10:19 PM
While walking on the street, Rachel and her sister are bothered by a sketchy sure-to-be-rapist who gives Beth a stuffed Tweety Bird. Apparently this is some strange guy who always gives such toys to Beth. That's mildly disturbing. Well, I'm sure we'll find out what the deal is with this guy later, right? Right?

10:19 PM
At the laundromat, the two sisters gab about boys. "Will Smith is very hot!" exclaims Beth. "If he was here right now, Rachel, do you know what I'd do to him?" Yes, one of the more unsavory questions this movie poses.

10:24 PM
"Where is Jesse anyway?" asks Rachel while making dinner. We then cut to Jesse inexplicably riding his bike down a dark alley. Odds for a random, West Side Story-ish fight? 2-1. Sure enough, a trio of street toughs pop out of nowhere and jump our slow-witted messenger. Luckily, Jesse is a black belt, and his martial arts moves -- regardless of how slow and limp they look -- send his attackers to the ground.

Doesn't matter what your mental acuity is. Once you go black...

10:29 PM
Beth wants Jesse to spend the night so that she can "take care of him" (instant shivers). Thankfully, Rachel makes the mentally challenged Ralph Maccio stay at his own place. This of course leads to bitterness the next morning as Beth peppers her sister with angry, passive aggressive remarks. We wonder how this will affect their relationship and more importantly, Andy MacDowell's alarmingly large FUPA.

Don't fight the FUPA.

10:31 PM
Rachel and Rick have a romantically uncharged walk over what looks to be a rusty, condemned bridge. She says she's not dating right now. "Just gotta keep putting yourself out there," says Rick, who then suddenly plants a big one on her. Anjelica Huston HATES segueways!

10:33 PM
After her nooner with Rick, Rachel runs into Jesse (seriously, with the rate that people bump into him on the street, he must have a few clones riding around). The messenger turns out to be just that as he delivers a heavy handed message for all us viewers: "My momma taught me that you do your best this day and see what the next day be like. Keep movin' like that." Rachel nods her head and says, "I'm gonna remember that." No you won't, you stupid bitch. That was the most inane piece of advice I've ever heard.

Jesse responds "You can learn a lot in one day." He then suddenly adds, "Okay, bye!" and peddles away as we fade out to commercial. Smooth, Anjelica. VERY SMOOTH!

10:33 PM
The announcer says, "In a moment, the conclusion of 'Riding The Bus With My Sister.'" THANK GOD.

10:34 PM
Another sentimental Hallmark commercial. This time it's about a woman visiting her brother, played by a developmentally disabled actor. Wait a second. This commercial is all wrong. Why isn't the brother yelling nonstop? Why is he cooking for himself? Where's his Tweety Bird shirt? Am I supposed to believe that a mentally challenged person can be calm, resourceful, and well-dressed? Pssshh. I'm stickin' with the brutally authentic Rosie version.

10:40 PM
Rachel returns to her cold, bonsai-laden apartment. Gosh, she really misses her sister. Luckily, Rick is there to give her a call, let her know that Beth misses her. After thirty seconds in NYC, Rachel heads back to Beth-ville. Way to really milk that conflict.

10:40 PM
Rachel finds Beth walking down a staircase with a quiet, less hippo-ish gait. It was Rosie's most difficult scene.

10:41 PM
Time for a makeover! Rachel takes Beth to the beauty salon so she can get a mullet. So long Jesse, hello Ellen!

This is actually just a photo someone took of Rosie at the hair salon.

10:42 PM
Rachel and Beth board a bus where -- SURPRISE! -- the whole gang is there with a birthday cake. It's Beth's birthday, something she reiterates many times by yelling "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" Shoot me now.

10:45 PM
After the big party, Beth eats cake on her bed and cries (I'm sure this is an everyday occurrence for Rosie). This leads to the always appealing hysterectomy flashback. Rachel and her dad corner Beth and tell her that she's got to get the tubes tied. "You could get pregnant if you're not careful," says Rachel. "And everyone knows you're not careful." Whoa, is Beth some sort of slut? Now THAT's interesting!

10:47 PM
With the flashback over, we return to Beth crying with her cake. Rachel tries to cheer her up by tickling her arm rather sensually. Rosie's favorite scene: subtle girl-on-girl action AND cake!

Cake? Feminine groping? This is the role Rosie was born to play!

10:49 PM
Rachel, Beth, Rick, and Jesse all hit the beach where frolicking and laughter ensues. Rachel has a giant smile on her face. Hahahaha! I sterilized my sister! Hahaha!

10:51 PM
Hey, um, this movie only has a few minutes left. Are we gonna wrap up some of those loose ends? You know, like the random pervert or the hippo lady or Eugene or any of those jerks who make fun of Beth? Maybe Rachel can like, I don't know, defend her sister for once?

10:51 PM
Rachel and Beth meet with the social workers again. Fake Chloë Sevigny is back in full form. The workers ask if Beth is still riding the bus. "The bus? The bus is Beth's life!" retorts Rachel. Uh, isn't that what the social workers have been saying all along? Anyway, I immediately brace for the inevitable "She's just a person too" monologue, but it never comes. The social workers just shrug and say okay. BREATHTAKING DRAMA!

Posted by B-side on May 2, 2005 1:27 PM