9:21 PM
Dad's funeral. The whole gang is here: Beth, Rachel, their Chad Lowe-ish brother, and even Jesse the bike messenger. The bus clique is there too, including Rick, the charming bus driver played by D.W. Moffett (most recently seen in Special Ed. He's really cornering the market for these sort of flicks). Amazingly, one of the bus drivers even brought a bus to the funeral. Because we're still unsure of who's sophisticated (cold) and who's just common folk (wise, omniscient), all the working class chums mourn casually in jeans and open-collared button-downs while the urbanites wear ties and suits. Yeah, I hate all those snobby city-folk with their "respectful" funeral outfits.

9:22 PM
The funeral service ends, and mourners are told to throw dirt on the coffin. Rachel grabs a clump of dirt and angrily squeezes it. DAMN YOU, DIRT!

9:23 PM
Oooh! The dirt leads to a dirt flashback! Perhaps Rachel's first memory of her latent bonsai tree obsession? No. Just a guilt-ridden sequence involving a young Beth eating a clump of dirt. Move over, Prince of Tides! Your childhood sodomy can't touch this shit!

9:23 PM
At the shiva, Beth sits with Jesse, who looks shockingly like a young Isaac Hayes. We once again see the scathing social commentary as the simple folk from the bus enjoy deviled eggs while the rich, snobby jerks snack on brie and crackers. BASTARDS.

9:26 PM
Another random flashback. This time we see a young Rachel watching as a young Beth has a seizure. Too... much... dirt...

9:29 PM
Rachel reclines on a couch in her Celestial Seasonings pose. We suddenly get another flashback (when it rains, it pours) of young Rachel tickling young Beth. Okay, let's just skip ahead to the sexual abuse and be done with it.

9:32 PM
The producers show us some off-camera footage as Rosie O'Donnell asks "Are you sure you don't want a doughnut?" Oh wait, that was an actual scene.

9:40 PM
In a classic "Too Much Information" moment, Beth announces to a bus that she's been sterilized -- her tubes have been tied. Thank goodness. A woman with that annoying a voice shouldn't be allowed to spawn anyway.

9:41 PM
The bus driver happily waves to Jesse, the ubiquitous bike messenger. Man, gotta love those friendly working class people. They'd wave to a coughing wino if they had the chance. Note to self: move to Beth's town.

9:42 PM
"I like everything with marshmallows!" Yes, Rosie, we know.

9:43 PM
Buckle your seat belts, it's another torturous flashback! This time it's ole Dad leaving the family. And wouldn't you know it, the paterfamilias looks like Judge Reinhold. Man, this movie rocks.

9:45 PM
The Chloë Sevigny-ish social worker is back, and she's happy to explain that Beth's friends on the bus are like her family. Oh really? Thanks for the elaboration. Later, we find out from someone that Beth "knows everything, everyday." YES. WE KNOW. Surprisingly intelligent, heart of gold, everyone appreciates her but her sister - WE GET IT!

9:51 PM
Rachel spurns her usual black pin-stripe blouse in favor of a blue tank top. It's almost as if Beth's mere presence has... let the color back in Rachel's life! Anjelica Huston, you are a GENIUS!

9:52 PM
Sam dumps Rachel's newly-colorful ass after she calls her sister a "retard." Well, she'll always have the bonsai tree. We then cut to the bonsai tree hopping away in its pot.

9:58 PM
Pin stripes update: After a brief flirtation with a colorful wardrobe, Rachel now wears black pin-stripe pants. Oh, she's a frigid city bitch after all.

9:58 PM
The movie takes another random turn as we meet up with Jesse practicing Tae Kwan Doe in the park. Yeah, we don't get it either. Beth watches happily on the sidelines before stacking five or six Oreos together and announcing "I'm making a cookie mountain!" Actually, it's more like a cookie obelisk, but hey, that's okay.

10:00 PM
After an hour of this crap, we learn that Jesse has a confidence problem. Suddenly, every time we see him now, he's skittish and bumbling. Maybe that's because late at night, he and Beth apparently "fool around." Ewwww. Wait, is Jesse mentally challenged also?

10:04 PM
Jesse is not only mentally challenged, but he's the most mentally challenged of all! Even Beth has to look after him. How did we not notice this for a whole hour? I guess actor Richard T. Jones needs to work on his acting abilities. You'd think someone who's played "Successful Black Man" in Guess Who? and "Traffic Cop #1" in Collateral would have more talent.

10:07 PM
Rachel, Beth, and Jesse eat ice cream cones and stroll under the moonlight. This leads to, yes, a moon flashback. The next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch. Man, that was some hardcore ice cream. I hope she had a designated driver. Oh that's right. THE BUS.

10:09 PM
Rachel and Beth walk into the bus drivers' lounge to use the women's room. A fatass named Eugene screams that this lounge is for drivers only. Yeah, when you've got a fancy setup of tables, chairs, and undecorated walls, you've got to keep the riffraff out.

10:12 PM
Rachel and Beth take a ride on Rick's bus -- aka the hunkiest bus route EVER! An obnoxious lady accuses Beth of not having a Zone 1 bus pass. Rick stops the bus, PAs the passengers, and then asks Beth what sort of pass she has. ZONE 1 BABY! In your FACE!

10:13 PM
With the Zone 1 dust settled, Rick gets back to more important things: having eye sex with Rachel through the mirror. Wow. Sparks are flying. I haven't seen this much chemistry since Liza Minelli and David Guest.

Posted by B-side on May 2, 2005 1:27 PM