The Kiss Heard Round Fire Island - 
by EdHIll
Tired of B-side and all his Hills silliness? No? Yeah, me either. So for those people that can't get enough of contrived, pseudo-Real World-y, romantically-angled reality shows, we have One Ocean View, a reality show starring twentysomethings that all have somewhat impressive jobs, yet still manage to act stupider than Coral and the Miz combined. Sure, it's full of contrived situations and has all the reality of Wrestlemania, but these are the dog days of August. Summer and bad reality TV are as American as apple pie and porn. So sit back and let the soothing sounds of summer take you to a place called Fire Island. A place where if this show is any indication, no gay people ever set foot. A place where up and coming New Yorkers take weekend breaks in a fantastic beach house, stop being polite, and start getting real. Or something like that.
The show starts by introducing us to our erstwhile hosts, the sassy twins with the organic pizza bar in NYC, Miki and Radha. Miki is our stilted narrator. Here's just a taste: "My name's Miki, and no, you're not seeing double. That's my twin sister Radha". That is an exact quote, which pretty much also makes Miki the most awkward narrator EVER. Hell's Kitchen guy can just pack it in.
Miki continues her uncomfortable introductions. Miki has come up with a great idea for the summer. A beach house to share on the weekends away from the city. The whole "and bring a giant film crew from ABC with us to tape our exaggerated reactions to every situation" was more implied. And what better spot to get away for the weekends than Fire Island, a neighborhood that will soon grow to hate these people with a passion just as we start to fall in love with them!
First up Miki tells us about Mary, who designs handbags. Miki thinks she's a "Cool chick, but she's had her heart broken recently." What better way to put your life back together than on ABC Mondays at 10? Then there's K.J.. Miki says he's "intense. But one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet." I've always wondered what sweetness would be like if it was highly intensified. Now I'll find out! John is funny and a "total catch." And then there's Usman. He's like, totally into himself and stuff. But Miki thinks there's something else deep down beneath the mousse and cologne. Miki describes Lisa as the shy one "but He-lloo! Look at that body!" Yeah well according to the ABC website she's a stripper, oh wait, I mean "exotic dancer" so how shy exactly can she be? All it takes is a few crumpled up dollar bills. The couple to watch however is Zack and Lauren. They were together, but now they say they are just friends. "Yeah right" Miki says. Wow, narrator burn!
Miki and Rhada are the first to arrive at the new swinging singles pad on Fire Island. Then we cut to the waterfront where KJ and Mary have just gotten off the boat and are introducing themselves. When TJ asks where she lives Mary informs her that she's "bicoastal". She like totally lives in New York and LA. This being a reality show it doesn't take long before the awkward questions about each other's love lives comes up. Both KJ and Mary are coming out of long term relationships. As they talk, they both laugh that awkward laugh that means "I want to see you naked." At least that's how I interpret the laugh. The CT state Supreme Court judge told me differently. But what does he know about love, dammit!?
When we first see John, he is calling Miki saying that he's lost and doesn't know where to go. I suppose he could've asked the production crew that is five feet away filming him, but I guess that would ruin the illusion of the pseudo reality show premise. Miki gives him directions, but first tells him to go pick up Usman at the pier. Usman is the self-involved pretty boy of the group. He's kind of Like Harold and Kumar meet Zoolander. He is coming to Fire island in a black pinstriped suit. He thinks it makes him look cool; we laugh because it makes him look ridiculous. I mean he's on a boat. On Fire Island. In the summer.
Behold the hairline of Usman!
Back with KJ and Mary, good old KJ is still spilling his guts about his lost love. They were together for years and then on a bit of a break when she went off on vacation. When she came back she was pregnant. The kicker to the whole story is KJ then follows this up with "I'm still friends with her and everything." Oh that's good. I mean lets keep this in perspective. It's not like she did something crazy and came back with a tattoo.
When KJ and Mary finally make their way to the house, the One Ocean View shenanigans start up in earnest. Miki and Radha decide to do the old "identical twin trick" and keep going in and out of the room switching it up and keeping the same conversation going tricking KJ. It's about as dumb, forced and unfunny as it sounds. When they finally do the big reveal KJ can barely muster a smile. And it's that pained smile you get when your boss tells you a really bad knock knock joke. Yeah it's horrible, but you have to respond to it with something.
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