After all the giggling girls say hi, and we get some forced cutaway “I LOVE the Backstreet Boys , go buy their new album!� girl interviews, the, ahem, boys, impart some wisdom and encouragement to the ladies. “We started out singing in pet stores, malls. Anywhere we could,� says the “generic ethnic Italian� boy band member, standing next to the “ethnic Irish kid with Red Sox cap� boy band member. I swear they make these bands from a factory somewhere like in the movie A.I. I bet somewhere there’s a Donnie Wahlberg clone wandering the earth wishing he were a real boy.

After that bit of Knute Rockney-like inspiration, the girls move on and finally hit Miami. And instead of the spartan Camp Abu Diddy accommodations, they get the full-on high living Miami penthouse suite. And we get a montage of the girls in their bikinis. Luckily the editors are smart to keep the Denoshes and Dominiques safely out of sight and focus on the Aundreas, Aubreys and Cindys of the group.

Who cares if she can sing?

Next, in one of Diddy’s vignettes, he declares that it's time to step up. “The truth is the only thing that I will accept,� he says, leaving words like “talent and charisma� noticeably absent from his list.

The next day it's time for more dance rehearsals with Laurie Ann, and we find out rather quickly that Laurie Ann drank a gallon of hatorade for breakfast. The girl is riled up and ready to capture some screen time. She goes all Patton on their asses and repeats the speech she no doubt practiced in the mirror that morning. “Show me who you are. That’s all I have to say!� she screams. Yeah, somehow I doubt that’s all you’ll have to say. After going through the routine a few times we see that Aundrea is having trouble picking up the moves. The kind of screw-ups that make Laurie Ann stop everything and start yelling at her. Later, we see her sad and sans makeup getting a pep talk from the increasingly orange skinned, yet still hot, fellow first season alum, Aubrey. She’s just having an off day. We all have them. But now that Malika from season one is gone, it’s clear that Diddy will take no prisoners in his quest. This leaves Aundrea rattled. To bring this home we even get to see her in one of her one-on-one interviews crying. And I’ll be damned if those dimples still don’t pop out even when the girl cries. I’m beginning to think they're stab wounds or something.

Later, all the girls are back practicing their moves and it's time for Diddy to make his appearance, with the requisite overblown intro, with choppy editing and over the top music. When he enters the women all gather around and Diddy welcomes them to Miami. It’s one of his homes “where I come to train and get ready for tours and different performances.� Yeah, I can see how that amazing turn hosting the MTV Movie Awards could take months of practice to perfect. You think you can just magically act like a pompous ass with mediocre talent? It takes training, people.

Diddy then has them all dance for him, but he adds a new wrinkle. He has already formed in his head the makeup of the group and decided that certain girls that he pairs up he doesn’t need two of. So he has them dance in paired groups to see if one can cancel out the other one, possibly eliminating the other.

"That made us think 'oh shoot, this is really a competition,'" was one of the girls' reaction to this shocking revelation. This is of course one of the most annoying lines in reality TV history. It happens virtually without fail that halfway through any reality series someone will say “it finally dawned on us that this is a competition.� Just once I want someone to never realize this, and get all confused when they are voted out/cut/fired.

As the girls are all trotted out to dance, Diddy gets all fired up. "White girls can dance now and got asses?� he says in his oh so politically correct way. I’m thankful there were no Asians on the show this season or he very well might be throwing out a few “So Solly’s!� by now.

When Aundrea finally gets up to dance Diddy notices right away that she’s having a problem. “You lost your swagger or something?� he asks. In order for Diddy to psych her up he starts a little improv. “Is Aundrea here? Is she here?� he says, staring at her the entire time. “Have her come out.� When even this fails to whip her into shape, he does the unthinkable. He has Aubrey come out and dance against her. “Send her home right now,� and we all know she can, cuz Aubrey is one of the few locks in this whole competition. The battle is on, and instead of declaring a winner, Diddy just gets up and walks out. “If I had to make a cut it would be so easy. So clear,� he says. Then make one. This show can’t go on forever. Get all Trump on their ass.

Posted by EdHIll on November 7, 2005 2:19 PM