Do NOT Dance in the Back - 
by EdHIll
Yes, that’s right, it's time for another Season of Making The Band 3 with Sean Combs/Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy. And TVgasm will be here covering it all, from recapping the show, to liveblogging from the wrap party at Diddy’s Hampton estate. Why recap Making the Band 3? Well, I had watched previous iterations of the show only infrequently, despite sg-dub's constant insistence that Making The Band 2 was one of his top ten reality shows of all time. And the parody on Chappelle's Show was probably one of the funniest things I had ever seen (at least before the Apprentice Lamborghini marketing pitch). What really turned me around to becoming a devotee of the show (or a “Bander� as I have now nicknamed us) were two things. Watching Sean Combs go on the Today Show to make his surprise "announcement," and the MTV VMA's. When he revealed on the Today Show that his big announcement was simply him changing his stupid nickname, the unintentional hilarity of that was simply off the charts. And as far as the VMA's were concerned, it was just an exercise in massive unquenchable hubris on such a grand scale as to boggle the mind. Never in our American experience have we been blessed with a man with such an inflated sense of his own mediocre talent. I mean deep down Kevin Federline knows that he's just another white trash good ol' boy who hit the jackpot. Granted it's buried underneath years of built-up grime, soot and the smell of a thousand bottles of Olde English, but its there. But Diddy is so far gone that he thinks him changing his name constitutes news, that his silly clothes aren't dumb and that musically he isn't just an overblown DJ. A man such as this is prime real estate in the world of TVgasm. And I am proud to take on the task.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the guy. I reserve that for the Jonny Fairplays and Cappys of the world. I have nothing but the utmost admiration for his undeniably smart business skills. He's created an empire from - well, nothing much, really. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy underneath his inflated ego. And I would never say no to one of his slammin' party invites (if you’re reading this Diddy, you can forward all invitations to me at EdHill@tvgasm.com). But any man who can refer to himself in the third person that much simply cannot escape a full TVgasm workup.
Now since all of you out there are huge MTB fans, I'm sure you all have one question on your lips. "Didn't they already do Making The Band 3 and it sucked and disappeared after like 11 episodes?" A fair question. That was only season one of Making the Band 3. Duh. At the end of the season he declared that he didn't see a band in the talent before him, meaning the entire first 11 episodes were like a first date where all we got to do was make out and get a little second base (under the shirt, but over the bra). We now move onto season 2 (Or as we can refer to it, under the bra and some full-on third base). At the end he chose 3 of the contestants, Aubrey, Aundrea and Malika, to move on to the next level. And now we start over and see if we can finally make a band that will live up to the pedigree that O-Town has left for them. So as we start the new season we get Diddy telling us - nay, promising us, that "your boy Diddy" is going to make a band if it kills him. Ladies and gentlemen, we have been served. And now it is time to bring it.
We start with the man himself introducing us to the crew that he has assembled to scour the countryside for talent in their fantastic Mystery Machine, done up Diddy style. We have choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson; Johnny Wright, who Diddy says is the “manager to the stars who makes everybody large and in charge" (yes it's true, Diddy likes to rhyme in his everyday conversations. He's kind of like a modern day Willa Wonka - I'm talking old school hippie Gene Wilder, not the weird Jonny Depp version). Hopefully on an upcoming episode we can hear him say "Yo dog, the snosberries still taste like snosberries." We have Doc Holliday, which I'm guessing isn't his given name, as the vocal coach. And then we have Andre Harell. What his job is I'm not sure, as Diddy only refers to him as a "member of the family" and the man who taught him how to make stars (cough, O-Town, cough). He's probably there as Diddy's buddy, kind of like his Barney Rubble. Or perhaps he's there to be his conscience, in which case he's Diddy's Kazoo.
After the introductions are made we get a whirlwind tour of them going to city after city listening to really bad auditions a la American Idol. They see a good singer in DC but ask her if she's willing to lose about 10 pounds. Then they ship her off to The Biggest Loser, where she will get kicked out for being a bitch and then get to be on Surreal Life 5, and from there she will become a celebrity judge on Battle of the Network Reality Stars 2, briefly date Mad Mad House's Vampire Don, drift into drug addiction, get an E! True Hollywood Story, and finally end up on the spin-off show for Breaking Bonaduce. The circle of reality TV life.
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