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When the guard came by the cell, Sucre was sweating bullets and Michael was still lollygagging behind the wall. "Scofield, show some skin!" Just then, as if by magic, Michael was in bed where he belonged and all was well. And this time, he was nowhere near the Taj Ma-Transporter. Boy, that Americans with Disabilities Act has gone too far - now they are hiring blind and deaf prison guards?! After that close call, Michael was still all business. He explained to Sucre that he needed to bust through a concrete wall within one day to stay on his rigid breakout schedule. The bed checks were becoming a major nuisance... How dare they do that to him! Sucre thought about it for a moment and came up with a crazy plan - in fact, it was so crazy it just may work! If the prison was forced to lockdown, there'd be no more need for random bed checks... But how to create a lockdown situation?

The next day we were treated to another gritty hip-hop montage of the black inmates working out in the yard. After failing to give us the equally stereotypical salsa band ditty while the Latinos bet on cockfights, the show instead showed us a chance meeting between Michael and the lovely Dr. Tancredi. She gave him grief for not coming clean on his familial relationship with Lincoln, but immediately succumbed to his steely blue-eyed stare. Dr. Tancredi, of course, is also the daughter of the governor of Illinois who is a death penalty proponent. She apologized for his politics but promised to schedule Lincoln's appointments adjacent to Michael's, so the two of them could at least see each other for a brief moment each week leading up to the time when her father would be ultimately responsible for Lincoln's unjust, sizzling death. Awww, how sweet.

Next, Michael's kidnapping gay racist rapist nemesis, T-Bag, was released from the infirmary. I have always loved his "prison name," as to "teabag" someone is a rather lewd act. I thought it was great that this show was so bold as to name a prominent character after such a thing - I mean, I've been expecting his henchmen to be named "Cleveland Steamer" and "Rusty Trombone," but no such luck (so far). Sadly, FOX "explained" his name by revealing his birth name: Theodore Bagwell - what a huge letdown. Though, I guess by this crafty writing, they could call someone "Dickhead," and then reveal that his name is actually, Dick Head. Go for it FOX! T-Bag the character is rather confounding - first of all, he kidnapped, raped, and killed children, according to the first episode. In prison hierarchy, he'd be a dead man - but not here. Here, he's a leader and inspires awe from the racist skinhead faction as well as the gay gang. When he returned to the cellblock, he was even cheered and given a half gay, half racist chest bump. Upon reaching his cell, he was given a "present." Why, it's the perfect gift for a racist predatory rapist in prison! A pretty young boy named Seth! Creepy.

[At this point, you should get up and go run around your cubicle or house until your pulse rate is at its maximum. Then, sit back down and read the rest of the recap as fast as you can. This will increase your enjoyment ten-fold, I promise.]

After getting one of those old-school metal eggbeaters from another prisoner, Michael "escaped" his cell again, climbed up the walls, and pulled out some wiring from a fuse box. His intent was to kill the air conditioning and fans and, because it was already so sweltering, this would cause a prisoner rebellion, which would result in a lockdown. Damn this Michael - good looking AND smart! His actions had immediate results, as T-Bag was the first to freak out from the heat. While his boy Seth fed him nuts like the way we all envision Cleopatra ate grapes, he snapped. For some reason the cells were all open so T-Bag and his crew confronted the guards - all two of them. After some back and forth, the guard threw water in T-Bag's face. "Oh no you di'in't," said the Bagger, "Oh yes I di-id," came the head bobbing reply. "You been served!" Then, the last thing anyone wants to hear in prison: "It's on!"

And "on" it was, as now the whole cellblock was advancing on the dumbass guard who thought it would be a good idea to provoke someone like T-Bag. This commotion was just what Michael needed, as he and Sucre went through their hole and into the walls. Meanwhile, we had a little riot goin' on out in the cellblock. The guards retreated to a little cage and ordered a lockdown. Unfortunately, half the prisoners weren't even in their cells but were instead trying to get at the guards. And they were doing a very good job of it too - by shaking the little cage they were hiding in, they were able to loosen some nuts and bolts - I'm not really doing this scene (or this episode) justice here as it was all very fast paced and exciting, trust me. Head guard Bellick appeared and shared a tender moment with T-Bag. First, T-Bag called him out for being a cop wannabe making minimum wage (Snap!) so Bellick countered just how prison psychologists train them to: "Shut up T-Bag you inbred child of a retard. That's right, I've read your files - your dad raped your mongoloid sister and nine months later out popped little Teddy!" (Burn!)

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Posted by on September 28, 2005 10:11 PM