Recap: Nip/Tuck: Little People, Big Nookie - 
by Umnata
As was teased on TVgasm earlier, this week's episode of Nip/Tuck had something you don't see very much outside of the specialty section of your local porn shop: Midget sex. Okay, okay, not full-on hardcore midget-to-midget sex, but rather the seduction of our favorite unstable heroine, Julia, by Manny Marlow, who I think is more of a "little person" than a midget. Regardless, while even the suggestion of little people sex, is surely enough to get this series back on track, and I'm quite upset to inform all of you, or those of you who care, that the Christian gay undertones of earlier in the season have all but vanished. Oh how I miss the days of yore, where Christian would shower with AC Slater and I can down a six-pack to dull the pain of the obvious subtext Nip/Tuck was trying to throw at us. However, I'm hopeful that one day, and one day soon, Christian will be back to his Is He or Isn't He Glory, especially since with this show's penchant for abandoning storylines only to have them pop up later (What up Brooke Shields!). So far now we have to settle for the midget sex, and ack, a heaping dose of Lez. On second thought maybe I'll bring out my six-pack to dull the pain anyway...
Well, well, well. How the mighty have fallen. It seems that Lez, always the ugly duckling, never the swan, has joined the ranks of the superficial, as she is on the receiving end of a "Tell me what you don't like about yourself," consult. It seems that the lesbian dating scene has gotten much more competitive since the Martina Navratilova days. Now when even Marissa Cooper is dipping her tongue in the Sapphic pool, it's a lot harder for a "dyke" to snag a "lesbian." Lez even has a new lady friend, who is younger and hotter, so Lez decided it was time for a little Lypo. Christian is eating all of this up, cause you know he and Lez have an "antagonist" relationship. Sean is a little more concerned about the sudden about face in Lez's moral ground. He's also concerned that she really injured herself when falling off her high horse. ZING! Honestly, congratulations Lez. yYou might have been a moralizing, nattering speakerbox, but at least you didn't succumb to the pressures to live up to the unfair standards of beauty, espacially for women, in society. It wasn't much, and I didn't like the way you went about expressing your opinion, but at least I could respect you. Whoops! There goes that! The guys tell Lez that although she's ugly as sin, that perhaps she shouldn't undertake another surgery so closely after her kidney replacement. Lez is outraged. She starts making all these threats about quitting Mac/Troy and going to another surgeon who will do her entire surgery for free and has offered her a job. And then Lez can fulfill her deep dark desire to appear on the revival of The Swan (was that show the lowest point in human history? Just a thought...). So Lez you mean to tell me that after all Sean and Christian have done for you, with the dialysis and the caretaking, etc. etc. etc. you'd be willing to leave their employ because they are looking out for your best interest and health by saying no to your surgery? Reason number 9,302,198,301,928 why I hate Lez. The boys obviously cave.
In some seedy remote area our favorite former Miss Goodthighs turned psychopathic Pimp/organ harvester (put that on your business card, Patrick Bateman) James, runs into a couple of her old friends who are looking for their kidney payment for the month. Oh my God! Are those the Cho brothers!??!? No, it's not, it's two other Asian mobsters, but how cool would it have been if Phil's next detour was for the racers to head over to Mac/Troy? A B-Side/Umnata crossover recap!?!?! Glorious! Anyway, two Asian mobsters (my fav kind!) douse James with some gasoline and threaten to light her up. And not in a good way. She has 24 hours to get them a kidney or they'll be harvesting her organs. Permanently. Hmm, this is a nice little twist...
Christian decides to phone up James and request another sample from her hooker stable. He misses Michelle terribly, but won't admit it. He enjoyed Michelle's, err, talents, and now wants to forget all about her. Or as he so delicately puts it "give his dick amnesia."
At Sean's we see the next evolution in Claw rubber bands, as Sebastian is wearing a mitt over her claw post-surgery. It seems that crustacean healing is slightly faster than a human's, so Sean is considering moving up Sebastian's second de-clawectomy.
Sean also notes that Sebastian may be fussy because he misses the nipple. He knows he certainly does. That's an awkward segue into sex even when it's coming from a husband to a wife. Then, of course, the vision of Sean literally chomping at the bit flashes into my mind and it is wildly unpleasant. I can only hope that I caused the same mental hemorrhage in all of you. Luckily, Marlow then walks in, signing in for his Night Nurse duties. He asks about Sebastian, condescendingly calling him "the little guy." Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you like it when people call YOU the little guy? People who live in tiny glass houses should not throw pebbles, my friend.
Sean then offers Marlow the night off, perhaps to find a new name that isn't so damn pretentious, and also tells Julia to go out for the night, since he got home early and can watch Sebastian himself. Marlow mentions that he is going to check out some artsy fartsy movie. And wouldn't you know it, Julia LOOOOOOVES that movie as well! What a surpreese. Sean all but seals the deal by telling Julia and Marlow they should check it out.
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