Dr. Faith's Blue Lagoon of Madness - 
by Umnata
Here we are. Remember after the season premiere of Nip/Tuck how angry I was about Christian giving it to his therapist, Dr. Faith, in a painful doggy style banging. Why would an educated, successful, beautiful, professional PSYCHATRIST take it from behind from this slimeball? Well, after weeks of not hearing from the moronic Dr. Faith, she's back this week, with an explaination of her inexplicable behavior. And while I give the writers a big yippey-ka-yah for not dropping the plot point entirely, their explaination is very... ehh. But don't worry for those of you watching/drinking along, there's plenty else to concern yourself with. First sign of a great episode, no Hello Kitty Jackson. Second, it starts with Christian gay dream sequence. Rev up your engine's and get out your flasks. It's going to be a messy ride.
Oy. Get out your flask. Christian and Sean in robes (DRINK), walking around in Speedos (DRINK) at a spa filled with Manazons (DRINK). Ohhhhh, it's a dream. I hope it's a dream. Please let this be a dream. Sean is complaining on their chez-lounges about this lifestyle not being for him. To make it easier for anyone playing along on the Is he or Isn't He drinking game how about we just all drink until the opening credits? Christian explains to Sean that it's not the man-on-man action that's got him down it's his gross, hairy chest.
This somehow leads to Christian trying to talk Sean out of a literal closet, as they are being followed by the aforementioned beefed up greased down Manazons. The whole dream sequence thing is confirmed as Sean's chest waxing turns ugly and the new Ace and Gary end up in the surgical room with Sean on the operating table as Kimber and Michelle stand by. Sean is flat lining and the only thing that will save him is CPR from Christian. Wouldn't' getting kissed by Christian actually lead to more problems? Like Herpes? Just as Christian is about to give Sean the "kiss of life" he wakes up in a panic. But wait! Who is that in the bed next to him? It's Sean!?!?! The two are about to totally tongue each other down, but then Christian wakes up again. Ahh. The old dream within a dream trick. Clever.
At Sean's house with Julia (where he is currently not gay), the newly remarried couple is discussing their 2nd honeymoon, which will consists of some time away from their lobster baby, Sebastian, Demon Seed daughter Annie and Hello Kitty/Michael Jackson Hybrid/Scientologist son, Matt. However, Julia is questioning whether they are good parents or not for leaving Sebastian so soon after he was hatched. Umm, Julia, please reread the previous paragraph. Leaving your lobster baby home in his tank is the thing that LEAST makes you a bad parent. Regardless, Sean is completely confident in Peter Dinklage's Manny abilities. That is until he comes down with a bad case of what my friend Michelle calls the one-twos. That's right, the Manny has the doodies!
At the office, Lez is back with only one kidney, but still the same amount of spunk. Hopefully, she'll end up just like the last one-kidneyed wonder in my life, Shelby - DEAD with Sally Field crying at her grave about her hair looking like a Brown Football helmet (and yes, that is the MANLIEST Steel Magnolias reference you are going to ever hear).
Christian is pleased to see Lez (is anyone ever pleased to SEE Lez - gross), but not pleased about Sean's fagtastic choice in music for the surgery. That's right, it's Macho Men by The Village People. It's a little obvious - I mean what's next Barbra Streisand records? A little cliché, no? - but its funny watching Christian squirm. CHRISTIAN PERFERS YMCA - DRINK!
Sean doesn't much care which iconic gay band Christian likes or dislikes, what Sean wants to know is how Christian could be so stupid as to bed their bosses wife. It seems Sean pulled his head out of his own ass long enough to notice that Christian is laying the pipe down for Michelle. Christian doesn't appreciate being called out on his affairs in the OR so he takes this opportunity to lay Sean's shit bare about banging the Night Nurse. They start getting into a fight that culminates with Christian screaming: "But Daddy I love him!" Sorry, I just bought the new Little Mermaid DVD for my little cousin - what Christian really says is that he has strong feelings for Michelle. Lez advises them to both shut up as Landau, the man who is both married to Michelle and owns Christian and Sean,has just walked up to the OR.
Luckily, since Landau is played by Larry Hagman and thus older than dirt, he doesn't overhear Christian's professions of love towards his wife. Landau has a new problem, one that is similar to the one that Kevin Federline has and that I endured from 7th - 10th grade - an erection that won't go away. It seems that Landau purchased one of those penis pumps that seem so important in your Junk E-mail folder. Problem is he got over pumped and now can't get the device off his hog. Old man hog has got to be the grossest. Christian, presumably familiar with this particular predicament, gives him some ice to dull the erection and the pump pops right off. The erection, on the other hand, just won't die, so he heads down the hall to Michelle's office, and lets her take care of it, much to the chagrin of Christian.
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