Whatever. Don't worry -- Chad is fine. He and Whitney even had a conversation through a wall at one point, and she told him she can never see him again. He's not cool with that because their son needs his mother (and his aunt!). (Rim shot.) But Whitney disappears while he's talking to her.

3. The Three Dunceketeers.

If anyone has a better name for these three idiots, just let me know. I'm talking about Simone, Paloma, and Jessica. These three have convinced their friends and relatives that they are in Rome taking art classes, but in fact, they are on a dual mission to find Whitney and investigate a stolen-art conspiracy. The only things I know about this art plot are that Paloma first unearthed it while digging through some files belonging to Alistair Crane, and that each of the stolen paintings has a particular symbol somewhere on it. The symbol looks like this:

Also, this symbol appears in the catacombs, and on EvilMonk's special key and special knife, and it's also tattooed on Jessica's lower back. What? Yeah, I don't know either. If anyone was watching prior to this week and knows how Jessica came to have this tattoo, please fill me in. I'm guessing it has something to do with her evil pimp, Spike, who kept drugging her and possibly brainwashing her to kill her johns. So maybe Spike has something to do with this Rome storyline too?

Anyway, this week, the Three Dunceketeers managed to get themselves into trouble with a couple of sleazy Italian guys who have something to do with the art thefts. The girls almost got killed, but they managed to whack the guys over the head and escape. Now, they're safely back in their hotel room. Oh, except that a mysterious figure is lurking around menacingly in the shadows, but they don't know that yet. And it's Spike -- so I guess he is involved -- what do you know?

The Dunceketeers, back in their hotel room alone, were responsible for my favorite conversation of the week, as follows:

Simone: And all that stuff I said about horror movies, and the killer lying in wait just biding his time waiting to jump on us -- I was just being a drama queen.

Jessica: Yeah? I don't know, Simone. I may have been a serial killer back when Spike had me turning tricks. And now you and Paloma are locked in here with me, and all these knives.

[waves dinner knife] [long, awkward silence] [insert sound of crickets chirping]

Paloma: That's not funny, Jess.

Jessica: Yeah, I know it's not. I'm sorry. I guess it's just my way of coping with the thought that I may really be a murderer. Damn Spike for what he did to me. Damn him straight to hell!

Keep your knife to yourself, you crazy bitch.

And finally -- on to today's show.

We open with possibly my least-favorite storyline -- the mermaid storyline (you'll see). Miguel is looking for his and Kay's baby daughter, Maria, but she's already off to the sitter's for the day. Tabitha twists the knife a little by casually mentioning that Maria seems to be "confused," because she's been calling Fox "Daddy." And he's just her mom's boyfriend, not her real father like Miguel. Then somebody asks where Siren is, and Tabitha says she's in the kitchen with Kay. Everyone is worried.

Okay -- backstory time. You see, Siren is a mermaid. Yes, a mermaid, from the ocean. Baby Endora conjured her up and gave her legs so that she would seduce Miguel, thereby preventing Miguel and Kay from rediscovering their old spark, and solidifying Kay and Fox's relationship. But it isn't really working out that way because Kay is jealous of Siren. Meanwhile, Siren is totally into Miguel and has him bewitched, but she doesn't quite get how to act like a human. Would you believe that this leads to tons of hilarious consequences?

Cut to Siren and Kay bitching at each other, blah blah blah. I guess Kay is pissed off because not only is Siren moving way too fast with Kay's babydaddy Miguel, she's also hitting on Kay's fiancé. Fox. Meanwhile, Siren is annoyed that Kay is constantly trying to interfere with Siren hooking up with Miguel. (Note: We learned earlier this week that if a man has sex with a mermaid, he can never have sex with a human woman again. But nobody knows Siren is a mermaid, except for Tabitha and Endora.)

Finally, we leave this idiocy behind, and the action moves to Rome. Theresa and Ethan are just arriving there. You see, Theresa found out from "Crane Security" that the three Dunceketeers were in danger. She convinced Ethan that since one of the Dunceketeers is her sister (Paloma), and another one is his sister (Jessica), the two of them had better go to Rome together and check it out. Gwen okayed the trip, and she asked Ethan to just be honest with her if he decides to cheat with Theresa.

Ethan swore he wouldn't cheat, but he's got his hands full. Already, on the private plane ride over, Theresa had drugged Ethan and had him stripped to his boxers before the plane landed and he woke up. Now that they're in Rome, it turns out that -- oh my gosh! -- they only have one hotel room between the two of them. However, for once, Ethan is just as onto Theresa as the audience is. He even gets her to admit to molesting him on the plane, as well as screwing up the hotel reservation on purpose. Oddly enough, though, he seems only mildly annoyed that Theresa keeps trying to rape him.

Posted by on May 21, 2006 5:08 PM