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Newsgasm: Year 2030 Edition - TVgasm

by madeyoulaugh

SuriCruise.jpgFirst Daughter Suri Cruise checked herself into rehab this morning.

This is just the most recent in a series of publicized stumbles for the first family's only child. You'll remember in 2023 her brief engagement to Sean Preston Federline was cut short under mysterious circumstances when Sean Preston, while on a Scientology retreat, vanished in the woods in what Xenuian authorities called a tragic bear attack.

She entered the spotlight again in January 2024 when it was reported she was performing a sex act on Senator Lachey during the Scientological National Convention officially announcing the party's nomination of her father for the presidential race.

She was again scrutinized for being present during the mysterious death of Apple Paltrow Martin in 2026, the official cause of which was listed as autoerotic asphyxiation.

Recently she had come under attack by her own family after she announced a scathing tell-all book Cruising Through Life, whose complete title is purported to be Cruising Through Life: The Average American Story of a Gay Dad, Bought Mom, and Test Tube Baby.

Suri’s current beau, Corey Haim, spoke to the press, stating, “Please give her the privacy she needs right now to get well in these trying times. She asked that I apologize on her behalf to her friends and fans and wants you all to know she is very Suri… hahaha… see what I did there? I’m so funny! America please don’t forget me!”

It comes as little surprise that there has been no comment from the first lady, as no one has heard her speak since 2005.

More as this story continues to break.


| Discuss In Our Forums

Posted by madeyoulaugh on April 19, 2006 11:30 AM

Comments

Oh my God that was too funny. Xenuian authorities huh? Cute. I can already tell this poor kid is going to have a very public life.

Posted by: palmtree [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 11:42 AM(#1 of 25)

That was freakin hilarious!!! It was also nice to see a 80's star thrown in there!!
RIP Corey Haim’s career! Lost boys forever!!! j/k. If that is the future then I am terrified!!!

Posted by: niqui [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 11:57 AM(#2 of 25)

Suddenly Sean Preston Federline's upbringing seems normal.

Posted by: BigMax [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 12:00 PM(#3 of 25)

Speaking of dumb celebrity babies, here's an amusing article by the New York Times about celeb baby names. My favorite is Shannyn Sossamon's child, "Audio Science."

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/16/fashion/sundaystyles/16NAMES.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Posted by: B-Side [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 12:04 PM(#4 of 25)

That poor kid- imagine what she will have to endure in life. But hopefully, the fact that she will live a very sheltered existence may work in her favor.

Posted by: mentos [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 12:26 PM(#5 of 25)

Loved Suri's newsgasm.....absolutely hilarious. what the hell is wrong with celebs anyway? why all the stupid names?

Posted by: RandomK [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:39 PM(#6 of 25)

I am probably the only person in the world... but I must admit, I like the name.

Posted by: derder [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:48 PM(#7 of 25)

Derder,

Suri isnt a name...its a Canadian apology.

MYL

Posted by: Madeyoulaugh [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:51 PM(#8 of 25)

That was freakin hilarious.
Check this site out, it has some post about the name Suri and its meaning http://defamer.com/

Posted by: Vasha [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:55 PM(#9 of 25)

MYL you are too much.

Posted by: Vasha [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:57 PM(#10 of 25)

Come on, now- it's kind of a cool name... even if Tom Cruise chose it. Suri... say it a couple of times. Okay, your right- it does sound like a canadian apology.

Posted by: derder [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:58 PM(#11 of 25)

What about Maddox and Zathura Jolie-Pitt? Predictions for them are they both become raging drug addicts. Maddox is a male prostitute and Zathura will be a little bit Paris Hilton and a little bit the girl from different strokes who died. Living in the shadows of The Soon to be Born Jolie-Pitt Baby is gonna be rough of those youngsters.

Also, hot use of Corey Haim. Such a wasted life!

Posted by: B-Side is My Soul Mate [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 1:58 PM(#12 of 25)

LOL, Zathura is a movie. Zahara is the name, but I agree with everthing you said. I guess i'm the only one who kind of like Maddox.

Posted by: Vasha [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 2:04 PM(#13 of 25)

Vasha, Maddox does rock. :)

Madeyoulaugh, that was too funny. And 'Senator Lachey', huh? High hopes for the man, I see!

Posted by: stacyrocks [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 2:09 PM(#14 of 25)

I can't get this song out of my head..."Surrey With The Fringe On Top"...

hb

Posted by: HoneyBunny [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 2:35 PM(#15 of 25)

HB,

"Ducks and Geese and Mice Better Scurry. When I Take You Out In Mi-Suri."


MYL

Posted by: Madeyoulaugh [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 2:46 PM(#16 of 25)

Ahh, Corey Haim, you'll just never give up will you?

About 8 years ago, I was managing a movie theatre here in LA and a man came out of "Very Bad Things" with his girlfriend asking for a refund because the movie was just so appalling and upsetting to him and to her. But, before telling all of this to me, he said, "Hi. I'm Corey Haim. My girlfriend and I..."

I found it so precious/obnoxious that he thought using his name before asking for a refund would somehow help him with his case. Seriously, dude, if you want your money back for this movie, how about finding a way to give me back the two hours of my life spent watching "License to Drive" back in the 80s?

Good to see he's still hanging on to hope of his name being "out there" in the year 2030.

Posted by: mikey [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 3:36 PM(#17 of 25)

hell mikey- I would have given him his money back! The "Lost Boys" was worth that- right?

Posted by: zoobabe [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 4:52 PM(#18 of 25)

Last night, as I was walking home, it started to hail here in Korea. Hail in the middle of spring? Huh?

I got a little nervous that maybe Suri's birth was, in fact, the Seventh Sign.

Posted by: Shelton Bumgarner [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 19, 2006 6:05 PM(#19 of 25)

Hey, "License to Drive" was a quality movie!!

I think Suri and Sean P. would be a perfect couple....though Suri and Maddox would be an interesting pairing as well.....

Posted by: KateMcV [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 20, 2006 9:26 AM(#20 of 25)

I say Suri and Brooke Shields' new daughter as the hot lesbian couple of the 2030s.

Posted by: flymotha [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 20, 2006 2:04 PM(#21 of 25)

Ah autoerotic asphyxiation; so classy, so underappreciated.

I applaud the future Suri for homicidal creativity.

Posted by: BethW [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 20, 2006 4:18 PM(#22 of 25)

this is a very crude web site, is howard stern the author?? Making up BAD comments about people what does that do to ones ego?
I would like a personal reply if one would like to LilDogee66@aol.com

Posted by: SHARON [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 22, 2006 4:39 PM(#23 of 25)

hey SHARON- it's what we do here. Like it, love it, or leave it- it's your choice. That's my personal reply.

Posted by: zoobabe [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 23, 2006 9:31 PM(#24 of 25)

Sharon,
Is that you, Mom?

Posted by: derder [TypeKey Profile Page] | April 25, 2006 4:29 PM(#25 of 25)