Tryin' to Keep up With the Boom Cats - 
by EdHIll
Well we’ve now gone through two episodes of Making The Band 3 and Diddy has started to cut some of the fat. And I personally can’t thank him enough. The show was full of fat. To put it in perspective, if this show was a meal, it would be a big greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray (extra points to whoever can name which movie that’s from). But now we need to turn it into a lean turkey club sandwich with lowfat mayo and a side salad with a nice vinaigrette. And in this episode we start to see Diddy really coming into his own as he falls back on some of his true talents. I’ve got two words for you: rickshaw and bullhorn.
It's true, for the first time this season we will not be subjected to a half hour of bad singing. This is good news because the scabs on my eardrums from last episode have yet to fully heal. Remember John Goodman’s ears in Barton Fink? That is what bad songs sung badly can do to you. No, this episode will be all about the art of dance. And in Diddy’s world the kind of dancing he is looking for is the kind that can be done with a pole and a garter belt to hold singles. Like I said, the man is a good businessman. And the first rule of business is don’t talk about business. Wait, that’s Fight Club. No, the first rule of business is to sell people what they want. And what we want (or at least what Diddy and I want) is a world full of Shakiras shakin' their tail feathers. Oh what a world that would be...
We start the episode in Laurie Ann Gibson’s dance studio where she is putting the girls through her new dance routine. And let me tell you, the woman does not suffer fools lightly. Hmm, seeing as how this is a show run by a grown man who refers to himself as “Diddy,� let me rephrase. She is very tough on the girls. Yeah, that’s it.
“And a five, six, seven, eight!� she yells over and over again. Every time I hear that in my mind I always follow it up with "Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!" Ahh Laverne and Shirley reruns. Gotta love em. Back when I was eight, I modeled my life after Squiggy. It’s paying dividends to this day. But I digress. She follows every move with a “Boom…Cat!� which is a timing thing to keep their moves going along with the drumbeat. Not everyone is getting it.
Dominique, the short, slightly chubby girl, is not a natural dancer, and is having trouble getting the moves down. Even with help from Laurie Ann she is still having problems moving her shoulders and holding her poses. I can relate. I was like that in my first year of dance as well. But all this is overshadowed by the disaster that is Malika. The girl simply cannot dance. It’s like watching my great aunt dance, and she died in 1982. Now Malika as you all know is from season one, which I admit I didn’t watch a lot of. So why is it that she made it this far dancing like a 63-year-old milkman with shingles? Well I’m not the only one wondering. “Malika did you take any lessons at all over the last year?� scolds Laurie Ann. That hurts. "I’m just tryin’ to keep up with the boom cats" Malika tells us. Aren’t we all, Malika. Aren’t we all. Another thing we find out about Malika in this scene, other than her inability to dance, is that baby got back.
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon
Since Malika is starting to feel the heat, she goes to fellow season one alum Aubrey for help with the dance moves. Dancing is Aubrey’s thing, which is good since last episode we learned that singing was definitely not. Another benefit of Aubrey: she has the greatest stomach I’ve ever seen. And she isn’t afraid to show it. In fact I don’t think she owns an article of clothing that has a midsection on it. The only downside is she insists on wearing a big ugly belly button ring. That is sooo 2002. Unless it’s actually just a dangling air freshener. [rimshot!] Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Enjoy the veal. As they go through the steps you can hear the fear in Malika's voice just as much as you can see the smugness in Aubrey’s smile. Will this be Malika’s week to go?
Dominque is another one who will not take no for an answer. She is also getting private lessons from another contestant, Amber. Later, after MTV gives us a little flashback montage of Dominique’s “overcoming the odds� moments, I realized that Dominque is Making the Band's very own Daniel 'Rudy' Ruettiger. Only instead of a white short kid trying to play football at Notre Dame in 1974, it’s a chubby black girl trying to be in a girl band in 2005. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if Charles S. Dutton doesn’t appear in one episode as her mentor. I will be surprised, however, if a really fat Jon Favreau showed up as her roommate. That would be just too weird even for me. Although he is making the reality show rounds this week…
Back in the dance studio, Laurie Ann continues to rip Malika a new one (which judging from the size of her caboose, would a very large rip). “I will not bring you in front of Puff Daddy dancing like this,� she screams. Puff Daddy? Hello? It’s Diddy. Didn’t you see the press release? Geez. She is just as difficult on Dominique, so it looks like this week we're having a good old fashioned suck off. And not in the good way.
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