My own feeling is that Alfredo might be really funny, if not for the fact that the guy playing him is a horrible actor. I think he might even be a little worse than the rest of the actors on the show, and that's saying a lot. The first thing he does is rag on Tabitha's outfit by asking if it's a Vivienne Westwood. When she says no, he says, "Thank God. For a minute there, I thought Vivienne had lost her touch." Oh, snap!

He does have a point.

Passions then attempts to send a positive message by expositing that Alfredo fired the original model for the shoot because she was too thin and needed to "go eat a ham sandwich." Kay agrees and suggests, "Why not use hot male models?" Alfredo responds with: "Well, I do, dear. Just not during working hours." Wow -- racy. Kay introduces Miguel, and Alfredo basically drools, but then asks Fox, "Where's the other flesh puppet?" Gross.

Fox then coughs up his idea. Y'all, you are not going to believe this -- Fox's model is Siren! What a crazy coincidence! Needless to say, Kay is pissed.

Back in Rome, Luis tries to console Fancy some more. She pouts some more. Just then, Ethan and Theresa show up at the restaurant. Everyone is happy to see each other. Theresa explains why she and Ethan are in Rome -- the thing about the Dunceketeers being in danger, and not really being in art school. Luis fills her in that the three idiots were attacked, but now they're okay. Noah comes over and inserts himself into the conversation, since, after all, Jessica is his sister too.

Luis supplies his own update about how he saw Beth and Marty, but they got away, and he has an appointment at a bank tomorrow to try to trace Beth's funding, which seems to be coming from a Crane account. He also explains that Chad thought he saw Whitney in the catacombs.

"All right, so wait a minute," says Ethan. "You mean all of these people from Harmony just happen to show up in Rome coincidentally? Does this seem odd to anybody?" Well, not really, Ethan. The whole thing is explained on the NBC Passions Vendetta website. But Luis thinks it's "a little more than odd. I get the feeling that someone's brought us all to Rome for another reason."

But who would do this? Dun-dun-DUN!!! No, seriously, the music goes Dun-dun-DUN at this part. Then Theresa shows everyone the threatening e-mail, and they all get even more freaked out when Luis recognizes the symbol. He saw it in the catacombs, and Noah also points out that it's tattooed on Jessica's back.

Back to the photo shoot. Siren is sporting some unrealistically buoyant assets inside that bikini top, but perhaps this is just the scientific effect of her being a mermaid. Tabby points out to Kay (off to the side) that if Siren takes the modeling job instead of Miguel, Siren and Miguel will still be separated for the day, just like Kay wanted. But oh no! Alfredo suddenly decides that he wants both models in the shot together. (Meanwhile, throughout this scene, Endora is adorably "ad-libbing" lines like "Careful!" and "Uh-oh!" Did I mention this is the cutest kid on TV?)

Miguel and Siren are posing for the photographer. And oh NO what is Miguel wearing:

OW MY EYES

Alfredo says, "This is hotter than a screening of Brokeback on Fire Island." Yes, he really says that. He says it while fanning himself, no less. Tabby has a side conversation with Endora in which she reminds us all that mermaids are no good and Miguel is going to get burned. We are also reminded that Tabby and Endora are at odds here: Endora is a good witch and wants Kay and Fox to stay together while Miguel finds his own happiness with Siren; on the other hand, Tabby is a bad witch and wants Kay to get back with Miguel so that he can never have sex with his ex-girlfriend Charity. Because Charity is pure good, and if she ever sleeps with her true love Miguel, good will triumph over evil and Tabitha will lose her powers. Obviously.

Back in Rome, the group finds out the rest of what's in Theresa's e-mail. The e-mail actually begins: "You will gain Ethan, but lose your love." Nobody knows what this means. Ethan thinks Theresa is behind it, but she's not.

In this same conversation, we segue into another storyline. Remember a few years ago, when Ethan and Theresa were actually together until someone told the tabloids that Ethan was illegitimate? Well, it was Gwen and Rebecca who did that, but they successfully pinned it on Theresa, and Ethan dumped her for it. Now (or still), Theresa is on a mission to find the tabloid editor (for "Daily Private Lives"), J.T. Cornell, who is the only one who knows the truth and can clear her name.

Luis hears her say this and drops the bombshell that a little while ago, he and Fancy spotted J.T. Cornell in this very restaurant. Theresa is all excited. Ethan is incredulous. Luis refocuses everyone on the fact that all the characters have been lured to Rome for assorted reasons. He singles Fancy out as needing a 24-hour bodyguard, and of course Noah volunteers for the job. Fancy refuses to have Noah as a bodyguard, so Luis says he'll do it instead.

Okay, now comes the most classically Passions-esque scene of the day. Endora casts a spell to jack up the romance between Miguel and Siren. Suddenly, the air is filled with a big, cheesy rainbow. There is also sappy music. Alfredo and the photographer are delighted. Kay begs Endora to stop making Miguel like Siren. Tabby once again accuses Kay of being jealous and wanting Miguel for herself.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any gayer.

Posted by on May 21, 2006 5:08 PM