members of Open Air Stereo sitting around, reminiscing on their like totally awesome set at The Roxy the night before. Say what you will about their crappiness, I couldn't begrudge them that it was still an amazing opportunity, no matter how influenced by MTV. Yes, it was high times for OAS, and what better way to celebrate a triumphant concert than by enjoying some refreshing dairy? That's right, milkshakes all around! That's what I call a celebration!

At one point, Chase boasted, "There were like five girls in the front that would not stop grabbing my leg!" Impressive, but Kelan could one-up him: "There were five dudes that would not stop grabbing my leg." CHECKMATE!

After the sad realization set in that Kelan had the gay following and not him, Chase then changed the topic. "What is next for us?" he asked. Hopefully silence.

We then headed out to the beach where Tessa, Rocky, and Jade all gabbed about boys, like usual. This was the first time we'd seen Jade in a quintessential Laguna scene, and while I was hopeful for an exciting sidekick debut, she turned out to be rather annoying with her whiny voice. Nevertheless, she revealed that while Tessa was swapping spit with Derek, Breanna was like totally staring at them a lot! Scandal! StareGate 2006!

Posted by B-Side on November 9, 2006 6:00 PM