MJ welcomed the viewing audience to this week's episode by announcing that he and Landon were going to have a guy's night out... again. These two act like they never get to hang out with each other. It's not like they're roommates or anything. Anyway, the dynamic duo decided to skip their usual hotspots (which all seem to be named "Glam" or "Splash" or something appropriately effeminate) in favor of a new joint: "The Drinker's Tavern." Discerning eyes might remember this hole in the wall as Melanie's little Fortress of Solitude - aka the place where she can pretend like she's not on a reality show. Unfortunately for MJ and Landon, they were not served the royal treatment at this fine establishment. Apparently there's a 1 Reality Star maximum at The Drinker's Tavern because before long, our curly-haired duo was on the receiving end of a chorus of boos and heckles. Luckily, no airborne chairs, stools, or ottomans were launched at Landon's giant boulder head.

The next morning, the guys were happy to tell Mel all about the incident, to which she begged that they never ever return. Mel needs time away from everyone, you see? HELLLL NO!!!!! Not if Shavonda has anything to say about that! Cut to a spazzy, spastic, and hostile Shavonda attacking us in the interview: "You need time away from us??" NO ONE NEEDS TIME AWAY FROM SHAVONDA! Why, she's the most charming, level-headed, un-shrill person there is. And to make sure that we have our fill of her, she'll make sure to create as much drama as possible. Seriously, someone needs to wrap a spool of duct tape around this girl's mouth. And then maybe drop her in a volcano.

Of course, the presence of Shavonda always means the harbinger of some dreary subplot, and well, wouldn't you know it? Here comes a sucky Shavonda B-Story! To be fair, this subplot wasn't that bad. In fact, it was mildly interesting, although I think we have Karamo to thank for that - as usual. You see, Karamo thought he'd bond with Shavonda because they're both black, but whereas Karamo is all about black culture, Shavonda's more into Shavonda culture. She doesn't see people as black or white. She sees them as "Giving me attention" or "assholes". Well, to be fair, she doesn't like labeling people because then "No one's an individual." Thank goodness she's not a TV show with cookie-cutter reality personas like "the gay guy" or "the black bitch." It's not like she's reminiscent of Arissa or Aneesa or Nicole or Coral. Phew!

As we buckled in for a touchy-feely episode about race and identity, Bunim/Murray suddenly realized there were drunken escapades to be exploited and shifted the attention away from Shavonda (yes!) to Landon (blast!). Once again, MJ and Landon headed out for a guy's night out (man, I was worried that they wouldn't get to bond again!) and surprise, surprise Landon wound up getting wasted, taking off his shirt with another guy, and giggling. Wait, what? Why did Landon and that guy take of their shirts? Oh I don't know. This show doesn't make any sense.

Later, Landon was once again the sloppiest, slurriest guy of the bunch as he climbed into a taxi and snipped at the driver. Belligerence... rising... At the mansion, Mel and her tattooed friends emerged from the dark recesses of The Drinker's Tavern to bask in the bright lights of MTV fame. Of course, there's no better way to log in some serious face time than to cross paths with Hurricane Landon as he drunkenly makes his way back to his bed (by way of a teary confessional, natch). Upon running into the curly-haired lush outside the mansion, Mel playfully semi-wrestled with Landon - or as he perceived it, VICIOUSLY ATTACKED!! Apparently Mel's non-imposing stature was a grave threat to Landon and his domicile because he suddenly barked "Step the f--k down!"

Mel tried to cut the tension by saying "I'm playing! Do you see the smile on my face?" but what she didn't realize was that Landon was once butt raped by smiling people who said they were playing. BAD MOVE. As this little tiff became increasingly uncomfortable, Mel's friends came to her aid. Well, actually it was only one friend - a portly fellow who threatened, through a series of stutters, to kick Landon's ass. And exactly how would this guy do that? Through his Magic cards? "My cloak of invincibility will shield me up to ten damage points! You shall perish, Landon of the Elf Slayers!"

Always quick to react (and by "quick to react" I mean someone has to shove him about five times), MJ finally dragged Landon into the house and told Melanie's friends that they were all welcome in the mansion. It was the right thing to do, and with that, MJ receded to the second floor to run interference with Landon and Mel's crew. Well, actually, he just went to the second floor and disappeared.

Posted by B-side on January 6, 2005 1:23 PM