Flying The Friendly Skies - 
by B-side
Because I'm on a transcontinental JetBlue flight and because I have nothing better to do, I've decided to whip out the ol' TVgasm laptop and liveblog all the fun. So far, the televised offerings have been pretty sweet. A Wilfred Brimley ad here, a Mandy Patinkin ad there. I can't even imagine what the afternoon has in store for me. Hopefully it will bring respite from the hyper rumpus room that is this flight (there are so many loud, annoying kids on this plane, I think I'm gonna strain my neck from all the passive aggressive stares I've been hurling at the parents). But anyway, let's accentuate the positive: TV on an airplane! Yay!
11:44 AM
Okay, I've been watching TV for about an hour now (lengthy delay on the tarmac), but only now have I finally been able to bust out the laptop. Can't wait. I've really wanted to make fun of Matlock on TV Land for a while now. Eh, I can do better. Let's see what else is on.
11:45 AM
Bravo - Blow Out. This show is ridiculous. In a good way. First of all, Jonathan is in therapy talking about seeing "a new girl." And by "new girl", he mans "burly man with a mustache."
11:47 AM
Jonathan lounges in bed with his girlfriend. I forget her name, but I think it's "Beard." Hey, he has the same Ikea bowls as me. I feel honored.
11:48 AM
Stupid Kimberly Caldwell is grasping for her 15th minute of fame as she enters the salon to get her nasty bleached hair fixed. She's quite lucky. After all, everyone's been comparing Jonathan to Van Gogh for the past hour. Does this mean he'll be cutting off a body part? I hope so. I'm thinking... head?
11:50 AM
Hey parents. SHUT YOUR KIDS UP.
11:50 AM
Ooh, we're at 35,000 feet and over Las Vegas. Okay, be quiet pilot and let me watch TV.
11:52 AM
ESPN - Bowling Night. Semi-finals. Inferno host Dave Mirra bowls with Terrell Owens, Damon Jones, Willis McGahee, and Dwayne Wade. Remind me again why he wastes time with The Miz and Veronica?
11:54 AM
T.O. gets a strike. Exactly which sport can't he kick ass at?
11:56 AM
BBCA - Ah, inaccessible British comedy. That's right, Are You Being Served?. Or is it Have You Been Served?. I'm hoping that Dame Judi Dench shows up again soon. I caught her briefly about forty five minutes ago and have had an erection ever since.
11:58 AM
Mariah's on MTV crooning "We Belong Together." Eric Roberts looks on sadly as the diva runs off with the guy from Prison Break. Why is Eric Roberts in every single music video these days?
12:00 PM
Uh, here comes Real World: Austin. Been there, done that.
12:00 PM
Surreal Life preview. Very very excited about this next season. So many great washed up stars. Oooh, and like T.O., they're bowling too! With mentally challenged kids! Ah, and here's the famous Omarosa/Janice Dickenson fight. This is going to be amazing. Who is Caprice, by the way?
12:03 PM
Omarosa and Janice are still going at it. "You're the one who begged me for an apology, BITCH!" screams Janice. Sunday can't come soon enough.
12:05 PM
Okay, Sharon the flight attendant is here with my tasty beverage. Must put the laptop away momentarily.
12:05 PM
Ooooh, Sharon with the fakeout. No beverage yet. Speaking of food and drinks, let's check out the Food Network. That greasy chef from Kitchen 911 is on right now. I must have just missed Rachel Ray. Earlier, my new favorite Food Channel vixen was on. I don't know her name, but I think it's Giada. You know the one. She hosts Everyday Italian. She's got an oversized Natalie Portman head and little skinny arms. Yeah, she's a sexy bitch.
12:08 PM
Why Mandy Patinkin, so nice to see you again. Tell me more about cholesterol.
12:09 PM
Nickelodeon -- Jimmy Neutron. This shit is creepy. America's youth is doomed.
12:10 PM
GSN -- Lingo! My fave! Best modern gameshow. It even has a stupid British woman at a computer who does nothing but fake type. That's pretty awesome. WAIT A SECOND! I know one of the contestants!!! Jessica!!! HA!!!
12:17 PM
Jessica just got the correct word. Way to go! But her partner Scott pulled a red lingo ball. Douchebag.
12:18 PM
Chuck Woolery has Atkins-ed off all his portly charm. I think he needs to make a Love Connection with some pizza. Zing!
12:19 PM
Another correct word for Jessica! Time for Stacy the British girl to do her job and say, "And here we go!" WELL DONE, STACY!
12:23 PM
It's official: Jessica's going to the bonus round. Oh, and my chocolate chip cookie has arrived.
12:25 PM
Match Game is coming up next, which would be appropriate because the guy next to me is wearing a red kerchief around his neck like frequent panelist, Charles Nelson Reilly.
12:26 PM
Bonus round is on: Jessica is way better than her partner. I especially like that she just said "Crack."
12:28 PM
Victory! Jessica just won several thousand dollars. And heeeere's Stacy! I love how she just comes out of nowhere and nestles into Chuck Woolery's bosom. Well, that's it for Lingo. Ah, but apparently Jessica is in some Lingo Tournament of Champions. Exciting.
12:31 PM
Match Game is on, and as expected, Charles Nelson Reilly (a.k.a. the guy next to me) is on the panel.
12:33 PM
FX -- I don't know what the hell this is, but about five people including Robin Tunney are falling off a mountainside. Hmmm... Chris O'Donnell's part of this chaos as well. Must be Vertical Horizon. Actually, that's a band, isn't it? Is it Vertical Limit? I don't know, but this scene is so obviously shot on a soundstage. Those indoor echoes kind of tip me off.
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