The premiere opened with our hero, Michael Scofield, getting a full body tattoo courtesy of the former 4 Non Blonds lead singer. I was wondering what she was up to these days - nice to see she's getting some day acting work. Michael took it like a man and retreated to his office, which was cluttered with all sorts of articles and computer equipment. I had read a few articles about the show prior to watching and I knew that it was "clever" and contained many clues throughout. So, like many TV dorks around the country, I tried to read and remember what each newspaper clipping headline read as he ripped them off his walls. There was one about insulin therapy for Type 1 diabetes, there was another about - oh hell, the next thing I knew he was tossing his hard drive into the river far below. One reason I missed what a few of the clippings said was because I was aghast at one of the credits that popped up onscreen: Brett Ratner, Director. At that point I almost pulled a Michael Scofield and ripped my TiVo out and threw it out my window. But I had a job to do, Ratner be damned.

The lightning pace of these opening set-up scenes continued as the scene shifted to another day where a smartly dressed Michael was shooting a gun into the ceiling of the bank he was robbing. The cowering teller implored him to just take the half million dollars he already had in his briefcase and make his getaway since her boss was at White Castle and therefore no one could access the safe. Hey, if Harold and Kumar taught me anything, it's that when a man wants his square burger, a man's gonna get his square burger - ain't no little armed robbery gonna stop him. The police arrived, surrounded the building, and Michael promptly gave up. What gives? Two seconds ago he was a full-on gun-toting reprobate and now he's a capitulating wuss. Hmmmm....

Fast forward a few weeks to his trial, where Judge Dennisa Rodman was presiding. With no argument, Michael pleaded "no contest" and didn't put up a fight regarding his felony charges. His pretty lawyer, Veronica, was incredulous - she simply couldn't believe her client was essentially signing his life away. By not arguing these charges, previously non-violent Michael was agreeing to be sent to a state penitentiary! Who would do such a thing?! Hmmmm... And so, he was sentenced to five years at Fox River State Pen with no parole available for a year. And yet, Michael seemed somehow placated and almost happy with all these horrible twists of fate. Is he like some sort of super masochistic gay Oz fan who wanted to live out some crazy prison rape fantasy? Or was it something else?

That answer would surely come soon enough, but first Michael had to be processed and checked into the prison. You'd think with a name like "Fox River," the prison would have some nice rolling hills, a babbling brook, and a couple foppish Brits in Lands End anoraks cantering about on horseback - but no, it appeared to be a real (slightly urban) prison with a bunch of grizzled criminals in giant granny panties. As each new prisoner was deloused and cavity searched, there was our handsome hero Michael greeting the bitter guard, Bellick. Ah, clever writers; Bellick = bellicose. Bellick is the first complete cliche of the prison drama, but at least he does a good job of it. While completing his check-in, we notice that Michael's medical report states that he is a Type 1 diabetic. A-ha! A clue! Oh, wait... I think we already gleaned that from his papers back at the office. Damn.

As Michael was acclimating to his new home, his sweet and friendly roommate Sucre was explaining the ways of prison life. Just then, while Michael was watching from his cell, a prisoner was stabbed in the kidney by another from behind. "Welcome to 'Prisneyland,' Fish," intoned Sucre. Ah, I get it... The cellmate is comic relief. Too bad for Michael; I have a feeling he's going to be more of the Whoopi Comic Relief type of funny rather than actually, y'know, "funny" funny. While Michael was bonding in prison, his lawyer Veronica was still losing sleep over her client's strange behavior. It's nice to see a criminal defense lawyer who actually cares about her clients... I mean, it's almost like she had a longtime relationship with Michael. It turns out, she does. Another clue?! And for the record, Michael is prisoner #94941 - another clue?! Yes, actually it is. It's a clue which says that if you care to remember that, you are a total geek nearing Trekkie levels.

Posted by on August 31, 2005 3:15 AM