Frankie's departure clearly sent shockwaves through the household. This was evidenced by the roommates draping themselves across beanbags and sofas, putting forth an enjoyable faux-sympathy act. Jamie seemed to register some emotion about Frankie's quandary, but that may have been her mentally ironing out her latest dilemma: "If You Wear Short Shorts In A Forest and No One Is There To See You, Are They Still Shorts?"

Meanwhile, the roommates never indicated that they would want Frankie to stay, and Robin's breasts decidedly pointed left and right, as if to indicate the nearest exits. MTV producer Kevin Lee also seemed more than happy to show Frankie the door. I don't remember much of what he said because I was trying so hard to nail down that odd accent. Turns out the only person who didn't want Frankie to leave was her own mother, who turned her nose up at having to drive her daughter directly from the airport to "The Catacombs" where boyfriend Dave would be playing. Apparently, Mama Frankie wants her kid to learn and grow from the Real World experience and not sacrifice it for some beanpole with a mohawk. Frankie insisted that no no no, she's doing it for herself and her own happiness. Then she checked Expedia if there were any direct flights from San Diego to the front row of Dave's concert.

To prove that she was making the right choice, Frankie quoted The Wizard of Oz by saying some mumbo jumbo about how if you never realize that happiness is in your own backyard, you'll never find it. Therefore, she's flying back to Kansas to find happiness literally in her backyard. Paging Harold Bloom. Can we get this girl a crash course in literary criticism? It's called a metaphor, Frankie. The whole point of the saying is that you have to find happiness in whatever situation you happen to be thrown into. Leaving San Diego to find happiness is actually the exact opposite of what she should be doing. And we'll see if casa de Frankie and Dave is still paradise after he sees the footage of her drunkenly trying to make out with any living thing in the house. Of course, Frankie will have a convenient excuse for her inevitable depression: "everything was fine until I went off to that stupid MTV house and now nothing is the same. I thought it would be happiness, but it wasn't." Always an excuse.

Luckily, Frankie has two self-professed talents: being sad and always running from things. Unfortunately, logic does not round out that skill set because it doesn't take much to realize that maybe Frankie's sadness might have to something to do with running from all her problems. But enough about the inner-workings of Frankie. She's a nutjob. End of story.

At the airport, Robin gave her that most sincere of send offs: the one armed limp hug. Frankie, who hopefully was flying Renaissance Air, was decked out in an awkward Juliette costume to greet Dave. He said his Halloween costume was Romeo, but let's hope he wasn't referring to Lil Romeo. That could be uncomfortable.

Chuckles McSmileypants - aka Jacquese - was the only cast member to display any sign of sincere grief about Frankie's departure. Apparently, they had many heart-to-hearts, but I'll take his word for it because the cameras were clearly off filming Randy's latest drunken hookup instead. Ja stuffed his face with sunflower seeds and grumbled about something. I guess the poor guy's allowed to have a bad day here and there.

Without Frankie around, the roommates got back to the important things: dressing up for Halloween and getting drunk. Brad and Randy pulled off a nifty Mario & Luigi costume (I don't think the plumbers wore trucker hats cocked to the side though), Robin donned a Marilyn Monroe frock, Cameran dressed as a gangsta girl (although she looked more like a Melissa Etheridge fan, if you catch my drift), Ja went as himself (Frankie took his Juliette costume, I think), and Jamie proved that there is a land beyond short shorts: the leafy Eve costume. With a few strategically placed pasties and a verdant thong, Jamie did what few Bunim/Murray women can do: wear a completely scandalous outfit and still look cute and innocent the whole time. God bless her.

The group came to realize that life was actually better without Frankie, and sensing that the shackles of her negativity had been broken, the ex-roomie called up to relay how happy she now is. Cameran, who looked positively bored on the phone, nodded politely as Frankie condescendingly noted that she was just too punk rock to fit in at the house. Yes, too punk rock with that edgy midwestern accent that makes me think the next thing she'll say is "Hey Dottie, couldya pass the TV Guide? I think Vanna White is gonna be on 'Yes, Dear' tonight." I mean, if she's going to be a punk poseur, she might as well go all the way and adopt a fake British accent. But chances are she's never heard of minor punk influences such as the Sex Pistols and The Clash.

Posted by B-side on June 1, 2004 9:46 PM