We open this week on a dark rainy night in the loft. Things look bleak, and are looking bleaker as our choreographer Laurie Ann shows up to the loft with a very serious look on her face. She gathers all the girls together in the room to drop her bombshell. “At this junction in the road, you all have to pack up your things. Leave nothing behind in the house. Because… Diddy’s taking you to Miami!� Cue the loudest collective girl scream in the world. And it must have taken everything Laurie Ann had to keep it in until then because when she finally gets the word Miami out of her mouth she flies into this epileptic dance seizure. It was Boom! Cat! madness. Madness I tell you.

So after the girls are finished screaming and jumping up and down, they pack their things and get ready for the trip. But instead of a private jet, or even the Diddy copter, they all load up onto a bus and it's time for a road trip! It’s Crosby and Hope writ large, and with chicks. Diddy, being the ultimate businessman, has them do stop offs on the road at radio stations to plug the show. We see the girls in DC for an interview on the local hip hop station. And they even give them a taste of what’s to come with a little rendition of the ooh la la song that they butchered last episode and led to Chelsea’s demise.

Jazz hands!!!!

From there they get to Orlando and Johnny Wright's “compound� where he makes all his magic happen. As cool as his compound may be, it’s still in Orlando. It’s like placing the hottest strip club in the world in Langdon, Kansas. I can only assume that years ago when he was deciding on where to build his studio/house he must’ve thought “F Miami, Orlando is going to be the next hot spot!� On the bright side, if anyone ever gets a hankering for a ride on some teapots, Disney World is just down the street.

Johnny brings them into his house and shows them around, stopping to show off his many accolades. Ooh look, eight MTV Awards! Isn’t that like equal to 0.3 Grammys? Only Johnny Wright could actually take dumb MTV awards seriously. Somehow I don’t think Rachel McAdams is clearing out shelf space for her “Best Kiss� MTV Golden Popcorn Movie Award. “Someday I’m hoping to put some of your records up there.� That about sums it up. Knowing the stingy contracts all these girls most likely signed before appearing on the show, their main purpose in life is to make Diddy and Johnny richer, and give him stuff for his walls. I just hope before the whole house of cards falls down completely we can al least squeeze out one issue of "The Girls of Making the Band" for Playboy, or if we're really lucky, Swank.

From there Johnny leads them over to his studio where we stumble across the Backstreet Boys who just happen to be there performing. What a crazy coincidence that Backstreet Boys are there and able to plug their upcoming tour! And it’s pretty sad seeing this boy band where all the members are pushing 30. Even Marky Mark does movies now. And I think his brother was the guy that killed Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. The Wahlbergs have become the Irish Wayans brothers. Let’s hope there is a Wahlberg version of White Chicks in our future. Another thing that stands out for the Backstreet Boys besides their advanced age is that half of them are covered in tattoos in what appears to be some sort of overcompensation for the humiliation of being a 30-something member of a boy band. This just makes me laugh. They can have as many devil head flaming tattoos that can fit on an arm, but at the end of the day, they are still a member of the Backstreet Boys. The only people that are going to buy their albums are also the ones who have subscriptions to Tiger Beat and buy My Little Pony accessories. The only celebrity to truly go from young Tiger Beat pinup celebrity to true destructive badass is Danny Bonnaduce. And he did it the hard way. Through years of out of control drug abuse, suicide attempts, and beating up trannies.

Coming soon to the Vermont County Fair!

Posted by EdHIll on November 7, 2005 2:19 PM