Now, the Piestawa family was getting a new home in Flagstaff, but back in Tuba City, the design team decided to erect a meeting place for the local Navajo and Hopi war veterans. Unfortunately, they only came up with the idea with about three days to go, which meant this very special place would basically be... a prefabricated home. Well, something's better than nothing, right? Well, to show how wonderful a corporation they were, Sear showed up with a truck full of merchandise to donate to the center and the entire reservation as a whole. And look, here's the driver hopping out of the truck! Wait a second, it's just a corporate rep dressed up like one of the common folk. "He's just like us. Sears is my favorite! Now pass the Cheetos, Bobby Dale," commented Crystal in West Virginia.

Hey, how did folksy Sears executive know to come? "I called the guys at Sears," boasted Ty. Man, Ty is such a saint. HE called the guys at Sears! You would have thought the producers would arrange that, but no, Ty just takes care of it all himself! Man, I won't take back much from this show, but at least I'll always remember what a wonderful, genuine person Ty Pennington is.

Anyway, Sears announced that it would be outfitting the entire reservation with new clothing. Hey, that's actually pretty generous. So congratulations Tuba City! Enjoy a new wardrobe of ugly, poorly made clothes!

The next morning, Jessica Lynch showed up with a box of Lori's items she had kept. Ty told us that she hadn't been able to part with them, but luckily, the design team had made her feel ready to give them back to the family. Aw, design team. You are just wonderful. You should pat yourselves on the back one last time. You deserve it. By the way, if anyone doubts how wonderful the design team is, just ask them. They'll agree.

Jessica Lynch handed over an old comforter which Constance immediately caressed with her hands in a lame attempt to form some sort of a connection with Lori. We then moved back to Tuba City for the grand opening of the veterans center. Dreamboat Preston Sharp became wistful as he noted how the memories and voices of the ancestors carry on the wind, and as the ceremony began, "the wind arrived with the veterans." Uh, according to Ty, the wind is a constant in Arizona, so should we be really impressed with this "coincidence"? Yeah, I thought so. Sit down, PRESTON.

But Preston wasn't the only one getting all emotional about the wind. Ty tried desperately to put his sad face on as he said, "I've never seen winds like I've seen out here." This just in: Ty has apparently never seen winds at all. Oooh - the flags are flapping: UNBELIEVABLE! Let's not blow his mind with a hurricane or a tornado.

Well, just when this segment was making us meditate about the losses of the Native American community and their contributions to wars, Preston was back to remind that, hello, this is about Extreme Makeover, not some old Indians. "Any Native American war veteran that's served has always had to go somewhere else, a hotel or something, to have their conventions or gatherings. Now they finally have one place." A modular home! How wonderful! Hey, pat yourself on the back again, Preston!

Soon it was time for the ribbon-cutting ceremony, and guess who performed the honors? One of the vets? No. Jessica Lynch? No. Someone remotely connected to any sort of military conflict? No. Instead, it was Ty Pennington, a.k.a. the ranking officer of the douchebag army. Seriously, just go away.

As everyone shuffled in, Preston once again attempted to recapture the Most Self-Congratulatory Award from Ty. "It was one of our best efforts!" he exclaimed proudly, adding "Sometimes I just think we might be Jesus."

The English construction guy, Ed, soon came on screen with a certain "Aw shucks, blimey!" attitude. Some guy gave him an Iraqi dollar with the signatures of all his friends who had returned safely from the war. The gift profoundly moved Ed who immediately turned to the camera to explain how bloody emotional this all was. Later, in an interview, he said of the mysterious man, "And he was gone. As soon as he was there, he was gone." Well, maybe if you hadn't suddenly started talking to the camera, you would have seen him walk away dejectedly, you dumbass.

But anyway, congratulations veterans. You now have a meeting place built with all the attention and care that a three-day rush job can provide. Okay, okay, it actually looked really nice. I just don't want to give the design team the satisfaction that they did something good.

Back at the Piestawa house, a team of Lego experts were assembling Lego furniture for the little boy's Lego room. "I've never seen such cool structures made by so many, you know, really caring people," gushed Ty, who had previously boasted about how HE recruited them. So basically, we have Ty to thank for all those "really caring people." You're the best, Ty! NOW DIE.

Coming onto the screen next was resident gay superstar Michael Maloney whose latest task was to design a playroom. "I've always wanted to do one of those ball pits!" he exclaimed, paving the way for all sorts of dirty jokes. I think it was his way of quietly infusing the gay subculture into Middle America, kind of like the Village People and "YMCA".

Posted by B-side on May 24, 2005 7:29 PM