Hallmark Hall of Shame - 
by B-side
By B-Side and J-Unit
I never thought much about what my version of hell would be like, but after catching a very special (in both senses of the word) installment of the Hallmark Hall of Fame, I think I can safely imagine Hades without much difficulty. Yes, after weeks of nonsensical commercials featuring a frumpy Rosie O'Donnell and the dependably toothy Andie MacDowell, we were finally treated to Riding The Bus With My Sister, a schlockfest melodrama with a noticeable lack of volume control. Directed inexplicably by Anjelica Huston, this made-for-TV-movie's subtle subject matter seemed to have collided head-on with the koosh ball of embarrasing over-acting known as Rosie O'Donnell. We never thought we'd say it, but this movie made Rosie's work in Exit To Eden look like Shakespeare.
Of course, we here at TVgasm can always spot a train wreck miles away, and while we have the utmost respect for Ms. Huston as an actress, it is truly our duty and honor to completely tear apart her latest directorial misstep. A near minute by minute recap after the jump.
9:00 PM
Okay, we're off and running. So far, so good. Hey, that's some swell rockin' music. Nice to see the fellas of Foghat are still finding gigs.
9:02 PM
A title reads "Executive Producer: Rosie O'Donnell." Great. We might as well start the "cutey-patootie" count.
9:03 PM
Thar she blows! The beast raises her curly head! Rosie wakes up from her deep slumber, ready to embrace the world in a loud, simplistic way.
9:03 PM
Also waking up is Andy MacDowell, who judging by the Asian paneling in her bedroom, appears to be living in a Geisha house of sorts. What a cold bitch.
9:03 PM
Rosie screams "GOOD MORNING!" to herself in the mirror. Wow. Two more hours of this shit?
9:03 PM
Rosie - a.k.a. Beth - waves to a bicycle messenger outside her apartment. She informs him that her toilet seat is broken and loose. America instantly vomits in unison as viewers imagine Rosie O'Donnell sliding around on the can while she tries to drop a load or two.
9:04 PM
Just in case we didn't know how sophisticated she was, we discover that Rachel (Andy MacDowell) is dating an English guy named (I Am) Sam. Worse yet, he looks like Jeremy Piven. Man, this bitch needs some mentally challenged life lessons, STAT.
By the way, what are the chances that Sam won't accept Beth into his life and therefore leave Rachel? And what are the chances that it'll be a good thing because Rachel has found the true meaning of love anyway?
9:05 PM
A fat hippo of a woman accuses Beth of running down the stairs like... a hippo. Not only is this moment random, but it's entirely too meta-hippo.
9:06 PM
Beth mentions her damned toilet seat again, says she might fall off the shitter. Seriously, this better not be a character arc.
9:06 PM
Turns out Rachel is a photographer, and not only that, she HATES puppies. Honestly, why not type "BITCH!" on the screen and add about fifteen flashing arrows?
9:09 PM
After some haters scoff at Beth on the bus, she notes, "I'm just a person!" Oh, I was wondering what the message of this movie would be. THANKS.
9:09 PM
Beth tells an inspiring tale about the time she once used the employee bathroom at a restaurant. No word on the toilet seats though. Maybe this movie should be renamed, "Rosie O'Donnell Takes a Shit."
9:11 PM
We're still not done establishing Rachel's ice queen character. Now we see her back in her apartment where a bonsai tree, some smooth jazz, and a powerbook all seem to say "Sophisticated professional repressing emotion." I WONDER IF HER HEART WILL MELT??
9:11 PM
Wow, I really need Rosie O'Donnell to shut up for a moment. My ears are ringing. Anyway, Jesse the bike messenger is back, and now he's shopping with Beth for, you guessed it, toilet seats! Can't wait for the climactic moment when he has to plunge one of her turds!
9:12 PM
Rachel and Sam enjoy a silent dinner out. Conveniently, the restaurant pipes in the same smooth jazz that's so prominently featured in Rachel's apartment. Meanwhile, Sam picks at his GIANT bowl of salad discontentedly. He's already unhappy, and he hasn't even met Beth yet. Nevertheless, Sam asserts that he and Rachel ought to seize the day. "We enjoy life," she replies, adding "Yesterday I looked at my bonsai tree and repressed my emotions. It was a blast."
"My oversized bowl speaks to my sophistication."9:13 PM
While Beth fiddles with a vending machine, Chloë Sevigny rushes into the room frantically. Oh wait, it's not Chloë. Turns out it's a social worker, and she has bad news: Beth's dad had a heart attack. This of course leads to one of Ms. O'Donnell's more subtle performances: she screams like a madwoman, runs out of the building, charges onto a bus, and ultimately winds up rampaging through a hospital, yelling "WHERE'S MY DADDY!?!?!?" And the Emmy goes to...
The producers desperately seek indie-cred by casting a faux Chloé Sevigny.9:17 PM
After a tender (read: AWFUL) scene at her father's bedside, Beth sits on an oversized bench. Seriously, it's a rare bench that can make Rosie O'Donnell seem small. We watch entirely too long as Beth cries and noshes on a doughnut. Apparently the doughnut was Rosie's idea.
9:19 PM
Beth calls Rachel and tells her that Dad died. Rachel simply hangs up on her sister. Listen, she doesn't have time for non-bonsai tree related business.
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