For some reason, the whole time Luis and Fancy were running from the lions, Luis had his video cell phone turned on so Sheridan could watch. This really stressed her out - understandably so, I might add. Meanwhile, her secretly evil husband Chris kept trying to get her to turn off the video phone. There was also a scene in which Luis told Sheridan that the Omega Symbol has to do with Alistair, and then we saw Chris leave the room and burn the Omega Symbol so Sheridan wouldn't see that he had it.

Anyway, all the stress of watching Luis and Fancy and Marty almost get eaten by lions triggered Sheridan's premature labor. Now, we're at the hospital, and there's a scene with a character we haven't seen in months. Literally MONTHS. It's Sheridan's mother, Katherine Crane, who looks like her makeup was applied with a trowel. She asks Chris how Sheridan is doing. Enter Pilar, Luis's stratospherically sexy mother, who walks out when she sees her arch-enemy Katherine.

Somebody fire this woman's makeup artist.

We haven't addressed this storyline in forever, so here's a brief recap for the 90 percent of you who don't actually watch this show. Pilar's husband, Martin Fitzgerald, disappeared many years ago and left her to raise their five young children alone. Around the same time, Sheridan's mother, Katherine, died, leaving little Sheridan and much-older Julian to be raised by their sociopathic father. A couple of years ago, we found out that not only were Katherine and Martin both alive, they were happily shacked up together in Mexico. Martin had whisked Katherine away from Harmony because she was in serious danger of being killed by Alistair, who was a big fan of both wife-beating and marital rape. Martin and Katherine had to go completely underground, including facial plastic surgery, because the consequences would be so dire if Alistair ever found out they were alive.

However, now Martin and Katherine are both back, and have been back for quite a while, and Alistair hasn't killed either of them. Go figure. Anyway, Pilar carried a torch for Martin the whole time he was gone, and he never stopped loving her either. He never wanted to leave Pilar at all; he had to, to save Katherine's life. Eventually, though, he did fall in love with Katherine, so now he's torn. Earlier this year, Martin and Pilar were supposed to renew their vows, but at the last minute, Pilar found out that Martin had indulged in a little farewell roll in the hay with Katherine, so she called it off, and now there is much bitterness and tension. Or at least, I assume there is - as I said, we haven't seen these characters in aeons.

So Martin is already married to the chick on the left, but he can't quit cheating on her with the one on the right. REALLY?

Katherine begs Pilar not to stomp off, because it would mean so much to Sheridan if Pilar stayed at the hospital. (Pilar essentially raised Sheridan after Katherine "died.") Pilar and her gigantic boobs snittily agree to stay. Chris tells both women that Sheridan is upset because Beth got away with Marty for the nine zillionth time.

Cut to Beth, Marty, and Alistair. According to Beth, they are currently "escaping on a steam train," which is very fancy-looking. Alistair says that Interpol is monitoring all cars, buses, and planes, but apparently, they aren't monitoring steam trains. He says no one would guess that the room they are in is actually a "disguised boxcar." Huh? What's it disguised as? Won't it be a dead giveaway when it starts to chug down the railroad tracks? I don't get it.

"A train disguised as a train! Ah, no one will ever suspect that. This is my best plan ever."

Beth asks Alistair if they can bring Luis with them on their escape. She says that Luis is bound to realize eventually that he loves her and wants to be with her. Alistair says no. He smashes his cell phone so Interpol can't "ping" it, and he wants to smash Beth's, too, but she lies and says she doesn't have one anymore. Alistair leaves to go check on their "connection to a former Soviet Republic." I guess there is an Evil Travel Agency housed in another car of this invisible train. Beth talks out loud inside her head about how she's going to get Luis back.

Luis is back at the hotel with Noah. Luis is only slightly the worse for wear from almost getting mauled to death by lions, and he's trying to convince Noah to get back together with Fancy. Meanwhile, Fancy is talking to her idiot friend Esme, an occasionally recurring character who is very funny when she's drunk, but gratingly annoying when she's sober. She's a younger knockoff of the women on Absolutely Fabulous. Esme tells Fancy not to waste her time talking to Noah, because Esme can tell that Fancy is falling in love with Luis. Also, Esme has a selfish agenda - earlier in the week, she unsuccessfully hit on Noah herself.

Patsy and Edina they ain't.

Fancy walks up to Luis, tells him she's falling in love with him, and starts making out with him right in front of Noah and Esme. Of course, after the commercial, this is revealed to have been Fancy's fantasy. In real life, she agrees to have a conversation with Noah. He asks what he can do to win her back.

Posted by Amanda on July 19, 2006 1:31 PM