(Since the writers are more or less out of the picture at this point, I have to insert a random parenthetical to point out that wacky writer Marcus appeared to be drinking blood in his one on-camera moment. Normally, I'd think he'd just put tomato juice in a water bottle - but with him being such a tool, I'd bet he was trying to be funny.) Day two on the set was greeted with trepidation as they were filming their first FX shot - spraying Honey Pie (played by the Jenny Wade) with gallons of fake blood. Foul mouthed Chris Moore showed up to check the progress and was very pleased with all that he saw; a happy crew, a breathing Gulager, and a hot blond chick covered in fake blood. Bravo offered the perfect antidote to the hot chick with a quick scene featuring a guy who called himself a "maggot wrangler." At that, dozens of teenaged trench coat mafia members across the country whipped out their cellies, dialed up their boys and said, "Dude, I've got the perfect name for our band, dude."

The maggots were for a scene where Beer Guy (played by the Judah Friedlander - who wears Harry Carey glasses by the way) was to have the larvae crawling out his orifices. Like this dude needs any help looking gross. Just in case you're attracted to men who look like him, his multiple attempts at shooting a live maggot from his nostril would steer you away. The maggot/snot rocket scene was another spur of the moment idea dreamt up by cinematic genius John Gulager. (Improvisation on the set can sometimes be worth it; Brando with the cat in godfather, Sellers walking on water in Being There... Thats inspired. Saying lets see if he can shoot a maggot out his nose onto the lens. Not so much.) This, of course, upset the cast and crew, most notably the Director of Photography (DP), Tom Callaway. Gulager wasn't sticking to the plan exactly as written and this was driving everyone nuts. You'd think with all of Gulager's experience - oh, wait a minute, that's right, IT'S HIS FIRST TIME DIRECTING A MOVIE. I'm not about to defend Gulager, as he is a complete mess, but geeze, go a little easier on the guy.

Now would have been a good time for Gulager to stand up for himself and make his presence felt. Go get 'em John! "I get my feelings hurt a lot." Um, not exactly what I had in mind... Let's try that again. John? "I'm pretty uncomfortable with any kind of human interaction." Sheesh, this guy puts the "sad" in "sad sack." And the "sack" in "ballsack." Okay, that made no sense, but it made me chuckle. Making matters worse for him, by day 5 the actors were starting to get antsy. They weren't getting the direction they were used to getting, and they were forced to sit around and wait a lot. How dare anyone make the Eric Dane waste his precious time. Poor Jason Mewes, forced to wait a whole day and going through severe withdrawal, resorted to ripping his face off. And even poor Grandma (the Eileen Ryan) complained about being treated like an extra... An "unimportant extra" at that. You'd think she'd be used to feeling unimportant by now - seeing as though she's Sean Penn's mom and despite being well past retirement age with a multi-millionaire son, she still needs to work - in a gimmicky B-movie no less.

First Assistant Director, Stephen Maloney, gathered all the actors together, turned up his Irish accent in a lame attempt to appear wise, and tried to calm the brewing actor revolt. He reminded them that they happened to be getting paid for their time, so could they please, just STFU. Sensing the tension, the director felt the need to remind us that "it's a sad day in Gulager-ville." He went on to explain how the sky is blue and that water is, indeed, wet. At this point in production, about a week in, they weren't "making their days." Over and over we heard various crew members drone on about not making their days, making their days, possibly making their day, etc. (This is the part in the recap where wacky Feast writer Marcus would "bring it home" thusly: "Where was Dirty Harry when I needed him? 'Go ahead Gulager, make my day'" What a douche bag my hypothetical wacky writer Marcus is!)

After a week of filming, Kirk Morri the editor showed up to view the rough cut with Gulager. As expected, Gulager hated every second of it suggesting, "Make it a little more exciting... Y'know?" The look on the editor's face was pure, "With this morose corpse directing? Riiiiiight." Just then, the crushing weight of all the clinical depression stored up in his brain, caused Gulager's head to fall to one side and just lay there throughout the entire editing process. "I got into a funk," he said, followed immediately up with, "I'm just gonna go home." To his depression tub, no doubt.

The final scene was a grainy long distance shot of Gulager and his girlfriend (or wife, depending on his mood) recounting the day's events. It must be said that Diane is a very supportive woman - and it's obvious she really loves John. Looking like a henchman dockworker from a 70's cop drama, Gulager mumbled, "I get embarrassed, frustrated, and I feel like a failure. I'm full of self-doubt, and I let everybody down." In case you are retarded and didn't get the point, Diane added, "John seemed morose." And the sky is blue and water is...

I don't know about you, but I'm going to go buy some flowers and and a puppy. Which made you want to binge drink more - the show or the recap?

Posted by on April 19, 2005 11:36 PM