The Skull and Boners Society - 
by B-side
They've only had ninety minutes of airtime, but the cast of Real World: Austin continues to dazzle with their potent brew of stupidity and horniness. This week, we learned the vicious truths about the fighting culture as Danny suffered in the aftermath of his highly painful skull fracture. The Boston native embarked on a highly spiritual and thoughtful journey as he examined whether or not a life of violence was worth... oh, who the hell am I kidding? This is The Real World! We don't care about introspective consequences! It's all about sex and booze! So that's why we spent nearly the whole half hour pondering whether or not Danny's injury would lead to a little fractured-skull lovin' -- because nothing's as romantic as a broken eye socket.
The show began with Danny in all his bandaged glory wondering whether or not to press charges against his assailant. He claimed he wanted to find the guy "for safety reasons." That's pretty cool. Hey, I have another reason why you should find the guy: HE BROKE YOUR SKULL. Anyway, Dr. Shepler (or as they say in Long Island, Doctah Sheplah) told Danny that he couldn't operate until his swelling went down, which meant we'd see the poor kid moping around the house with an ice pack on his eye for the rest of the episode. Oh, Dr. Shep, one last question. After the operation, how long until Danny is back to normal? Six months? A year? Nope. How about a week. Yes, that's right. After all of Dr. Shepler's hellfire and brimstone last week (you could get an infection! You could go blind! You could DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!!!!), turns out this entire injury could be fixed and forgotten in about a week. Well, that's disappointing. I mean, for us -- not Danny. So much for this being the Season of the Skull. I guess I'll just take down that poster I spent FOUR HOURS ON.
Okay, I didn't make a poster, but nevertheless, I was pretty shocked that Danny would be A-OK so quickly. Unfortunately, he was in such pain now that even his short recovery period couldn't raise his spirits (only MelindaSex™ can do that, but I'm getting ahead of myself). Anyway, plucky Rachel had just the bestest idea in the whole wide world! "I think tonight we should like go to the Hard Rock Café or something that has milkshakes, and we can all sit down and get a milkshake together!" Oh, LET'S! Then we can hold hands and sing songs and maybe, just maybe, we can get our skulls all bashed in so we can all go through it together! Yay! By the way, note to Rachel: I know you're new to town, but I guarantee there are better, easier, and less expensive places to get milkshakes than the Hard Rock.
Well, the allure of milkshakes and rock 'n' roll memorabilia wasn't as strong for Danny as it was for Rachel. Besides, he had other pressing issues. His medical state, you say? No. Melinda! Apparently Danny had been shying away from the self-anointed nymph "because he feels ugly, and when he feels ugly, he doesn't feel like he deserves her," explained the lactose-deprived Rachel. We then cut to Danny screaming, "Don't look at me! I'M HIDEOUS!!!!" He then climbed atop Nôtre Dame and rang the bells for hours and hours.
If you thought this episode was going to be about Danny though, you'd be wrong. Way wrong. You see, Danny + skull fracture = not drunk. And not drunk = get off MTV. Yes, this was actually Melinda's show, and sadly, after about two minutes with Danny, we returned to the blonde beauty as she babbled on the phone with her boyfriend, Jason. Sigh. Second episode, and we were already getting the first Hometown Honey scene. Great. Luckily, the conversation lasted about five seconds, but as any Bunim/Murray aficionado knows, this was just the calm before the storm.
Nevertheless, there were bigger and better things to focus on; specifically, the grand introduction of this season's mystery job. A package at the door instructed the kiddos to be ready the next morning at 9:40 AM. Wear your bathing suits and team colors. Oh, sorry, random Inferno II impulse. What I meant to say was that a cab would be coming for the roommates the next morning, and as everyone tried to predict their fates, Lacey fretted that she'd be stuck in a stereotypical Texas job. Oh please, let her fears come true! Make them rodeo clowns! No, better yet: oil tycoons! Now that would be fun times.
Anyway, that night the whole crew decided to head out, but poor Danny knew he'd have to lay low at home. Awww. Poor guy. Luckily he wouldn't be alone (cue sexy saxophone music). "I'm gonna stay with him and try to show him a good time," said Melinda with hooker-ish glee. That's right folks: they were gonna play Pictionary. What? She said she was going to show him a good time. Pictionary is a good time! Okay, fine. They were gonna make out. Sure enough, with the last roommate out of the house, talk immediately turned to sex. Melinda complained that she didn't know what to do with herself -- she hadn't had sex in soooo long. Yeah, the last time Melinda had sex, it was like, I don't know, another era. Like almost five days ago. That's nearly a work week! Somebody get her some penis, STAT!
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