First, a little background. Apparently in the first hour, the design crew had descended on Tuba City in Arizona to find its lucky family. No, Tuba City was not a musical discount store specializing in brass instruments and German oompa music. It was an actual city -- or town (again, didn't see the first hour) -- where the Piestawa family lived in a trailer. Of course, this is a season finale, which means that this isn't just your normal, run-of-the-mill downtrodden family. The heart and soul of this Native American clan was Lori Piestawa, a soldier who was killed in the Iraq war. Not only that, she was the first female casualty of the war and also the first Native American woman to die in a foreign war. Truly some unfortunate distinctions. But you know, I'm feeling like this just isn't enough. I mean, how can you top that deaf family? I mean, Marlee freakin' Matlin showed up! Oh wait, here we go. Turns out Lori was also the best friend of, you guessed it, JESSICA LYNCH. The only thing that could have made this event any better for Middle America would have been if a Hallmark figurine had suddenly arrived at their doorsteps.

Anyway, Jessica Lynch -- or J. Lyn, as I like to call her -- had made a promise to Lori that if anything were to happen to them, they'd take care of each of their families. And so a two hour season finale was born! Now, in case you don't remember who Jessica Lynch is (you idiot), design team member Constance Ramos was happy to tell us WITH A SMILE: "Jessica and Lori were part of a convoy, and they were ambushed!" Oh wonderful! Let's go have a daiquiri!

Later, we found Constance pouring through a truck of gifts, knickknacks, and cards -- all given in the memory of Lori. You see, Constance was in charge of creating the Lori room in the house. "I think I found one of the focal points of our room," she said, holding up a tacky airbrushed picture of Lori, a flag, an eagle, a headdress, and clouds. Hey, did Constance steal that from the McDonald's in Barstow? I swear I saw that hanging by the Men's room. Yeah, this was going to be a classy affair.

Meanwhile at Disney World, the Piestawa family were having the time of their lives. Man, they seemed really sweet. Oh, and look, the daughter is so cute in her princess outfit. Well, Ty Pennington had quite the surprise for them. "I know how much Carla is into princesses, and I wanted to give her a dream come true," he said. Oh, that's right. I forgot that Ty is just the bestest guy in the world whose heart is so big, he just has to give back whenever he can (or when the producers tell him to). Well, Ty got on the cell phone and told young Carla that he had something special for her. Sure enough, Cinderella and Prince Charming (or "the little prince guy" as Ty called him) showed up and gave the young girl a big hug. Yes, Ty, way to go. I'm sure no other little girls ever get to meet Cinderella in Disney World. Next you're going to tell me they're going to meet Mickey Mouse. Now that would be really impressive!

The show then paused to give us one of those knee-slapping comedic moments. You see, "In Arizona, there are two constants: sun and wind," explained Ty. As a result, the design team attached solar panels and a windmill to the house, but which one would provide more energy?? I was dying to know! Well, Ty and Paul DiMeo had a rolicking good time battling it out in a bit that must have had Candace in Omaha lying in stitches. In the end, Paul declared, "I got him good!" Yes, you did! That comparative energy source comedy is always killer!

Of course, Ty was able to demonstrate how in the end, it's not about helping a family, it's about reminding us how awesome he and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition are. Apparently, solar panels and a windmill have never been used in tandem in the state before, leading Ty to say, "It's the first time ever in Arizona, and I'm just glad we can be a part of that." All you did was hook up solar panels and a stupid windmill! You didn't end Apartheid! Then again, I never did get around to seeing "Extreme Makeover: 20th Century South African Policy Edition."

Posted by B-side on May 24, 2005 7:29 PM