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Back in Illinois at Fox River Prison, the prisoners had now fully taken over the place. Dr. Tancredi was inches away from certain rape/torture/death, as the prisoners had just about broken the door down. Michael was crawling through the air ducts on his covert way to save the doctor. At this point, the Governor arrived at the prison and immediately inquired, “Where’s my daughter?!” He was obviously a bit distraught about her being stuck in the overrun prison and was looking for answers. This being a Fox Monday night show (like 24), fake Fox news vans were also in attendance (as if there’s such a thing as “real” Fox News?) giving a report on the riot. It would have been AWESOME if Geraldo Rivera came bursting through the crowd to save Dr. Tancredi.

Unfortunately, with Geraldo fake-saving old women in New Orleans (or perhaps getting fake shot at in Afghanistan or Iraq), no one was quite up to the task of saving the doctor. In fact, the prisoners came up with the idea of “smoking her out,” which they attempted by lighting some papers on fire and throwing it through the hole in the door’s window. This was a pretty weak attempt because the little fire would have just burnt itself out in a minute or two. However, Dr. Tancredi decided to try to stomp out the flames and got a little too close to the door. Oops, a giant arm reached through the door and grabbed her! She was doomed!

Speaking of doomed, Bob the guard was now alone with T-Bag as Sucre had slipped into the walls to continue working on breaking down the wall into the drainage pipe system. Bag was going through the guard’s wallet and happened upon a little picture of the Bob’s daughter. “Awww, pretty little girl in a prom dress,” he hissed. “You know what they say about prom dresses, don’t you Bob? Hmmm? You just know she didn’t come straight home that night, right?” He went on to upset the guard further by dropping more insinuations about his little girl getting laid on her prom night. T-Bag then started tonguing the picture and being generally disgusting. Man, this guy is the horniest guy on the planet. Every week he’s getting all hot and bothered about someone or other; Michael, his first sex slave, his second sex slave, Bob the beaten guard, and now Bob’s daughter. And his name is T-Bag. You can’t tell me this show isn’t awesome.

Over at the infirmary, with the doctor now in the grips of a rather large prisoner fully intent on having his way with her, going so far as to stick his Gene Simmons-like tongue in her ear, it looked like all hope was lost. But lo! Just then Michael appeared from the ceiling above and offered his hand to Dr. Tancredi and begged her to trust him. Hmmm, lets see… giant scary dude with his arm around my throat and tongue in my ear or scrawny little diabetic dude who went to Harvard? The doctor actually thought about it for awhile and finally went with Michael, just in the nick of time. Phew.

“Nick of time…” What does that remind me of? Oh yeah, Nick and Veronica – they had landed in DC and caught a bit of the news report from Fox River. Boy, that was a throwaway scene. Another one was of LJ, Lincoln’s son, who was also watching the news at home. His mother asked him to turn off the news and come along with her and whom I assume is his stepfather. Um, helloooo? The boy’s dad and uncle are in the prison and don’t you think he should try to watch the news to see what’s going on? Apparently not (although I do firmly agree with disallowing impressionable youth from watching Fox News in particular). Then LJ and the stepdad got into a fight – but really, who gives a crap?

The real fight was going down in the prison boiler room as now the gigantor assassin was wielding a giant pipe and fully intending on introducing it to Lincoln’s medulla oblongata. But, as we all know from every bad action movie, the bigger they are, the slower they swing weapons, as Lincoln deftly avoided the deathblow, stepped aside, and tossed the thug over the railing to his death. The only thing missing was the vat of molten iron like in Terminator 2. That, and the final breath attempt at a confession/admission. Wait… give the show a second… yes! There we go! Lincoln bent down next to the guy’s mouth and implored him, “Who sent you to kill me! Why did you do this?!”

“Gurglegurglegurgle shhththththhehd, “ came the reply. Clichés ain’t just for Vin Diesel y’know. Over in cellblock A, T-Bag was now sufficiently worked up to go for Bob’s hot, sweaty body. With the little girl’s picture clenched in his mouth, he made his move – but was met with Abruzzi instead. In the first of what would turn out to be far too many times, Abruzzi got right up in T-Bags’ grill and told him to “knock it off.” Abruzzi enjoys getting very close to the other sweaty prisoners. You just know he’s called “Close Talker” behind his back.

After threatening T-Bag to stay away from Bob, Abruzzi went through the hole in the wall and found Sucre chanting incantations as he drilled the devil’s face. Abruzzi, clearly puzzled as to why Sucre was egg-beating a devil face on a wall, sought to figure it all out – by getting right up in Sucre’s face. It’s just weird, trust me. Sucre explained the “Hooker Law” (sic) and the two of them then excitedly took turns drilling the holes.

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Posted by on October 6, 2005 6:06 PM