We open on Gwen and Rebecca, in a lavish bedroom at the Crane mansion. I am so happy that we are finally getting some Rebecca scenes! She is one of the funniest characters on this show. And she is pure eeeeevil, which you can tell by the fact that she is one of the few characters on TV who makes openly racist remarks. For example, earlier this week, she called Theresa a "little taco-cita."

Gwen is panicking because she has just found out that J.T. Cornell, the tabloid editor who holds her fate in his hands, is in Rome. Yes, the very same Rome that Theresa is in! Yes, that Rome. This guy is the one person on Earth who can confirm that it was Gwen and Rebecca - not Theresa - who tipped the tabloids to the fact that Ethan is a bastard, lo these many years ago.

No, not that kind of a bastard. The kind where he isn't really a Crane, because his mom, Ivy Crane, cheated on her husband Julian with her old flame, police chief Sam Bennett. This means that Ethan's blood is not blue, and he lost his fortune as a result. It doesn't seem to have slowed him down too much, since I believe he still lives in the Crane mansion, but in the world of this show, it was a Very. Big. Deal.

Rebecca is not too concerned that she and Gwen will be found out. In fact, her proposed solution is that they should booze it up and forget about it. She keeps pushing Gwen to just have a martini. What an awesome mom.

"Have a [green] martini, dear."

This brings me to one of my favorite things about soaps: In nearly every bedroom, and nearly every living room, there is a full liquor setup out on a table in full view. No, not a regular bar - we never see any actual liquor bottles, or even wine bottles. Instead, there are fancy crystal decanters full of booze in every room, and whenever people are even a tiny bit stressed, they go over and pour themselves a stiff drink - without needing to leave the room. And almost all of the characters do this! Yes, you tend to see it more with the rich people, and more with the bad guys - but plenty of middle-class good guys do it too. It is just such a hilariously retro lifestyle message. I'm surprised they don't also have big ashtrays full of cigarette butts in every room of the house.

Now, the key to this J.T. Cornell storyline is something we just recently learned - namely, that Rebecca once had an affair with J.T. Cornell. This isn't too surprising, since Rebecca has always rapaciously attacked any male within a fifty-foot radius. Oh, and she always makes them dress up in costumes and use props, too. However, this particular affair has been conveniently retrofitted into the plot - I don't think it was part of the storyline back when Ethan's paternity was actually uncovered.

Gwen wants her mom to call up her old pal J.T. and make sure that he stays away from Theresa. Which provides us with a convenient segue to ... Rome.

In last week's comments, somebody asked whether Passions was really shooting in Rome. To that I say: HAHAHAHAHA. I am not laughing at the person who asked the question, because if you haven't been watching, it's a very good question. I am old enough to remember the glory days of the '80s, when Days shot huge, over-the-top storylines in Greece, Sweden, and England. What a great time to be a soap actor.

No, I'm laughing because if you turn on Passions, you'll see that they have reduced their set budget to approximately $7.95 per quarter. It is so bad that the audience can't be trusted to even notice that we're in Rome. Instead, before every Rome scene, we get an establishing shot, like this:

ROME - FILE FOOTAGE

You would think they could have flown maybe one or two actors over to Rome to appear in a couple of these shots, but no. Then, we cut to the interior of some totally generic-looking "hotel" or "restaurant," where the extras all speak with bad Italian accents. The exception is the scenes in the catacombs or the piazza, where it looks like they did at least build some new sets.

By the way, for the last few years, whenever I have seen a soap go "on location," they always go on location to Los Angeles. Wow - thanks for the effort, guys. I bet the actors were really excited about that trip.

Our first Rome scene for today stars Ethan, and it starts with an awesome voice-over: "The role of Ethan Winthrop is temporarily being played by Rib Hillis." This is exciting mostly because I think Rib Hillis is the best soap actor name of all time. Y'all, his name is Rib. Do you think it's short for Ribbington? Ribworthy? Ribson? McRib? (By the way, he used to play a medical intern on the canceled ABC soap Port Charles.)

"Rib Hillis" in "Rome."

Posted by on May 29, 2006 1:29 PM