Tonight's episode began with MJ, Landon and Shavonda dining in what appeared to be the back corner of some restaurant's kitchen. MJ announced that he wants to slow down; although, we're still not certain what exactly was going too fast for him in the first place. Was it life? Partying? Or maybe just the average speed of human conversation? My money is on the latter. Landon, meanwhile, nodded his head appreciatively. You see, Landon knows all about slowing down. When his drinking got out of hand earlier this season, he slowed down to five beers a night. And now he's back up to twelve. It just goes to show you: Landon's an alcoholic.

Anyway, all this babbling about slowing down somehow transitioned into MJ praising his girlfriend, Ashley. Turns out the Southern Belle was coming to town that weekend, and MJ was so darn excited that his curly moptop expanded three full sizes. This visit would be the big test of their relationship, he informed us gravely, adding "I plan to raise our children in my hair." Now here's the real question. Each time one of these home town honeys visits a Real World cast member, it's always considered a huge test. Exactly what sort of unstable relationships are these people engaging in that the simple act of paying a visit constitutes a reexamination of their entire history? And why are their significant others so fragile that they invariably wilt and die after a brush with the cameras? If visiting someone threatens to undermine the security of a romance, something tells me the security pretty much isn't there anyway. But I guess that's what you get when one side of the relationship is looking to trade up for fame and fortune via a plum starring role on MTV's flagship reality franchise.

Sadly, these Philadelphia kids didn't have my expert advice, and so MJ called his lady on the phone and proceeded to engage in dull pillow talk. Their romantic cooing was fairly forgettable, but in short, MJ apparently wanted to kiss Ashley multiple times and then, if time allowed, touch her boob. Around the corner, Landon listened in and as a single tear rolled down his cheek, he whispered to himself, "That's what I want to do to you, MJ. That's what I want to do to you..."

Interjected into the middle of this saccharine moment was the random information that MJ's best friend in the whole wide world would be paying a visit that weekend also. According to MJ, his friend David is JUST like him... except he's 7'1", black, and in the NBA, but those are just minor technicalities. In other news, MJ has just informed me that I'm Tracy McGrady's long lost twin.

The weekend finally arrived, but not all was well in Ashley world. She called to announce that there was a five hour delay in the Nashville airport. Even worse, there'd be a two hour delay at the Washington layover. Extremely ominous music played as Ashley complained "I have to be in an airport for seven hours!" MJ responded by loudly moaning/exclaiming "OH MY GOD BABY!!!" I don't get it. It's an airport delay. These things happen. It's not like she's been delayed seven hours because her leg fell off.

Well, the inevitable happened. Ashley called again to say the airline had lost her luggage. I practically expected MJ to rip his shirt open and cry out "WHY GOD??? WHY?????" Did they actually expect with all these delays and layovers that the luggage would miraculously revise its schedule as well? Anyway, MJ said he'd try to think of something, anything to save Ashley from this horrifying demise. Um, how about she changes her flight? It's not like there are no airports near Philly. I mean, she could have rerouted to Newark, Allentown, Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, JFK, LaGuardia, probably someplace near Atlantic City, maybe even Delaware. But I forgot. Ashley's ticket was in idiot class.

MJ eventually came up with the idea that she could take AmTrak from DC to Philly, but his high maintenance woman shot down the idea because it would mean having to take a cab to the train station and then taking a train to Philly and then... uh... arriving probably earlier than her delayed flight. Basically, she was just cranky. Hey, it's understandable. Those delays were significantly cutting into her time on reality TV.

Anyway, Ashley finally arrived, and not long after, so did David. Man, that dude was tall. He had to duck to get into the house. As David ambled about the mansion, I expected Karamo to pop up and dismiss this NBA player for befriending a white guy. Unfortunately, he shirked his Angry Black Male duties in favor of his Absent Black Male obligations. Karamo's only cameo appearance came randomly as David drunkenly sat by his bed and complained about MJ and Ashley. Karamo simply laughed, later suggesting, "Maybe you should just slit their throats? Just kidding. But seriously, I've got a knife right here. And get Landon while you're at it."

Posted by B-side on February 23, 2005 2:32 PM