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Heart and Soul (Patch) - TVgasm

by J-Unit

conviction_balfour

If you have watched NBC at all since the beginning of the month, you have probably seen a commercial for Conviction, a new show by the creators of Law and Order that promises to follow the lives of young district attorneys in New York. I have no opinion on the show, but I noticed that it stars Eric Balfour, a middling actor who so far is known for some guest roles, the early cancellation of series in which he is a regular cast member, and perhaps the most annoying goatee/moustache/soul patch combination on the face of the planet. I am not sure if he has some horrible scar he is trying to hide, or if he lost a bet with a friend who told him to paste some rat hair on his face until he turns 30, but this guy needs a new schtick. Yes, I know he used to DJ, and he is in a band, but just because you might be a bad ass off screen doesn't mean you have to bring that persona and the facial hair to match to EVERY ROLE YOU DO. We think Eric Balfour needs a new trademark, and we would like to present exhibits A through L to you, the jury. We here at the offices of Gasm and Gasm think we have a pretty good case. See it all after the jump.
balfour_BuffyEric Balfour actually starred in the premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Notice that he doesn't really look that bad cleanly shaven. He was promptly turned into a vampire and then killed, which may have prompted him to make a change so it wouldn't happen again.
balfour_canthardlywaitEric didn't have the complete rat look going when filming Can't Hardly Wait, but here you can see that he is starting to grow in his sideburns. We were so distracted by Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts that we didn't foresee the horror that was about to come.
balfour_scrapbookHere is Eric in Scrapbook. The sideburns allowed him to move up from second hand player in teen coming-of-age comedies to a starring role opposite of the nephew of Robert Urich. That's progress, folks!
balfour_womenwantAfter that weighty role in Scrapbook, Eric started to get noticed for roles in films with bigger budgets and bigger actors. Here he is courting Mel Gibson's daughter in What Women Want. He is supposed to be a bad boy, and decides that he is going to fully live out his dream of becoming the next Pat Morita. Or at least the next Pat Morita's chin.
balfour_24A lot of you probably recognize Eric from when he played Milo on 24. I know CTU is young and hip and everything, but I thought there was room for only one soul patch in the office, and as we know, that belongs to Tony Almeida. Whatever the case, Eric decided that if Johnny Depp could do pubes on the face, so could he.
balfour_sixfeetEric had a recurring role on Six Feet Under. Here he displays a neatly trimmed face and shaved head. I guess he wants you to forget that he was a DJ at a place called La Poubelle.
balfour_secondhandHere is Eric in Second Hand Lions. Look how happy he is! You would be too if you just scored a role in a movie with Haley Joel Osment AND Kyra Sedgwick.
balfou_chainsawThis is from the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Not as good as Haley Joel Osment, but he did get to be on the set while Jessica Biel was running around and sweating in that tank top. Any hope of him losing the goatee after three years of success is down the drain.
balfour_ocEric played Eddie on The OC. Here, Ryan Atwood wishes he could grow the kind of manly facial hair that can land you roles in America's Sweethearts and Veritas: The Quest.
balfour_hawaiiAnybody remember that short-lived TV show Hawaii on NBC? Neither do I, but Eric was ready with the rat man chu when they came calling.
balfou_liewithmeIn 2005 came another movie role in Lie With Me, featuring plenty of love scenes. Usually actors like to get waxed before people see them naked and frolicking in bed, but I guess Eric forgot. His co-star, Lauren Lee Smith was so impressed with him, she decided to stop having sex with men on camera and joined the cast of The L Word.
balfour_sexlovesecretsI guess we shouldn't blame Eric's goatee for the demise of Sex, Love & Secrets, but did he think adding a couple of earrings and that stupid hat would make him worthy of Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds? Idiot.

I think we should remember the words of that famous lawyer who said, "If the facial hair looks like shit, you must convict." Eric, we find you guilty of numerous counts of sucking in the first degree.


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Posted by J-Unit on February 13, 2006 9:20 AM

Comments

Wow, you really did some research on this. Good job J-Unit! Those pictures are too funny :) I did see the commercials for Conviction, only because I watch the Olympics. It's somewhat sad though; they only flash Eric's face for less than a second... Probably because of his luck with long running tv shows or long lasting roles on tv.

Posted by: stacyrocks [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 9:56 AM(#1 of 11)

That Hawaii show was a total rip-off of all the CSI shows out there, just in a prettier setting...

Posted by: jenny10girl [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 9:59 AM(#2 of 11)

His face is so oddly proportioned I always thought he was some sort of puppet.

Posted by: EdHill [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 10:20 AM(#3 of 11)

aaahhhh buffy, i miss those days...

i think the chin pubes from his run on 24 are the worst

well junit, you have me convinced, much better without the facial hair

Posted by: hardly@work [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 10:44 AM(#4 of 11)

In a "so obvious that that it had to be done" type of casting. Balfour played a young and hip devil tempting a car driver in one of those car commercials where they do incredibly fast driving and other stunts then tell you you can't do that yourself.

Posted by: jmchez [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 11:37 AM(#5 of 11)

J-Unit, my friend, this is very entertaining, but if you have so much time on your hands, where is the Smallville recap. I'm not sure where your Lanaesque hatred of Eric Balfour comes from, but I do agree he looks much better without the facial hair. I remember Hawaii, because it starred Michael Biehn who I have a deep and abiding love for.

Posted by: Victoria [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 12:37 PM(#6 of 11)

Puppet indeed. He is Bert. Cohort and straight-man to Ernie.

Posted by: Lizardqueen [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 4:24 PM(#7 of 11)

LQ, Bert isn't a poseur!

J-Unit, thanks for this post; I've been contending this about the guy for years against all the girls who think the face pubes make him kyuuuuuuuuute omg! Just makes his enormous schnoz look bigger.

Posted by: lurkertype [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 13, 2006 11:08 PM(#8 of 11)

If you had seen LIE WITH ME you should have at least mentioned that the audience is treated to more than a few closeups of Eric's erect trouser trunk.

Posted by: Jeffrey Boam's Doctor [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 14, 2006 3:14 AM(#9 of 11)

His trouser trunk? You mean you get to see his donger? Honey, let me see it. That boy is FOYNE! FOYNE!

Posted by: ClariceStarling [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 14, 2006 9:12 AM(#10 of 11)

Big nose- big schlong? Maybe that's why the pubes are on his face. Not enough room on his crotch b/c of his huge schlonginess! LOL

Posted by: zoobabe [TypeKey Profile Page] | February 14, 2006 6:42 PM(#11 of 11)