The first hour ended with Michael and Lincoln alone in a changing area while Lincoln continued to naysay the escape plan. Before Lincoln could get too down on the idea, Michael revealed one of the totally badass parts of his scheme. His entire upper torso is one giant, elaborate tattoo. But this isn't just any old tattoo... It contains the actual blueprints (as well as other clues) of the entire prison! Even with the help of the handy dandy graphics department (it was akin to the constellations which look like absolutely nothing at all - even after the planetarium guy clicks on the laser connect-the-dots), we viewers still couldn't see the patterns, but who cares - that shit was dope.

But that shit only marked the halfway point of the 2 hour premiere. Now that the background plots have all been laid down, I'm sure the second hour won't require as much recapping. Plus, if you didn't see the show (which is airing again later this week), you're still wondering about the title of the recap. Patience, people, patience. First, Michael needed to get cracking on the next phase of his plan: deciphering his tattoos. Even though he painstakingly designed them, he still needed to double check the name "Allen Schweitzer" in an upside down mirror and the numbers, 111211147. Are you writing these clues down? I hope so, because its shakedown time, and all contraband in each cell was about to be found. And wouldn't you know it, Michael's roommate had a shank which happened to be in Michael's hand as CO Bellick came sauntering by. Even more conveniently, Warden Pope was in tow and since he really needs his Taj Mahal built, he saw through the ruse and threw Sucre into "the shoe" for a couple weeks. Good, maybe we won't have to deal with his distracting dialog anymore.

Thanks to a quick flashback of Michael reviewing some prison specs and the number 11121147, we learned that that corresponded to a particular machine screw. Before we could wonder too long about this, Michael was out in the yard walking and feeling around underneath the bleachers. Unfortunately for him, these weren't just any old set of bleachers, these were the "Creepy sex offender child rapist stereotypical gay prisoner bleachers." I HATE when that happens... you go out for a day at the ballpark to catch the local minor league ballclub and before you know it, some wild eyed pedophile is all up in your face telling you to toss his salad. What I'm saying is, I felt for my boy Michael. The leader of the deviant gang was named Teabag. Yeah, that's right... this show somehow slipped the name Teabag past network sensors. And if you don't know why I find that funny, then you didn't get the "toss my salad" reference either and oh... you need to live a little. Come hang out at the TVgasm offices and you'll be tossing salads while teabagging before you know it. It's called "initiation."

Anyway, it turned out that not only was Teabag a rapist and sexually manipulative, he was also racist. While FOX accepted "Teabag," they didn't go for the N word so we are stuck with a season of hearing the derogatory term "rugheads." I guess I can live with that. Bottom line: Michael didn't get the screw from the bleacher that he needed and showing up to try again would be crazy since he'd have to deal with Teabag's creepy gang. But he needed that damn screw for some reason so the very next time out in the yard, he was back at it, slowly unscrewing the the thing. Tsk-tsk, nobody gets a screw without a Teabag in those parts, so although he did get it out, Michael was summarily beaten and his screw was taken by one of Teabag's minions. It was then that we learned this gang referred to themselves as "The Family." Hmmm, what other show on TV right now has a contemptible band of gay and gayish jerks with a name eerily similar to "The Family?"

Out in the free world, Veronica was busy poking around in an effort to make sense of what was going on - all the while making sure to look good while doing so. We learned that Lincoln's murder case was an open and shut one, with a clear motive and a murder weapon that was found at his house along with the victim's blood. Well, at least we know that Lincoln didn't live in Los Angeles, as that certainly wouldn't be enough to convict. All that was missing was a videotape of the actual murder... no sooner did I think that did a guy gave Veronica a surveillence tape of the actual murder being committed. I don't care how many origami ducks you butter up a jury with... it would be hard to convince them that Lincoln was innocent. However, Veronica visited Lincoln in an effort to set the record straight. According to him, it was all a set up and he did enter the garage with a gun but he was told that he'd be shooting a "scummy drug dealer," and that when he got to the car, the person in it was already dead. Riiiiight. Veronica left the prison in a huff.

Posted by on August 31, 2005 3:15 AM