Romantic Interlude # 2: Tweener went back "home" to his cell with the ginormous rapist Avocado, who demanded to be addressed as, "Mr. Balls Johnson." Damn, that's not a good sign. [Cue gay porn soundtrack], The "privacy sheet" was lowered and *gulp* it was time to get gulping for the young prison bitch. [End gay porn soundtrack] Poor Tweener. Later, out in the yard, with Avocado lounging languidly and looking on, Tweener solicited help from Michael. Michael needed Tweener to use his skills to swipe the key from Tancredi and Tweener needed Avocado dead. [Cue Lifetime music] Tweener than blathered on about why he was in the pokey getting poked in the first place, wah, wah, waaaaah.

[Cue X-Files music] In the junkyard, hidden from plain view, Lincoln was undergoing his rapid healing process. God, there's like, 5 Highlanders on this show - Abruzzi, Michael, Nick, Kellerman, and now Lincoln. Daddy Burroughs rattled off the whole deal to Linc. Something about how he would make Lincoln disappear to protect him from "them" because he used to work for "them." "They" are a multinational firm called, "The Company" and they control everything - from who gets appointed judges, to what wars to fight, to what laws get passed, on and on and on. Since Pops Burroughs left "The Company," with all their nefarious secrets, they were out to shut him up by executing this convoluted conspiracy against poor, pitiful Lincoln. I suppose just bumping off Daddy would have been too easy - instead they've now killed like 7 innocent people and ruined many more lives. Typical bureaucracy, I suppose.

Oh hey, look; Veronica deduced that a bunch of calls from around the world were going to the 406 area code, in remote Blackfoot, Montana. Good work, Veronica and Nick - meanwhile phones have become obsolete as we all now communicate via telekinesis. Sheesh. We were then whisked off to Blackfoot where a decidedly creepy Terrance Steadman talked with his sister the US Vice President - and he was pissed. Pissed about the whole "crapstorm" this Lincoln Burroughs thing had become. He even offered his surprise that The Company hadn't killed off the VP yet. Montana is boring, what's going on in the prison?

Abruzzi was milling about and approached T-Bag with a truce offering. Of course, T was worried about retaliation, but Abruzzi's transformation to "Good Christian" seemed genuine so he extended his weaponless hand. T-Bag did the same and the two were now fast friends. Huzzah! Pope was yelling at Bellick for failing to turn up Burroughs, but Bellick was able to buy a little more time. And for the third little storyline going on concurrently at the prison, I think my handwritten note from the show says it best: "Av [Avocado] gets about raping, move to upper bunk, Tw [Tweener] slices dick off." Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Earlier, Michael had called his wife, Nika, to ask her for some more help. She initially refused, even though he got her her green card, but apparently reconsidered. Nika approached Dr. Tancredi in the parking lot and convinced her to grab some coffee. If my Roy Huggins bombshell didn't float your boat, maybe this will. Think Nika is hot? Wanna give her a call? Go ahead - Michael's tattoo said the number was 312-909-3529. I'm not kidding... You can look at this picture when calling. (And why not email LJ while you're at it? LJ@ign.com)

In the coffee shop, Nika spilled the beans about her sham marriage and how Michael had saved her from sexual slavery or whatever. Dr. Tancredi was getting a bit teary eyed as she stared at the stripper. [Cue porno soundtrack] Oh how I wish. Nika jumped up, bumped into Tancredi, and ran out the door - apparently she had had enough.

Lincoln apparently hadn't (had enough), as his proud papa was still droning on about this crazy conspiracy. Steadman's company, Ecofield, was going to do something The Company didn't like so they faked his death for some reason and he now lives toothlessly in Blackfoot, Montana. Daddy explained how they "have a cause" that indeed is saving millions of lives and that even sparing his own son to execution was somehow worth it. Listen, I'm a smart guy and I love this show. But even I didn't get all that and I'm not afraid to admit it. The dad even knows about the tragedy of Michael, LJ, and LJ's mom (among others). And only NOW is he trying to "Make it right." Well, he better hurry up because the junkyard owner spotted them and alerted the cops!

Breathe deeply, cause it's gonna go fast from here on out.

C-Note stopped T-Bag from killing Abruzzi. End scene. Dr. Tancredi can't find her keys. End scene. Nika visits Michael, gives him the stolen keys, and leaves. End scene. The cops descended on the junkyard and chased after Dad Burroughs and Lincoln who was now running like Marty Feldman's Igor (EE-gor!) behind Gene Wilder's Dr. Frankenstein (Frahnk-ensteen). Kellerman had spotted Linc and trained his gun on his head. With no escape and Bellick getting near, Lincoln gave up finally and was wrapped up by the guard, who let the father AND Kellerman escape into the ether of the junkyard somehow.

Breathe again, because it didn't stop there.

Michael made his plastic replica key while Sucre alerted him to Tweener's Lorena Bobbitt impression. (By the way, if you want to throw up, check out "John Wayne Bobbitt" on Wikipedia. I refuse to link it here... For the children. Everything I do is for the children.) Tancredi then put two and two together and realized that Nika, Michael's wife, had stolen her keys. Abruzzi cornered Michael and begged to know where Fibonacci was again - to "atone" for his past sins and make things right. Michael, however, isn't retarded and refused to help Abruzzi out. Want more random Abruzzi info?

Posted by on April 28, 2006 6:14 PM