The Eric Dane Is My Hero! - 
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[Doing guest coverage of Project Green light is sg-dub. You can read his blog at http://weakisht.blogspot.com/.]
If you were a flabby, pasty, middle-aged guy, would you:
- a) Wear brightly colored shirts tucked into pants that were pulled up to your ribcage?
- b) Purposely look like Flava Flav's retarded white brother (right), or
- c) allow television film crews access to your bathroom while you bathe in your dingy tub?
If you answered "none of the above," then you're no John Gulager, the eternally down-in-the-dumps first time director at the center of Project Greenlight's third season. For the second week in a row, we were treated to a bath time scene of a sulking, hunched over Gulager scrubbing grime from underneath his man-boobs. Seeing Gulager wallowing in his own filth and soaping his bloated torso is, I'm sure, more disgusting and scarier than anything we'll see in "Feast," the feature length movie he's been chosen to direct. I thought about starting a "Get John Gulager a showerhead" fund, but then I remembered I'm not a very nice person.
Q) What do Dimension Films and John Gulager have in common? [answer after the jump]
A) We get to see them both take a bath on Project Greenlight! (*rimshot*)
Finally, after many weeks of preparation, it was time to get to the process of actually filming the movie - Day one of production. A good crew supports the director, inspiring him with confidence and providing that extra spark to get the job done. So it was at 5:45 AM when the first person he encountered on set greeted him with a heartfelt, "Hey John, don't f*ck it up." Sigh, I wish a PA greeted George Lucas that same way back when Jar-Jar Binks was still only a horrible idea.
We were introduced to several members of the movie's crew; the line producer, the director of photography, and the 1st AD. And then we were introduced to Gulager's innovative directorial style. After months of blocking and lining up props and camera shots, he felt the need to change things at crunch time. The very first scene to be filmed was Harley Mom (played by Gulager's wife/girlfriend) sitting on the can in the bar's bathroom. Not satisfied with the puerile qualities of that shot, John decided she needed to be smoking a crack pipe as well. Finally, Gulager would be able to fulfill the dark voyeuristic fantasy he's had since Jr. High - spying on a peeing butch tattooed woman smoking crack. (And with that last sentence, I've just upped TVgasm's Google hits ten-fold... Don't thank me, thank Gulager.) As it turned out, this bit of last second improvisation is frowned upon in the world of low-budget film making, as it adds time - and time is money. Luckily, with Jason Mewes on set, getting the necessary prop was no problem at all.
With production underway, the producers were still scrambling to score an actor to play the male lead, Hero. I know, I know, like you, my first thought was also to cast Rob Van Winkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) whose stirring performance in "Cool as Ice" is seared into my brain. Say it with me now... "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Ahhh, that felt good. Unfortunately, Feast's producer's got confused over their early 90's embarrassing white boy "rappers" and instead actively sought out Mark Wahlberg, a.k.a. Marky Mark. Even more confusing, they concurrently sought out some guy named Eric Dane. Yes, the Eric Dane. I was going to make fun of him ("Las Vegas," "Charmed," "Gideon's Crossing") but then I read that he dated Alyssa Milano and married Rebecca Gayheart. Prick.
The Eric Dane and his agent somehow got wind that he was up against Marky Mark and they were (justifiably) pissed off. So pissed off, in fact, that after Josh Duhamel (that's right, Josh Duhamel was preferable to the Eric Dane) and Marky Mark turned down the movie, Dane quickly accepted the role. Gee, maybe now he'll at least get his picture up on imdb.com. Freaking Clu Gulager and Diane Goldner even have that. If the Eric Dane hadn't come through, I'd have suggested the producers just go to lunch and hire their waiter for the part - surely he'd have been of equal talent. Back on the sound stage set, things were wrapping up on day one. This was the first time we heard the phrase, "make the day." It's a Hollywood thing, I understand, but when a new phrase is as overused as much as this one was, it's really, really annoying. Yes, the cast and crew made their day and were in a very self-congratulatory mood. Everyone, that is, except for the Line producer who was very concerned about Gulager's constant use of new ideas or set shots. When confronted with this reality, Gulager dropped his melon-sized head, sighed a melancholy sigh and lamented, "It's good, we made the day, what else do you want me to say?" Oh, gee, I don't know John, how about something that doesn't totally bum me out? Just as I finished saying that to my TV, Gulager ratcheted up the pout and moped, "I get embarrassed sometimes." Really? Like when you made a complete ass of yourself with your Worst. Beatbox. Ever?
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