Ice, Ice Baby! - 
by EdHIll
It’s gonna be a tough recap for me on this week's Project Runway. I’m still bummed about the tragic loss of Dirty Diana last week. Not only was she mine and sg-dub's pick from the beginning, but she got booted in the most unfair way imaginable because she was paired with that idiot Marla. So it was with a heavy heart that I watched last night’s episode. But before long I was back into the swing of things. Because there’s nothing that makes the hurt of a lost love go away faster than gay men skating. Or was that alcohol? Wait, yeah. Definitely alcohol.
This week we get yet another guest star, and unlike Nicky Hilton, this one actually has a job. And she’s good at it too. It’s ice skater Sasha Cohen. For the men reading this, “ice skating� is the stuff they put on ESPN during the football playoffs when all the games are on the network channels. That and swamp racing.
The episode starts with Tim bringing them all on another field trip. This time they are going to an ice rink. And lo and behold there is national ice skating champion and certifiable cutie pie Sasha Cohen! Once Nick saw Sasha he had the biggest mangasm I’ve ever seen. The look on his face outgayed Andrae, and that’s a high bar to overcome. This week’s challenge is to design an ice skating outfit for Sasha. While Nick is busy wiping up the puddle he just made, Tim asks Sasha what things to keep in mind when designing an ice skater's outfit. She gives us a list of do’s and don’ts that include stretch fabrics like Lycra and to make sure they have good elasticity so her “panties stay on.� I spent five minutes deciding on which joke to go with on that one until I decided I’ll just list them all and let the reader decide.
A. If you need an answer on how best to keep a girl's panties on, there’s no better place to turn then Nick, Andrae, Emmett, and Tim.
B. Then Tim hands her a copy of “The Big Book of Venereal Disease�. Mission accomplished.
C. At which point Heidi Klum was heard mumbling, "Wish I had that clothing feature before Seal impregnated me with this lizard baby.�
D. Gee. Sasha Cohen soliciting new ideas for a chastity belt. Stereotype = proven.
I spy with my little eye...
But before we can be given our challenge we have to make an offering to the reality TV show gods. And that means everyone has to skate around awkwardly so we can film it. Tim doesn’t do well on skates. I mean yeah, he looks fantastic, but that’s just Tim; he’d look great taking a dump (not that I’ve ever thought about that). But as bad a skater as Tim is he’s nothing next to Kara, who’s falling down all over the place. I guess skating isn’t big in South Africa what with all the deserts and poverty and years and years of institutionalized racism.
Because the show just wasn't gay enough
After a few minutes of this, Sasha interrupts them and says they should all finish their session by doing a choo choo. This made Santino’s eyes light up because he thought that meant they were all going up to the loft to do some coke. He was bitterly disappointed when he found out that what she really meant was she just wanted to do a cute skating train. Like every bad wedding you’ve ever been to, only 40 degrees colder. What followed next was a bunch of gay men grabbing each other from behind and skating all over the rink. I’d make a Brokeback Mountain joke right now but I’m only allowed one of those a week, since the whole “Brokeback Mountain joke� thing is rapidly jumping the shark. Pretty soon you’ll see one on Mind of Mencia and that is the official comedy graveyard where jokes go to die. And don’t cry for Santino, he was able to turn lemons into lemonade when he started to pull down Emmett’s pants during the train. I guess it was the “grabbing a guy by the hips from behind� thing that just made nature take over.
KNEEL before Zod!
From there we go to get our fabrics. For this challenge they have only a 150 dollar budget and very limited time to pick out fabrics. Then Tim drops another one of his bombs (we should call them “Tim’s turds� maybe?). When they go shopping they can’t change out of their skating outfits! OH SNAP! No you d’int! Yeah that’s right, he went there. But then I realized that these people dress in the freakiest outfits already so it becomes kind of a pointless exercise. Some funny highlights include Zulema wearing makeup on her face that makes her look like Wesley Snipes in Too Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Emmett is wearing a hot pink shirt with ruffled arms. But the real coup de grace of his shirt is its form fitting nature. You see, Emmett has man tits. And you haven’t lived until you’ve seen man tits through a tight-fitting hot pink shirt. Well actually you probably have, but I needed to make myself feel better for having seen them and that was the best I could come up with. And I haven’t even mentioned his muffin tops yet.
Does this make me look fat?
When they get to the store they all spread out dressed like Tinkerbell, except for Santino rocking the Russian czar look, and start buying their supplies. They end up spending most of their budgets on nothing but sequins and trim. In other words, Santino’s wet dream. At one point I could have sworn one of them bought elbow macaroni and glue. Daniel V puts it best when he tells us “I love trim.� So do I my friend, so do I.
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