Dawn Budge and the Case of the Missing Ear - 
by Umnata
We traded out Dr. Faith and her Blue Lagoon of Madness for an extra helping of Rosie O'Donnell chewing up the scenery as Dawn Budge this week on Nip/Tuck. But is it the better of two evils? The jury's still out, but you let me know. The real important issues in this episode are, however, the growth of the Kimber/Matt/Christian love triangle of insanity. Let's just say two, count them, two much anticipated events in the development of that particular storyline took place tonight, with delightful results. In other news, Sean totally and unequivocally sucks ass. Find out why after the jump!
This week's pro bono case is brought to you by Nair. Yuppers, Christian and Sean are working on someone who looks like she has a bad case of Teen Wolf-itis, which worked wonders for both Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman, so how bad could it be? Totally unrelated to the Lupine-like patient, Lez starts getting hot and dizzy. I expect this to mean that we're supposed to believe that lesbians also suffer from Menopause. Yeah, right. How stupid do I look!?!?!
After Lez passes out, not from lack of activity in her nether regions, but rather from acute yougotyourkidneystolenbyahookerandpossiblyyourbossandnowcantfunctionproperlylikeshelbyinsteelmagnolias syndrome. Seriously, that's what the doctor called it. The only way to remedy this is to start dialysis followed by a kidney transplant. The doctor asks Lez if she has any family who would be willing to donate a kidney to her, but since Lez is super annoying she offers up a no-ski. Not to worry, because Lez is only 62,342nd in line for a new kidney, so she should be off the dialysis in no time! This is totally acceptable to Sean, but not to Christian. He offers up his and Sean's kidneys for testing to see if they are a match with Lez. You immediately get the impression that Sean isn't too pleased about this.
It seems the Christian and Michelle banging for Burt nonsense is still going on, as Christian is giving it to Michelle doggy style over a table with creepy old Burt looking on. How romantic. But even scumbags as scummy as Christian have their limits. He announces that he's "done playing dildo." Ugh. If only he used the word "dildo" in a different context; I could really use a drink...
Christian leaves, but Michelle follows him. He wants her to leave Burt, but she can't because she already has too much invested in him. She vows to never go hungry again! No, wait. She vows to never belong to another man. That's it. Michelle tells Christian that she'll figure a way to get them out of this. "I'm nobody's whore," Christian announces to Michelle. Are you nobody's whore? Or everybody's whore? Just a thought.
Sadly, Dawn Budge is back. Yes, I realize that I was a fan in her fist outing, but now I'm sort of starting to feel like Dawn and Rosie are both starting to wear out their welcome. Too bad for me, as Rosie just signed on to do a spin-off starring Dawn. Maybe once she's on her own show, Rosie will tone it down just a tad. It seems Dawn's problem this week was an ear jacking. What, you've never heard of an ear jacking? I hear they are all the rage now. It seems Dawn was out buying some icy earrings to soothe the pain of losing her husband to her daughter, when a thief came by on a motorcycle armed with a switchblade and cut her ear right off. I was half expecting the helmeted bikers to reveal themselves as Michelle & Jackie B., but no such luck.
Sean and Christian lay out all the possibilities for Dawn, but none are conducive to her plan of landing her own Steadman in one year. I guess I'd be way more into that plan if I actually believed Steadman existed. I'm on to you, Oprah! Sean then explains a more radical procedure of going to a genetics lab and having a new ear grown for her. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Speaking of genetic freaks, Kimber is getting a massage from Hello Kitty Jackson. After hearing about this new fangled technology that Sean is talking about, I realize just how Matt was created. Someone took a sample of Michael Jackson's DNA and put it in a Petri dish. Then, after traveling to Japan of course, a hair was taken from Hello Kitty. The two DNA strands were combined and bam! Hello Kitty Jackson was born! Funny, even though Kimber is half naked, this is the least sexy she's ever looked, only because she is sullied by having HK Jackson's paws on her. When said paws start wandering a bit too much (it's about time mofo!) Kimber puts the skids on things. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Kimber has really developed some morals over the past year. To quote Team America: "Scientology! Fuck yeah!" She kicks HK Jackson out of her steam room, telling him to never come back.
In Kidney news, it seems that Christian isn't a match for Lez. In fact, not only isn't he a match, he's a dirty, dirty skank of a man. It even says so in his blood, according to the woman who has his test results. Sean, on the other hand, is totally a match for Lez and he isn't too happy about it. With Sebastian lobster baby's surgery and everything going on at home, he really can't be held up with the recuperation of this major surgery. Plus, he's got tickets to a show and a golf game scheduled and he really doesn't want to have to miss either. The test lady says the only person she is obligated to tell about the results is Sean.
Tammi Littlenut!
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