Next we move on to Luis and Fancy. I take back what I said before -- this storyline is even more boring than the mermaid one. You see, Luis is in Rome to look for Marty, and Fancy is there because... I don't know. I think it's because she's mad at her ex-boyfriend Noah and wanted to get away. But wouldn't you know -- it turns out that he's there too. So Luis and Fancy have been having a lot of conversations in which she says that Noah is cheating slime, and Luis says that Noah is a stand-up guy and Fancy should give him another chance. And there have been lots of wacky misunderstandings where people think that Luis and Fancy are a couple, and Luis accidentally kissed Fancy because he woozily thought she was Sheridan, and Sheridan is kind of jealous about that. So the show is trying to build up some chemistry between Luis and Fancy. Whether or not it's working is another matter.

Just as Luis is telling Fancy that he's sure Noah is not really a cheater, Noah walks into the restaurant with his "other woman," Maya, and they start making out full-force right behind Fancy and Luis. It's well beyond "Get a room" territory.

Actually, this might be socially acceptable in Italy.

I confess that I'm hazy about what's going on here. I know for sure that Noah is still in love with Fancy, and he and Maya are faking being together, but I'm a little unclear as to why. It has something to do with this evil woman known as the "Dragon Lady," and she's blackmailing Noah into pretending to be in love with Maya, and if he doesn't comply, she's going to kill Fancy. Also, Noah is somehow working for the FBI, and that's why he's in Rome. Also, Noah and Maya really did date back before he knew Fancy, and they share some terrible secret that they often allude to but never spell out. And that's about all I can tell you.

This next scene starts out pretty funny, as Siren has her head buried in the fridge and is making a noise that Kay accurately describes as "like the Tasmanian Devil." We see (but Kay doesn't) that Siren is chowing down on raw fish, just eating it whole and tossing the picked-clean bones into the garbage. Yuck. The girls exchange some more bitchiness.

Siren goes in the other room and starts throwing herself all over Miguel. Tabitha has a little side chat with Endora about how Siren is hundreds of years old and her urges are "primal." This seems like a good spot for a picture of Endora, whom I firmly believe is the cutest kid on TV. I also really like Passions' innovation of having her "speak" to Tabitha in thought bubbles -- which, of course, Tabitha can understand, because they're both witches.

Endora.

Kay is quite rightly nauseated by Siren macking on Miguel on the living-room couch. Just then, Fox gets some bad news. His advertising client has just fired a model on the day of an expensive photo shoot, and now they have to find a new model immediately. Oh, whatever will they do?

Back in Rome, Ethan is riding Theresa a little bit about the "mixed-up" hotel reservation. She covers her ass by explaining to Ethan that she wanted him in her room because she's scared. You see, she checked her e-mail while they were on the plane, and she got this anonymous e-mail:

Meanwhile, in the restaurant, Luis can't believe that Noah is making out with Maya right in front of Fancy. Finally Noah detaches his face from Maya's, and they have a sotto voce conversation about how Noah hates hurting Fancy like this, and he's angry that he's lost the woman he loves. He's pretty mean to Maya about how she has ruined his life. Maya says that maybe once the FBI catches Lina (the Dragon Lady), Noah and Fancy can get back together. Just then, Luis comes over to Noah and starts talking tough with him about mistreating Fancy. Luis is disillusioned -- Noah is not the man he thought he was. Aw, poor Noah. How will he live without the personal approval of Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald?

Kay decides that Miguel should be the model for the photo shoot, even though the model was supposed to be a woman (the shoot is for a women's perfume). Tabby is onto Kay -- she wants Miguel to be the model because it will tie up several hours of his time and cut back on his make-out opportunities with Siren. Miguel very reluctantly agrees to do it, after some manipulating from Kay about how they can use the money to start a college fund for their daughter.

Miguel, Kay, Tabby, and Endora head on over to the beach for the photo shoot. Oh, what a fake-looking beach:

This beach is what we call a Passions special.

Just then, Fox shows up with his own idea for a fresh new model for the shoot. But before we can find out his idea, we meet the "client," Alfredo. Alfredo is, um, very flamboyant. He acts sort of like the cartoon Jon Lovitz in The Critic, but a lot gayer. This is odd because daytime soaps are pretty conservative. I'm not sure whether Passions is progressive for having a gay character who doesn't act exactly like all the straight characters (so that you can't even tell that he's gay), or whether Passions is really offensive for making the character such a crude stereotype. I mean, all this guy is lacking is a pink feather boa. He even says that he hopes his makeup won't run in the heat.

Alfredo.

Posted by on May 21, 2006 5:08 PM