Sometimes Even the Best Laid Plans Go Haywire - 
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After only three hours of Prison Break, I am officially hooked. In spite of that, "my" Philadelphia Eagles were playing on Monday Night Football, so the FOX drama took a back seat for the night. So it is with slight bitterness that I write this recap (the Eagles lost) knowing that I'd have enjoyed myself better skipping the game. But I did learn one thing; as crafty as protagonist Michael Scofield is, Michael Vick could escape any damn prison he wanted to. The guards would all be shooting at him, but he'd simply dance from side to side, avoiding the bullets with ease as he outran the cars chasing him to freedom. Damn him and the Atlanta Falcons.
The show began with its now-expected INTENSE scene. Although this scene still came as quite a shock - Lincoln Burroughs, the convicted murderer of the Vice President's brother (Hey, whatever happened to that Conan O’Brien looking pilot on 24 who murdered a couple people, stole the fighter jet, and shot down Air Force One? Sorry, that's been bothering me for several months now.) who is in his last month on death row, was awakened in the middle of the night and rapidly escorted to the electric chair. The guards strapped Lincoln down and were just about to throw the switch when... When... When Lincoln woke up from his bad dream, covered in sweat. OK, this was actually pretty lame because as many liberties this show takes with the realities of prison life, we all knew that executions don't exactly work this way - so we knew it was all a dream from the get-go. That - or a new Tool video.
Lincoln's brother Michael was also dealing with his nightmare - Haywire, the clinically psychotic new cellmate he was purposely assigned by sadistic guard Bellick. While Haywire was away, presumably with the doctor, Michael had some time to work on his escape hole behind the toilet. Realizing he needs a cell mate who buys in to his plan, Michael offered up some hints to Haywire. As it turned out, Haywire was not interested in escape at all, as he was getting free medical care, food, and shelter at the prison. Haywire was far more interested in something else - Michael's elaborate full-body tattoo. But before he could get a good look, a doctor came with his daily pills and forced him to swallow them. "They think I have schizo-affective disorder with bipolar tendencies." The writers, heeding my plea, gave me another sarcastic line in a primetime drama! Michael's reply? "Think you've got it?" Awesome.
After swallowing his Lithium (or whatever), Haywire made haste to the toilet (which was suspiciously loose from Michael's recent futzing) and did his best Lara Flynn Boyle impersonation. For the record, he did a good job - "BLEEEHHHHH!" He doesn't want to take the pills because they "make [him] dull." If you're thinking that Haywire would be a poster child for prison reform - a mentally ill individual who is simply "living off the system" and not even ingesting the expensive prescriptions we taxpayers are funding, you're right. He should just live with his parents, right? Oh, wait... Turns out he murdered them. Oh well. Let's hope he didn't kill them because they wouldn't show him their scars - because this dude really wanted to see Michael's tats. He was like a drunken 21-year-old virgin in a strip club for the first time - Take... OFF... YOUR... TOP! Ah, memories.
Later, in the prison yard (again, I must mention that this prison allows for a shitload of playtime) Michael's first cellie Sucre ignored him and his pleas to come back and escape with him. He even tried singing some Norah Jones softly in his ear, but Sucre wasn't having it. Scuzzy mobster Abruzzi saw the frustration on his new friend's face as asked, "What's the problem?" Upon learning that Haywire was mucking up the plans for their escape, Abruzzi astutely noted, "Yeah, that's a problem." Showing his softer side, Abruzzi mentioned that if Michael were to renege on the escape offer, he would be summarily gutted. The funny thing about this conversation was how close these two men were to essentially kissing on the lips. I understand that their conversation was for their ears only, but man, I can't imagine prisoner dental care is so great that their breath was Winterfresh enough to accommodate such canoodling. Perhaps Abruzzi was uncontrollably drawn to the cologne Michael was wearing - the kind he so carefully tattooed on his right forearm - "Cute poison."
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