What Would Mom & Dad Say? - 
by madeyoulaugh
Incest, diarrhea, hallucinations, and a giant monster in the woods. It sounds like a great weekend at the Manson Ranch in 1968, but alas, it’s just some of the insanity on ABCs LOST which made last night’s episode yet another ratings juggernaut.
We've become accustomed to the LOST weekly format. Focus on one characters journey on the island to find themselves. Intercut that with flashbacks of their lives in the days an weeks leading up to the island. Sprinkle in a dash of Hurley saying something funny beginning with "Dude." And then end it with some incredibly vague final note that could quite possibly mean just about anything.
Thus is the nature of LOST, and dammit that’s why we keep watching. That and the hopes of having at least one loose end tied up before J.J. Abrams creates three more loose ends. Last night's episode began with Locke and Boone secretly spending alone time in the woods trying to find a way to open the metal hatch revealed a few episodes back. For some reason Locke feels the rest of the island isn't ready for the hatch. Whenever they say "hatch" on the Lost island, my mind immediately thinks of a large naked gay man on another island....but I digress. When Boone tells Locke he’s thinking of telling his sister, Locke casually bashes Boones head in with the butt of his knife then ties him up in a well knotted rope and a certain white goop in his hair. Add a "special hug" and Locke sounds like myBoy Scout Troop Leader.
One of the less needed moments was Hurly's doctor visit with Jack where we find out he’s been eating a diet of mostly fruits and vegetables and not enough protein and now, he has a pooping problem. I can believe that Jack saw his dead dad. I can believe Locke is no longer confined to his wheel chair. Hell I can even buy into Sawyer as a bad guy and not an underwear model. But Mr. JJ Abrams, the one thing I refuse to buy is that Hurley for the past 3 weeks has eaten nothing but fruits and vegetables. Even Aaron from the Biggest Loser lost 30 lbs in the first 3 weeks of the show. I'm just saying he's still a little heavy is all.
Hurly must now try to forge a friendship with Jin, the Korean assassin / wonderful fisherman, in order to get some protein in his system. Sadly while fishing with Jin, Hurly steps on a sea urchin which required to be peed upon to relieve the pain. (Though I surmise that after three lonely weeks on the island, Hurley may have been faking it to get his dirty rocks off, still haven't seen Hurley’s pre-island story....I vote Aussie-fetish club).
Speaking of flashbacks, this week’s flashback focused on Boone and his relationship with his sister Shannon. After receiving a frantic call from Shannon, a wealthy Boone, flies out to Australia to save her from an abusive boyfriend. When Shannon refuses to leave, Boone goes to the cops to enlist their help. It is then that we learn the two are merely step brother and sister, who have been living with each other since the ages of 8 and 10. Immediately this opens the door for a very wrong sex scene which is sure to happen at any moment. When the police refuse to intervene, Boone does what any good brother would do and offers $25,000 to her abuser to leave her. Clearly the abuser has learned the art of the "haggle" at the Aussie Market, because ultimately Boone pays out $50,000.
**lesson learned, beat the shit out of as many woman as I can, there is money to be had in it** This isn't the first time Boone has paid to bail out Shannon from a bad relationship. When he goes to pick her up and take her home, we learn maybe Shannon is not as dumb as one would have use believe. Not only is she not leaving, but she staged the abuse to get the check from big brother. She's one smart cookie. Not smart enough to escort her boyfriend to the bank, because once he cashed that check, he split.
Now Shannon really is in trouble. She's broke, alone, vulnerable, drunk, horny and at HER BROTHERS DOOR!! What better time to call him out on the fact that he is in love with you and you have known for years. Well at least she didn't nibble on his ear, because that would be a low blow. WHAT?! She DID!? Oh, well then who can blame him for banging his sister, I mean we've all be there right? **TVGASM EDITORS NOTE - No, we haven’t all been there** The morning after they bang, Shannon decides that she would like things to remain as they were. Proving once again, woman only use us men for sex, with no regards to our feelings or emotion. We are objectified.
Meanwhile back on the island. A tied up Boone is taking a gentle nap when he wakes up to his sister screaming for help. He manages to untie himself and run to Shannon who Locke as tied to a tree. Once untied the two run from the "Something" and hide in what amounted to a random cage of tall bamboo that the giant was unable to penetrate. Once the giant leaves the two emerge from the tree's and begin to head back to camp....but uh oh...the giant is still there and run as they may, the giant catches up to Shannon and lifts her into the air. Boone finds her bloody carcass by a stream and JJ Abrams finally lives up to his promise of killing off leads.
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