So anyway, Melanie has scabies, although at the outset of the episode she thought she was merely suffering from a bad case of acne. You know, the kind of acne where bugs crawl out of your pimples. Dr. Landon weighed in with his official prescription: "Don't wear underwear." Thanks. Curiously, that's also his remedy for girls who fear they're too drunk.

While Mel scratched at her cute little pock marks, the group learned that they must present a proposal to the Philly Soul execs regarding that pesky playground they've been working on. Are you kidding me? The top officers at this company need to approve a playground? Don't they have more pressing issues to deal with like "How can we get people to actually watch our games?" or "How do we parlay these jobs into real jobs at the NFL?" Apparently not. I guess this playground meeting will be scheduled between other urgent proposals such as a ban on pink highlighters and a motion to purchase more coffee filters.

Meanwhile, as Landon and MJ soaked their stresses away in an intimate hot tub moment, Melanie returned to the compound with news from the doctor. She has... not scurvy, not rabies, but scabies! Mmmmm... body lice. Melanie begged the guys to "be nice!" and they obliged by practically throwing a parade through downtown Philadelphia announcing Mel's affliction. "Mel has scabies!" they cackled as Karamo, not even really knowing what the ailment was, immediately recoiled and went running for a shower as if he were the modern day incarnation of Karen Silkwood.

Well faaantastic. Let the scabies awareness begin! The entire household, and by extension, America, received a crash course in scabies 101 which was about as stimulating as watching an inchworm getting tangled in a dust bunny. Actually, that's pretty dope. Never mind the analogy. Still, the entire Real World mansion became a self-imposed biohazard zone as people alternately showered, sprayed their beds, threw pillows into the entryway, and then gossiped about Melanie. There was some scuttlebutt about burning all the linens, and I couldn't help wondering if the Plague had descended upon the mansion. I half expected a prayer circle to break out, lest Jesus torment the roommates with another brutal wave of lice seeking the reality TV limelight.

Willie, meanwhile, gagged at the thought of lice violating his personal space, noting that nothing has ever crawled into any crevasse of his body (technically, penis doesn't "crawl"). Seriously though, haven't these people ever had a pet with fleas? Just spray around a little bit. Besides, I guarantee these pests weren't nearly as bad as anything Sarah's unleashed on the house from her nether regions.

In the midst of all this, a jolly doctor arrived to examine all the would-be scabies hosts, and much to their joy and happiness, everyone seemed to be largely free of critters and bugs. Everyone except pigpen Mel, whose infestation proved that she could be safely labeled house pariah. Later, Shavonda, MJ and Landon convened at a local bar to ostracize Melanie even more. Landon took offense to how Melanie had poo-pooed his reading of the scabies shampoo directions. Shavonda took offense to how every sentence Melanie started was in the middle of hers. And MJ took offense to... well, he had a far off expression which made me think he was either pondering Niels Bohr's contributions to society or daydreaming about the color purple. Probably the latter.

Still, this whole scabies thing was a perfect springboard for Shavonda to voice her objections to Mel. "How do you sit someone down and say 'your personality annoys me'?" she asked. I don't know. Let me try: Shavonda, you are a miserably annoying person. Every time you talk, you spew out verbal scabies. Shut up and go away.

That seemed to work fine.

With all these critters buzzing around, we almost forgot about that all important playground proposal. Luckily the kids found a clean sanctuary in the drab offices of the Philly Soul where they could hammer out their Power Point presentation scabies free. Unfortunately, the lack of alcohol transformed Landon into the biggest louse of all as he refused to accept Sarah and Shavonda's input. This led to the standard quarreling, with Landon pulling the passive aggressive "Fine, you do it!" resignation - hands flying over his head and all. A few minutes later, he explained "I want you to respect and listen to me." Yeah, because in like five minutes he'll be drunk and worthless. Gotta get him while it's good. Poor, sensitive Landon. His ego's been bruised. If only we could catch a glimpse of his inner psyche. I imagine it's something like this: "Girls.. bad! My ideas... good! Rage... building! Must... drink... ten beers... in two minutes. The alcohol will make it better. I'm a good boy then. Daddy won't beat me in my nightmares if I drink... Snowflakes are funny."

Posted by B-side on January 13, 2005 1:05 AM