While David hit up the booze, MJ and Ashley bickered. She wanted to go to sleep, he wanted to go out. Okay MJ. Rule #1: Don't invite your high maintenance girlfriend the same weekend your much cooler NBA friend is in town. Rule #2: Do not talk about Fight Club.

Ultimately, they all wound up going out, but Ashley made sure to infuse the night with oodles of scrumptious PA. This of course was like manna from heaven for Mel who reveled in the fresh, Southern style passive aggression. The two became insta-pals as Mel happily fanned Ashley's flames. By the end of the night, there was so much awkwardness that when David had to head back to his hotel, MJ practically piggybacked on top of him. The two walked the streets of Philadelphia, opening their hearts to each other and venting their problems. "We both have a self-awareness. We both can talk," said MJ. Well, it's not so much that they can talk as it is that they're the only ones who can understand each other through the giant mounds of chewing tobacco in their mouths.

The episode veered into interesting territory as the two discussed MJ's hopes and dreams. For those who had forgotten, MJ's dream was to play for the NFL, but he went undrafted last year, and seeing that he took this year off to be on a reality show instead of going out for NFL Europe or even Arena Football, chances are his on field career is over. "All I wanted you to do was make it," David said, with the implication being "BUT YOU FAILED!" The truth is that David had nothing but remarkably nice things to say about MJ, and I must confess that I actually enjoyed this brief moment between the two. For once we weren't dealing with petty, clichéd relationship issues but the scary precipice of life after college. But who needs thoughtful, character-building themes? This is The Real World, man! Let's whine!

Stepping up to the plate was Landon who was feeling a little bit blue. Landon's the sort of guy who when he gets sad, looks like a kid in a children's book: sagging shoulders, curled lower lip, droopy eyes. The only thing missing is him sucking his thumb, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't happen by the end of the season. Anyway, Landon was bummed because "Home MJ" was different than "MJ Here". Basically, Landon felt closed out of MJ's life. They'd only known each other for a whopping four months, and yet it seemed like he expected they'd be sharing summers in Nantucket, winters in Aspen, and weekends in each other's arms.

Unfortunately for Landon, his needy desire to be part of MJ's inner-most life played second fiddle to some spider monkeys and a leopard as MJ and Ashley visited the local zoo. I don't know why it seemed oddly appropriate that these two spent part of their together time staring at animals, but it worked. I especially enjoyed when the monkeys threw feces at MJ. Oh wait, that didn't happen? Blast. I hate when my fantasies invade reality.

Well, eventually Ashley left, and later on she called MJ to give him some fresh, down home attitude. She announced that she had things to tell him, but she didn't want to be recorded by MTV. When MJ insisted that she could tell him, Ashley balked at the idea and later bristled when he told her she was being selfish for dangling something in front of him but refusing to elaborate. I wouldn't disagree with MJ's critique. It's the exact same mentality as going up to someone and saying "I know a secret, but I can't tell you!" Don't even say it in the first place, bitch.

With things going sour in MJville, we cut to some random footage of a koi fish. Okay, I guess that's symbolic to someone. Life in a fishbowl perhaps? Then, in an inspired artistic move, the koi Fish shot cut away to a matching image of a fish in the Real World tank. Oooh! It's like... we're in a tank no matter where we go! The camera then zoomed out to reveal Landon contemplatively studying the fish. As he traced the creature's path with his finger on the glass, I couldn't help imagining his voice saying "Sometimes I feel like a fish: Swimming from place to place but not getting anywhere. It's like life, this fish tank. I wish MJ loved me the way I love him."

In a convenient parallel to his sinking relationship with Ashley, MJ headed to an exhibit about the Titanic, and in between ooh-ing and ahh-ing the ship replicas, he vented to a surprisingly quiet Shavonda about his girl situation. She really had little to offer in way of advice (she was most likely planning out her next big drama), and when MJ returned home, he and Ashley had it out, ultimately breaking up.

Posted by B-side on February 23, 2005 2:32 PM