The episode began with Mel welcoming her tattooed buddies into the Real World house. General frolicking ensued. There was a fat guy jumping in the hot tub, there was a skinny guy playing pool, and there was the muscular Landon-ish guy running around with a knife. Oh wait, that was just a personal flashback to a few weeks ago. Nevertheless, Mel's friends cavorted around like a bunch of monkeys in a new cage.

Mel explained that she likes people with tough exteriors and soft hearts, although from the looks of it, I'd revise that to "wannabe tough exteriors and blatantly poseur hearts." No disrespect, but there's a difference between having tattoos to be a badass and having tattoos because you ARE a badass. Honestly, Richard Simmons with a Carebear sticker on his bicep is tougher than these guys.

Anyway, the action cut to Sarah leading another group discussion about why Melanie is such a truly awful biatch. She's the most self-righteous person of all time, Sarah concluded, quickly scratching Dr. Phil and every other Real World cast member off her list.

Speaking of self-righteous and annoying, Shavonda took this opportunity to weigh in on the issue. "Melanie's personality is what's abrasive and bugging people," she said. Wait, who's she talking about? Because last time I checked, it was Shavonda who was abrasive and... oh never mind. She continued: "How do you sit someone down and tell them their personality bugs the f-ck out of me? You can't!" Actually, Shavonda, if you get a blog, you can complain about someone all the time. For instance, I find you less appealing than a used condom, more annoying than a close talker, and about equally as boring as a Kenny G tribute to Sting. (If this were a sitcom, I'd add "Now get out!" and Shavonda would walk out the door while a live studio audience applauds. Judith Light would then say "You sure told her, B-Side!")

Willie, not wanting to be bogged down with Dra-ma! decided to focus his frustration on other things — mainly his job. Noting that everyone had to get back to work after a nice long vacation, Willie moaned "Playtime is over." Yes, now they must return to the rigorous grind of five hour workdays and meaningless meetings about playgrounds. More enthusiastic though was Landon who sat alert and ready for any playground logistics obstacle the Philly Soul could throw his way. "I'm a big boy now!" his face seemed to say. To his credit, Landon has been studying landscape architecture; so this is really important experience for later projects such as fences, gazebos, and trellises.

Luckily, Bunim/Murray and I feel the same way about this playground: BORING. Back in the city, Melanie hit up her local spot, the Drinker's Tavern. Unfortunately, she's taken to calling it simply "Drinker's" which means she's probably assaulted all her friends with annoying emails like "Went to Drinker's last night. That place is my flavorite! :P" Upon return to the mansion, the drunk Melanie babbled about how wonderful all her friends at the tavern are. Translation: you guys suck.

Chaos soon broke out in high fashion as Mel cornered Shavonda and MJ and forced them to listen to every reason why she hearts her friends. Suddenly MJ's brain whirred to life as he asked if you don't want the roommates to be a part of the Drinker's Tavern world, why do you bring the crew back to the house? Well done MJ! You get a star! Mel paused and then responded sadly "I never said you can't go there!" Oh really? That's not what the black and white flashback has to say! BUSTED. Take her away, Bunim/Murray.

Sensing an oncoming moment of drama, Shavonda quickly piped up, stating, "You talk too damn much and you like the sound of your own goddamn voice... I know I won't get a f-cking word in edgewise. I listen to people!" Hello Pot? It's Kettle. Just wanted to let you know you've been getting pretty black lately. Oh, and can you tape Desperate Housewives for me? Thanks.

In response to these allegations, Mel simply went doe-eyed and asked a lot of Who Me? questions. "What did I do? Did I? HUH???" This sufficiently sent MJ and Shavonda scurrying away, allowing Mel to call up her dad and then boyfriend Andy to inform them that she was, in fact, hated by everyone. She then said the words every Real World producer loves: "I wanna come home." Rah! Insta-drama! Go directly to commercial break. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Coming back from the break, we returned to the ongoing saga of the playground from hell. Karamo, Mel, and Landon skipped work for various reasons. Sarah surmised that they'd probably spend the day sleeping, a bombshell theory that sent Willie gasping. He noted that he once skipped work to sleep but was shocked that others would too. Real Worlders lazy? I don't believe it for a second.

Posted by B-side on February 10, 2005 7:15 PM