Recap: Nip/Tuck: The Ghosts of Seasons Past
Those of us Nip/Tuck watchers who are thankful that the Carver is a thing of the past, yet confounded by this show's inability to cohesively move current plot strands along in a timely manner, are not going to be too pleased with this week's episode. For some reason there has been a continuing a misbegotten trend of returning former storylines (and by former I mean storylines that concluded three years ago) to the front line. Ever wondered what happened to Dr. Meryl Bobolit or Drug Kingpin Escobar (not just a figment of Sean's imagination anymore)? Well, then this ep is for you. But, if you're like me, and thought that those storylines ended quite satisfactorily when they first aired, you'll be annoyed. VERY VERY ANNOYED. Ehh, at least Kimber was in this one...
What is up with the return of the Nip/Tuck Season 1 guest stars? First we had Manny Ramirez - I mean drug dealer Escobar and Sean's ex-lover Megan showing up as Sean's conscience while he was grappling with psycho-nanny Monica. Now it's time for the return of Plastic Surgery addict, Mrs. Grubman. You remember her? She had all sorts of entanglements with Christian, including blackmailing him into the boudoir. Even better she looks like the bastard love child of Vicki Lewis and the teacher from 
Here we are. Remember after the season premiere of Nip/Tuck how angry I was about Christian giving it to his therapist, Dr. Faith, in a painful doggy style banging. Why would an educated, successful, beautiful, professional PSYCHATRIST take it from behind from this slimeball? Well, after weeks of not hearing from the moronic Dr. Faith, she's back this week, with an explaination of her inexplicable behavior. And while I give the writers a big yippey-ka-yah for not dropping the plot point entirely, their explaination is very... ehh. But don't worry for those of you watching/drinking along, there's plenty else to concern yourself with. First sign of a great episode, no Hello Kitty Jackson. Second, it starts with Christian gay dream sequence. Rev up your engine's and get out your flasks. It's going to be a messy ride. 
So, yeah I suck. It's been a hectic couple of weeks, and getting to my recaps has been harder than staying away from our teenage TVgasm Pages. But here I am now back and better than ever! Did we miss a detailed gory recount of Melissa Gilbert having sex with her dog? Yes, and I may never forgive myself for losing out on all the Michael Landon Bestiality jokes. But I suppose we'll all have to move on... some how... some day. On the bright side, while we lost out on shitting on the memory of one of television's most honored and adored stars, we got to see Rosie O'Donnell's ass - something, I for one, thought I would only get to see in my wildest, dirtiest dreams. So let's put the past behind us, and move forward. Rosie's ass would want it that way.
Wow. So last week the comments on my recap for Nip/Tuck were pretty much even divided between those of you who loathe my take on the show, and those who like it. Most distressing of all were those of you whose comments neither stroke nor bruise my ego, suggesting that perhaps. I do, in fact, like this show. If I didn't I wouldn't be spending hours a wekk recapping it. But like that younger cousin everyone has who has started to go down the wrong path, I just want more for this show than to be the butt of my constant jokes. If I wanted to write a recap about a show I didn't like you'd be reading a really scathing 7th Heaven recap every week. 
I was lucky that I didn't have to watch this week's Nip/Tuck alone. Despite the company of my friend, and eternal Nip/Tuck optimist, Doreen, the company I'm talking about is my good ol' buddy Johnny Walker. After watching the previews, I realized that I'd need my huge bottle of Jack to get through the entirety of this episode. Now, before you light up the comments (yes, I'm talking to YOU, James Leer), it is not because the episode is particularly bad (in fact, with the reemergence of Kimber, some nice twists and only one Christian ass shot, it was a marked improvement over the season premiere), but because of the soon-to-be-copywrited "Nipped in your Bud: Is Christian Gay?" Drinking Game. I saw that Richard Chamberlain was going to be in this episode, and that was enough to know that I'd need to stock up on liquor in order to be able to take a shot every time they made an allusion to Christian's sexuality. And while this is no longer the best or most shocking show on television, any show where I can reference classic 80's porn, Body Heat and Beetlejuice in the same recap is okay with me. So let's see how drunk Umnata can get!?!?!
Oh crappy television, how I've missed thee! After a long summer struggling to recap quality, well-written, strongly acted shows, Entourage and Rescue Me, I'm all but saved by the return of Nip/Tuck. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of this show - but like so many fans, I believe, I feel that there is a line drawn in the sand: Pre-Carver Nip/Tuck and Post-Carver Nip/Tuck. Seasons 1 & 2, while not short on over-the-top antics, brought the drama, the satire and the shock value, making the show true guilt pleasure, light on the guilty. And then came the Carver. The Carver was a serial rapist who gave his victims a permanent knife-carved smile to remember him by, who ended up being the one character eveyone guessed it was: New Doctor in Town, the penis-less wonder, Quentin Costa. During season 3, this show went from buzz-worthy to buzz-kill so fast that it would've made Cousin Oliver, Milo Rambaldi and Betty Applewhite's heads spin. Season 3 was such a mess in fact, that before I joined the 'gasm, I swore that I wouldn't even give the show a chance this season. It's like trying to get back into a relationship that was really great after your girlfriend has cheated on you. You're making out, all is forgiven, rounding second, heading for third and BAM, you see a vision of the guy she screwed behind your back. Or in this case, The Carver. Some memories, like incest prone Quentin or Matt getting peed on, are just too hard to forget. However, in this post-TVgasm chapter of Umnata's life, and through the urging of many in the forums, I've decided to stick with Nip/Tuck for the season, and either regale it for its creative comeback or shred it for continuing it's insipid, mind numbing lameness. So far it's looking 75/25 in favor of Team Lame. Find out why, after the jump.